Friday, May 29, 2009


i've got this thing coming up and I've got to 'share' at it... and I've been thinking way too much about how to phrase things and how to make jokes and make it funny- which of course dooms it to banality immediately. There is now and has been so much going on lately.
** Wahooo. I must have had the dates wrong. I showed up and there wasn't anyone there and my buddy and I sat for three hours in the parking lot and talked. and thats the sharing I really needed, so thats the universe tit for you.
there is still so much going on. I'm dealing with a liar in my personal life on a regular basis and trying to figure out how to deal with that while still moving forward. I am not the sort to 'cut anyone out' so don't have that option currently. I think it IS the best option for many relationships at many times, but not me and not now.
My grandmother is ill and the management of the situation is poor and the loss of control is one that I recognize has little to do with anything tangible and all to do with what her mindframe must be like as she experiences her own mortality and I watch this process unfold and realize my own for the first time. I never thought I had fear of it or trepidation but I am completely upset by this experience, in my core. upset. off kilter and unsettled. if only I thought she were comfortable.
My kids are growing so fast that I am feeling the need to stop them. which is ludicrous and must be tied to mortality and my own aging and a growing realization of loneliness .

Thursday, May 28, 2009

off to the store.

i've got twenty dollars in my pocket after a night of soloparenting and I am not sure there is enough corn syrup in the house so i am going shopping for things a very very unnatural shade of red. just for me. just for me in the car in the parking lot. big big bag, or multiples. damn fiends of the corn syrup kingdom .
evidently, a change in plans keeps the twenty in my pocket and has me cooking up some mac and cheese and a little hot chocolate for the pintsized blondie in my midst. mist. chilly day and some basketball play sent us running back to the house and away from all things that luscious rubied red. damnit.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

AH, chill

there's a wonderfully cool breeze this morning as I prepare to go beg for health insurance for my kids. Our health insurance runs out at the end of june as hubby gets the boot. Yes, we hope to have a somewhat drastic reversal (again) of income by the fall but this summer is going to be one of extreme economic constraint. One of the losses is insurance, and we just can't swing even the most dire-case payments per month. So, off we go to apply to the state. Its a crushing blow to my selfsufficiency that I am BACK on the dole. Was on WIC for my first pregnancy and early newborn stuff while J. was in school and was hoping never to enter the delerious beurocracy again. Our credit cards still function so they will get their kicks all summer. I've joked about it but we are seriously buying lottery tickets once a week as our token ticket to the universal hope jones. we'll see how it goes. gotta have hope. gotta.
My hope is that the kids will fit into the state insurance bucket and that J. and I will just coast for the summer with no drastic health needs.

Its a kick in the ass and incredibly depressing to get back into the 'system' yet again. Not only are you kept waiting with your children in a mostly unkidfriendly place but when you finally get in, the man doesn't look at you or speak while he fills in the copious forms with all of the identifications you are required to provide. Aren't we all in the same boat? worry, struggle and so on? Its all so broken. pile of pipes in the yard.
I don't usually eat to salve my wounds but I already took the kids out for fast food and now am seriously on the hunt for solid carbohydratedcheeses covered comfort. I'll be off to the store right now for a block of Velveeta to make a multi-generationally comforting pile of oooldschool mac as soon as the kids awake.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

