Friday, July 29, 2011

Dude, I don't want to knit.

I am so happy for all the contented knitters out there. I really am, honestly. . . but I don't want to. I find the yarn itchy and my skin rejects the skein like nobody's business.  And I don't want to sit at the park and make a sweater in the summertime. and still, have no animosity for you who do.
I do not want to knit.
I have been taught, I could pick it back up, but ah, no. the click, the clack. no.

so what?
wanna fight?

(yes, it is a mood, but it is mine. MINE.)

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Gratitude list when things suck.

maybe a conundrum? dichotomy? oxymoron? I have no idea. but things sort of suck this morning and I am bucking the trend of self-dismay to write a list of what is not sucky.
These are the things I am thankful for, and its not even Thanksgiving, and I don't even have a box to put my quarters in...
1. put up the first birdfeeder yesterday, with two 3 year old who were righteously pissed that i wouldn't let them hang it inside.
2. fixed the two pair of pants that had fallen hems... O pioneer!
3. The room that may become the sewing room is heavy on the morning light. LIGHT!!
4. I'm meeting an old friend at the beach today, our five children will entertain themselves without drowning...  what a crazy amazing sentence.
5. I'm going to take recycling to the dump this morning and it fills me with glee to have the porch back to its porchly glory.
6.  I love dumps.
7. there is a lot of space here for me, a room, a morning chair, a frenchpress coffee maker... I will 'live' here.
8. Registered the 6 for school yesterday and found a space for the 3 in an afternoon preschool... they will live here too...
9. Had egg/blackbean tortillas last night with tons of sour cream. OH LOVELY.. I wish Mexico were closer. or Texas.
10. My kids are still in bed and its almost 7 AM .  how beautiful is that?

less sucky now.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

What's your Art? Your Make? Your Love?

What do you make? Are your hands busy with foods? papers? pencils? fabric? words? children? Do you type fanatically when you get here because 'the life' is spilling all over the place and your passions drive you? Do you spend a month preparing for Thanksgiving Dinner because it is the best time of the whole year?
What do you Make?

I still haven't unpacked my sewing machine.  Mugs have been higher on the list, Mugs!  But I am likely to have an entire space devoted to the sewing, and it is incredible, albeit currently a stopping ground for the things that have no place. . . but I know where the box is.  So - I feel the 'make' coming on...

I saw chakra carol yesterday. we talked about changing definitions of love, how many things we want to be capital letter LOVE, that just aren't.  and how...much easier it would be for us if we let go of our notions of what should be and just looked around at what IS.  How much of our belief patterns developed in our teens? How much have we looked into how we feel now? Re-assessing our perceptions to make them current, applicable to current realities - utterly removed from molly ringwald and judd nelson (gasp).  Not even John Cusack (stabbing myself in the eye to let that one go...) .

Does the 'make' hold hands with the love? is it prioritizing my Self above the unpacking of the mugs that lies beneath? Second and Third Chakras must hold hands! Must! The choice to leave the house for meetings that feed my self-esteem, to leave the kids? temporarily? to leave the house for physicality? Sometimes the amount of planning involved just to leave is an overwhelming obstacle. Mugs, Love, Make, Children.  well, word order, hello. no making children anymore. so. Children, Mugs, Love, Make.  better. :)

Sunday, July 24, 2011

OH MY. OH! a ramble.

Had a hard time going to sleep last night  ... for no apparent reason. HubsJ says my sexdrive is finally kicking in after 37 years and I should have woken him... finally did fall asleep, woke at 5:40, and that would be AM.  not nursing, not pregnant, no newborn in this house. 5:40.  damn.
and an OH MY. 
can i get a witness?

church day.  While I had a great deal of meditative quietude this morning, I am still missing the ritual of an early morning hallelujah to God and his wacky son Jesus.  I really am, but I am more unsure about visiting churches in a non-urban environment as I will stick out as foreigner more.  Although, I was one of five parishioners at the church service I attended in the big city.  Perspective is all.  I should look around less I think.

I'm taking the 6 to get a DS today, a handheld lovey electronica.  because he 'earned' it with monumentally good behavior over the past month.  a deal was made, this is the outcome. a win-win as far as I am concerned because it is portable and will be smashed with a hammer if he ever calls me 'stupid' again. I think it is fair.  the consequences will be clear and will match the rage that burns on the inside as I deal with too many boys in my life.  (uh, not the divine ones, though. perhaps the problem lies therein?) hm.

can i get a witness? could you be mine?

won't you be mine?
won't you be my neighbor?...

Friday, July 22, 2011


I have been at the beach for the last two weeks. almost literally. and I am still there, in my mind, and in fact... although I am home to do laundry and to make an attempt at keeping the 6 out of the sun for the day, as I think he has been struck through by its rays.
so I am home, and away.
and thinking of Character, because I have spent my time surrounded, and felt myself washed away.  So much time spent comparing, and then moderating, and then withdrawing, that what I feel from this time at the beach is some sort of Loss.
vague, unsettling... perhaps it is the space, the time, the history of the place... what is theirs (my hubsJs history, family, place... is not mine and I am foreigner forever, tho my children will belong... )
I have needed to escape the vacation, and have done so. so many adults to watch the children and that flexibility is nothing short of AMAZING... so what is it? is it as simple as low self-esteem? should I believe in the negatives of the others?- subtle digs and the like?
i'm generally not thick-skinned, but am overly familiar with that way of things and have learned to let it roll but do not like to wear the leathers.
it is hot. Haaaaaat, as we whiteys in the north like to say.
maybe my brain has slowly melted and the loss is there and tangible. . . .

what is the level to which Character settles? to me, clearly a changeable notion, although perhaps consistent in strength? hm.
maybe not...after all we do leap and learn and gain character as we go along...supposedly giving the olders the edge in this gain. . . character... interest? does a character have to contain interests? can a deadly boring man be a character? full of character?

what say you?
i've got to go back to the beach or I will lose the function of my bones and lay about forever and ever.
Thank God for shorelines.
Thank God.

