Thursday, February 16, 2017

Kitchen Table Truths

Well, its not entirely true that i don't care about valentine's... but i don't care about the way J has done it with me, or that I don't have a love right now to celebrate it.  I spent the evening with a hot bath, a sushi roll and a stroll through a bookstore and was smiling at strangers with ease and sincerity.  The world is a beautiful place, and it is actually easy to be happy with it.

This past two weeks have really been a trip, on the internal horizon and the depths i was able to reach out, share some of what was going on ...  and I am so thankful for all the wild varieties of friends that I have that respond to the call in text, thought bubbles and speech. It has the lushness of pink to it, and i'll take it gladly.

My four year old has discovered glitter and is fully capable of decorating tables and kitchens in their entirety, in gold and green... and its another part of a kitchen truth that i would not ever trade for expensive underwear or a box of chocolate... and so my comfort level slouches above sea level like in the first of days...

I find that my house is more consistently messy, I blame the dog but realize that the problem of the larger house and the woman who is not a 'neatnick' in any way is that some corners are just lost entirely...
And again I feel it part of my identity, part of something that will change as I get farther along this path... as the kids grow, as I downsize or upsize as the case may be.  The housemaking, homemaking mystery that is so strong with me... can you freely include the mess in that? There is no 'set up' that exists here... no perfectly clean spot wherein the cherished wooden toys reside.. i am a place, my house is a place of all of it, from the first trilobite to the smart phone.. and all the dust bunnies of the world... o yes.

Again, i ask you... can you catch any of that drift?  Oh, I hope so.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

SIX sentences, that's it...

I'm pretty deep into myself these days. Seems a bit much actually, and i'd like a break.  Had two weeks of being sick, or tending sick and tentatively, i think a break has arrived.  Its valentine's today, and I don't really care, but am aware of my own independence in a different way on this day. Just wanted to get this out there, to say hello, to make my stab into the heart of the day... LOVE and BEST HOPES TO YOU, TODAY AND EVERY.SINGLE.DAY...

Monday, February 6, 2017

anticipation predilection

* oh god! Predilection was spelled wrong.  OH GOD. Ugh. Heebies...

i've set myself a task to use my writing desk as a writing desk. to look into what i want to do with a sense of anticipation.
to look into who i am with a sense of anticipation.



its a very mysterious collection of moments for me at the present and i confess to being entirely ignorant of where it is going.

right now i am just starting a series of ideas in type that i can work with at a later date.  it feels like a good start and i'll feel good that i've gotten two down.

I worry, even as i move along, that if i plan, or organize, something will be lost from me and my voice. I'll be swallowed by page upon page of grocery list, moon phases or journal entries...

I suppose it it the same risk that my kids are facing, when they discover something that isn't easy for them, and it throws them, and makes them doubt themselves.
What would i tell them? How it might mean more to work at something, really own it, mold it with the sweat of your brow? And that risk is scary and one needs to recognize bravery in the heart. Sometimes it won't work out, and sometimes it will.

And if i tell myself that? Am i really in a place to believe myself?

...When i have a daily battle to sweep those little niggling fears out the door... those 'will i be alone?'s and the 'ofcoursehesmarried, i'm not meant for THAT kind of guy'..'he wouldn't like me anyway'... they are momentary, but sometimes they can darken the room in their shadow fall ... the work to sweep them is a necessary vigilance...
When i have this daily struggle, how do I face the kids with solidity and surety?

How do I make the struggle and the insecurity worth the value of sweat? Is that a sentence that you can get through? When you are not even sure that you are invited to play, how do you convince yourself to give it every.last.breath.? How do you decide which direction to run?

Its hard enough to do for myself, how do i make it a blood-knowledge in the kids? That the risk joins its brothers on the grandstand...

(I found this here old post half-started, and I wonder if I have already used pieces of it? It echoes on itself... and so I risk repetition and I do hate that ...)