can't find the phone

i can feel that somewhere out there, the phone is ringing. can't tell for whom... or where the hell it is. damn cell phones and deaf ears... the combo is a joke.
man, when i work at funny i am really bad. so so bad.
otherwise i am a crack-up. those times when i look around and see people hugging themselves and I'm not even sure what it is that I've said? I love those times. Makes me feel on the good side of the universe, easing into the positive side of the universal tit-for-tat I engage in. Its been a stupid hellish week, and I've been trying very hard to focus on small goods and they have been there in full force. New friends, laughing on the playground, E. chasing birds slowmotion toddler style in the park, C. growing into a real boy... spending time thinking about how I feel about that 'boy' thing. I mean, as in raising a 'boy', not genitalia. How to teach him to be careful of physicality in the same way a mom with a girl might do it. sharing the responsibility and so on. Just coming into an awareness of it for the first time with schoolmates. . .
Its just peach blossoms on the surface of the floodwaters. doesn't make the flood any goddamned less devastating, but makes the swirl a better ride.
It sounds so damn sad, but I think I'm getting lines of frown on my face. I can't believe that I've had enough frowns to settle into my mouth like this- I always thought I'd be one of those applehead ladies full of mirth and sunglimmer sparkle in the eyes. And I'm thinking about it too much. I'm pushing my jowls around even now.
I bought two losing lottery tickets today to try and boost my hope capacity. We've painted, done drawings, looked at our letters, took the kids to the grocery to get easy supper options for while Dad is doing so many latenights and overnights,- feeling sorry for myself is actually quite a heavy load and I'm eating lots of pasta and sugar to fortify against my isolation. rock the fabulous thighs, man, rock them.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

used to be

the lap of luxury, it used to be. . .

I used to be a rock hard babe. not in any way is that a physical description for me, not at any time- but I was a definitely noticeable sexy thang. and then I had me some kids, and while they in specifics are not to blame, they -in generalities , are. if you follow. The days of handsome strangers are gone, mostly blissfully, and my handsome husband is frequently the playactor of my dreams. . . but the freedom of the tramp (and by that I mean, the search, the plunder..not the Tramp.... smut.) is gone. Its not the thrills of being single that I miss, I think I remember the downfalls of single life clearly. its the lust for intimacy, if you will, sometimes even the simple hand on the shoulder drives me insane. I am so often not in control of my own physical space. As well-- I frequently do not shower, sometimes subsist on sandwich crusts and dropped cheerios and cannot identify which toothbrush is definitively mine. any wonder I avoid naked?

its not that i think i am solely responsible, my time and my body have been co-opted by the many & varied needs of children. BUT, i have been the willing participant, yes?

and i want it back. . .a working sexuality. I read/hear other people who seem to have it and feel a strange glimmer of recognition ... mirror glint through a fog... I remember it fondly but with a great deal of confusion as to how to regain a more casual and FREQUENT relationship to intimacy ( to couch it in the most benign of terms- ahhh, the couch-- not just a place for nursing, holding sickkids or watching television? )

Monday, May 18, 2009


My nearly eighteen month old just announced, 'bob'. and thats his first try at something besides 'ma, ma, ma..' which seems to stand for all things. all. so, bob is a big step forward and I'm very curious about what the hell it is going to be.

this is the same child who has not slept a full night since his birth, and when he is sleeping, finds it most comfortable to be perpendicular to the nearest adult...otherwise he is a serious zen master.

my nearly four year old asked me this morning what would happen to him if I (the mom) went to God while he and his brother and father stayed here. ITs a mind-blowing world. I did tell him he'd be okay, Daddy would take care of him and a list of women would be here to give him love. It was a nice list to make on the way to preschool but left me driving very carefully and feeling a bit shaken by potential, i suppose. It is a mind-blower.

I'm glad that I can hear, more than glad. I do say thank you all the time and it is never far from my mind, either in worry or in gratitude. I'm glad that I have found some prayerful aspect to my self again, I hope for more than simple lottery tickets, I wish Aslan could keep me company during the daylight hours. I am working on it. I am working on it.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

dear god, i am bored

i am bored. again, with the lack of inner resources.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009


coming out of a long long bout with children sick with cough cold no-sleep sickness. think I may have another coming down with something. . . sent him to school anyway. don't want to hear about it. all you responsible parents out there can deal with him on a fourth day with no-sleep and then complain to me, okay? i need more coffee.

but today is warm and wonderfully sunny and i've been left alone.

did you read that right?



there is so much that has gone on this last week and so many things I've thought of writing or sharing and there's not ever been the sort of neccessary space to do it. and now that I am alone, I don't want to waste my time with the thinking. I'm running around, doing laundry,bleaching things, putting the recycling out, raking the front yard, drinking coffee in the sun. . . and i'm still pining to share because i simply do not talk to enough adults. so. at some point i want to write about mother's day gifts, assumptions of wealth, debt and poverty, window boxes and sleeping patterns. someday.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

repetition repetitions

slight changes in the quality of an act do not neccessarily change the repetitious nature of said act.

