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Monday, May 3, 2010

hearing aide agogo

just about every night i wear my hearing aide to bed. it started when i had my first kid, wanting to be 'available' if he were to cry/needme/blaghblah... he was a first kid, thats my explanation for leaving the blissfull silence of the truly quiet sleep. truly. but its been about four years now, my ear is wigging out, the aide is wearing out and it is time to give it a rest. The boys can both walk and vomit at the same time, if need be, and my bedroom is literally 10 steps from their room , if that.
the way that the universe conspired to tell me that i need to let it go? hm.
last night while i slept, the aide fell out. i woke up and realized it and did me some zenning and just let it be lost while i went back to sleep. this morning, while the four year old and husband slept i sort of felt around, didn't find it, was still zenning and just put in the other one, the superexpensive never used 'new' one, and went downstairs with the two year old whose favorite FAVORITE thing in the world to say is 'mommy, wake up.'...
my zenning lasted about 20 minutes, i came back up, looked all around, felt under all the sleeping bodies and pillows, began searching along the floor, moving fallen objects, etc.
hubby goes downstairs, starts his morning ritual of tea and cigarettes...
i come down, drink coffee, putput, go back up to look again, 'knowing' it is there...
i start to lose my shit entirely. the four year old wakes and goes down for breakfast of boiled eggs. i am losing my shit. panicking completely, in a very quiet, sane sort of scary way.
"Today is field trip day, i have to go be with all the parents and i have this shitty aide in, i'm not going to hear anything they say, i'm not going, i'm abandoning my kid again, i can't hear, i'm a bad mother, someone get him a good mother, why am i always the social freak? i don't want to have these ears anymore, i'm tired of being afraid of this, this hurts my head to listen so hard, i can't even hear him right now... " and so on...
Finally, I go get husband, tell him that I am losing my shit and he needs to help me find the g'damned f'in thing. he comes upstairs, i have already stripped the damn bed, making piles on the floor, he looks, i pace and hold my chest (singular, not plural) he lifts the mattress, moves the boxspring, finds the damn thing in a dustbunny under the bed.
I burst into tears like i haven't done in ages.
so... good start to the day . . . everyone is napping, the field trip went smashingly (for the most part) and what the hell? no more sleeping with a hearing aide in, maybe the deep sleeping will hurry the pneumonia away...
anything is possible... and universe? i am listening.

1 comments:

Jen said...

Oh, you wrote this so well that I almost cried when it was found, too.

I LOVE your posts. You always give me a lot to think about and I feel like we're living parallel lives sometimes. Very thankful for having found your blog.