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Tuesday, September 21, 2010

New post

Title purposeful. as in, post-... and as in, NEW. *edited newly, new post... all of the above..

Went to the retreat this weekend.  Wish I could tell you how charged and changed I am, how marvelously miraculous and restorative it was. . .
I'm trying not to judge myself too harshly for not being utterly swept away in bliss.  isn't that crazy?  trying hard not to judge myself? for bliss? I'm not cool enough to be swept away?! oh nelly, some issues are a-surfacing... surprise surprise...
My issues, they were all my issues, all day, all the time.... I took my sister with my on a lovely whim and spent the morning thinking about how well KarenMaezenMiller's points would apply to HER... because clearly, I am a master at distraction and diversion...

It was a marvelously beautiful day.  A seal was sunning himself between the white sailboat hulls and I watched him dunking his head in the water to cool off... that is pretty damn cool.  Even got to see him slump himself off the edge and disappear beneath the ripples.
the day was not about mothering, and i was glad of it.. and only very slightly irritated by the complaints about tantrums at the end... not from the 'karenmaezenmiller' priestess, but from the other mothers...
and again, my issues cause my fidgets, and my lack of patience is almost legendary 'round these parts...

What I DID get from the day was this:


pay attention. pay attention.
pay attention.  what you pay attention to will thrive.  pay attention to what is beautiful and blissful...
(that seal is being well fed right now... see?)

don't 'add' to things.  no judgement, no wish, no tension, no 'if only'... just see it for what it is, completely whole already... without your 'addition'...

hm. I think what made me not be swept was the realization that it was all things that i already know. it was.  you know it all too, whoever you are... we all do.
we just forget it, in our rush to do whatever we all are doing all the time.  sit down, watch your kids, keep your mouth closed when you don't need it... watch. look. pay attention.  stop trying to change everything.  let it be.
EXHALE.
and on that note, go listen to the Beatles. because they DO say it best. . .

*KarenMaezenMiller offered me a refund on the retreat because of this post.  Now I have shame.  and i am not kidding.
but I am going to exhale, let it go and seek out the Beatles of my innersonglist.  and hum it wildly while I walk to pick up C from school, in hopes that it makes everything balance in my tiny overly powerful head again.

4 comments:

Jen said...

Glad your retreat was enlightening. I'm going to work on letting it be. It's not easy but I am going to work on it.

Jen said...

I am proud of you for letting your experience be your experience. No shame, no wishing for something different. I like that. Maybe I'll try it someday.

Nancy said...

i'm weepy with joy for you. i'm sobbing with jealousy. i'm so glad you went. i'll be paying attention to your paying attention.

Still Life With Coffee said...

Hey wonderful WifeMotherExpletive... I completely am in the same train of thought as you.