I saw my sister-in-laws study notebook for 'the bar' and truly never want to see it again, the scrittle scrawl of intertwining sets of logic and fact and what she needs to keep track of in order to pass this exam are simply too much for my palate to absorb.. and while i don't want to absorb, I feel like some elements of my personal life are nothing but repetitious arguments in front of an empty bench. no judge sits in situ to help guide us to an end. the scrittlescrawl of my personal relationships sucks. i'm not sure i'm qualified to continue the debate and I am utterly exhausted by the meaninglost in repetition.

we need a new breeze.

i think i may be developing a dread of the summer. what am i going to do with the boys in this heat? My urban dwelling becomes an actual sauna and there is no wind of change in the short term. I have been dressing the boys in footie pajamas the last two nights and looking at them fondly and looking forward to when I can do it again. . . ? rargha.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Love and Exhaustion

today I am tired like I've got a newborn for the first time. almost in pain with the tiredness... and yet some wonderful things have occurred. I got to hear my husband read some of his poetry, and watch my 17 month old be lulled by the rythmn of a drunken boat... I plucked a cherry blossom from my three year olds blond curls while he lay - avoiding a nap- on the rug my parents bought us for our first anniversary... I got a card from my dearest friend, one in which she says she loves me in so many words, and I remembered how much I love her and long to see her in person...

I'm so tired, my bones are aching. . . the colors have been too strong and I am longing for a dull darkness.
and its been a good day so far... I'll dream of it while I sleep tonight.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Doctor's wife

I've written before about not talking about my spouse and I'm not going to. but I am a Doctor's wife and that (while freaky) is part of a package for many people, and its lately been brought to my attention that I have certain prioritizing problems when it comes to patients. hmm. what does that mean? Well. I have lots of friends who are patients of my husband. friends, associates, neighbors, etc. . . I have friend's children as patients of my husband. I have friend's HUsbands who are patients of my husband. And while I don't know anything I shouldn't know or anything at all about that really, outside of what the friends themselves tell me... there it is. AND GUESS WHAT, FRIENDS? I am, starting now, placing my desires/needs/wants OVER your health and wellness. How does that sound? My kids and MY family win out when dealing with MY husband, who happens to be YOUR doctor. hm.

sounds so shitty.

but I challenge anyone to imagine themselves saying different.

when I develop a routine, which I should have done three years ago maybe, I am going to post what are 'family hours' and then anyone who gets sick at that time will just have to suck it up or go to the emergency room. AND family hours may include weekends. . . so there.

I suppose I should notify my husband of these changes. probably.

Friday, May 1, 2009


I've been thinking that since all the trees are doing it, i may as well turn over a new one myself. I've been nibbling nuts . . . too many joke opportunities and I will not allow my inner russell to pun myself to death... but seriously, I'm working on cutting down on the sugar . I think I am happier when I can find something else to do with my time than scarfing down high fructose corn syrup a pound at a time. I'm not saying that my wit will improve or that I will lose weight or save my teeth, but maybe I'll loosen up my deathgrip on mother-rage. thats my hope anyhow. we'll see how it goes.. there are nuts and juju fish in the cabinet as I type. not sure who'll win out.. don't hold your breath.
the weather has been astounding lately. astounding. and i've had more and more moments of sheer bliss in witnessing my kids while they experience a really good childhood. its pretty damn amazing .
and while that is happening - the distance between me and all the adults I know is exploding. - as in exponentially increasing. . . and while i am not sure what to do about it exactly, I am not completely in the dark as to how its happened. SO- while I've said nothing, I've done nothing too. okay?
I'll take the 'happy with my kids for the next ten minutes' for what it is. temporary but good.