Friday, July 8, 2011

I know you have other things to do...

go read this, even if you are too busy and this is your daily timesuck. you have a few more minutes... you know you do.

I know it, you know it. but go read something that is good.

* I don't know how I feel, having written daily for the past few days, I still don't feel like I have my vim in order, I feel forced and think it has to do with life and some pieces of it, and the only fleeting peace that I've been having lately...
but what to do? I'm going to go to the beach a lot, and maybe even get to swim. I don't know what else to do. really, I just give up for a while. I'm off the hook.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Jonesing for some Ice Cream.

I'm not really sure if thats the appropriate spelling for jonesing... should it be jonsing? joansing? too much flexibility with this damn english. if i had another to switch to , i would. right now.

but really. I'm not a fanatical ice cream eater, its a rare pleasure, but today is flippin hot and i've been to the dump and my kid is asleep and i have a lot to do that doesn't involve this here timesuck and there are people coming to 'see the house' tonight as well as an overnight convalescer and I AM IN NEED OF SOME COLD BEVERAGE.  but by beverage, i mean ICE CREAM.

my mind is on pause and my fingers are still going.  this town does not have town trash pickup. and i have to bring my trash to the dump in an old chevy impala which usually has kids in it. Today I just brought the recycling because it is so flipping hot that I am SCARED to look into the trashcan without a hazmat suit on and I am SCARED to put it in my car trunk... I may never be able to use it again. literally.

oh dear god, i dread the trash. I do have gloves and I will wear clothing free to be burned. we will see.

keep me in your prayers these days (for reasons other than the trash, I swear) because I need some bolstering. crazy life.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Things Found

We're good, we've found the camera cord, a cow timer, a greenlantern birthday present and the atari controller so my kid can get bored with pacman just like me...
ah. There's a lot to say, yes. So much of it is wrapped up in the summer, the humidity, the pang of expectations matched to a different sort of reality, maeah.
Let us make a list of things to do this summer, shall we?  things that are possible, and not even very difficult... and I'll extend it through the forever if need be... things I'd like to do that don't (neccessarily) involve homemaking or childrearing... right? here we go..
1. I'd like to make another quilt, or set it up to be made... without even having a baby to give it to...
2. I'd like to have a coffee at the beach, in the morning.
3. I'd like to find an early morning church service to beat the heat in many different ways.
4. I'd like to make a favorite cookie... a combination such that the family can't stand any other..:) uhoh, sort of homemaker-y and childrear-y all at once. damn the man. damn.
5.  I'd like to get the car all sandy with the beach, and leave it that way til the snow mixes in...

You? What about you?

and, what I'm not doing while doing this:

*oh, dudes. Its also my anniversary today, nine years J.d.... Nine.
A good number, as we enter into a new year, of the 1 variety...anything can happen, it won't even be difficult even....

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Looking for the MOJO...

Aside from the very obvious chaos of moving, I haven't got a reason for my writing having changed flavor, and I'm on a search: either for a reason, or for the flavor of familiar. I'm going to see Chakra Chakra today for the first time in a while and thats always good fodder for my brain and sets me on a good track... and I think I've committed to posting every day for a week or so... to see if the publicity of it will drag me back up to my own standard of interest.  I have been journaling, and think maybe the riches are going there, but I don't want to give that up, its the first time in years that I have journaled consistently and I like the total and utter privacy that comes with pen to paper.  It is more than a like, I confess.  I deeply love it.
Maybe the riches are just gone, dulled by the humidity, slightly curled and thus ill-fitting. 
I am very slightly intrigued enough to try and write them out.

*The boy-who-was-5 woke up an hour earlier than usual this morning because today is the first day of summercamp, and he will spend all four days left of this week riding a bus, sweating with children his age and exploring hot outdoorsy play... there may not be enough coffee in this world to get me through the wild nervousness I have felt in the past 12 hours, a bus! he's going on a bus!  its not even literal nervousness, I know busses will serve him well in his life... its just a new thing he is growing into and the 'bigboyness' of the summer is getting to me. a pool! a pool!  he is going to learn to swim (more) without me?! holy shoot. I feel like a newbie kindergarten mother all over again...

*I will show picturesof our new digs and the toy chaos within,  but I can't find the cord that attaches everything to everything else so there is that.


Monday, July 4, 2011

Nervy Nervy

I was at many a cookout this weekend, of different sorts, with different branches of family but seemingly the same numbers of 'those to be avoided'.. I have to imagine that most families have this, the few and spectacularly odd cousins, uncles, whathaveyous, that somehow end up in the corners of the rooms, or the centers ... and around whom the crowd flows, a highspeed montage flickerflicker of the 80s... this weekend we were all on fullalert for the freaky.  and really? got none. it was completely tame, after all the innerprep/dread.  go figure.
I wonder if there are situations in the world in which I am the central, still target- and the world morphs and swingsways around me? If my inner world were made plain? perhaps everyone else would be making their dodge.  I know there are lots who feel this about their lives all the time, but I am not one of them.  A sideliner here, always, and fine with it, as age has allowed.
I ate hotdogs begrudgingly  and I slathered my burgers with guacamole and I am the better for it.
I was accompanied by a strange nervousness all weekend, like if I didn't have my eyes on all my peoples that someone would be cornered or end up pinned down by one of the oddities... and I tried to calm myself but spent an inordinate amount of time seeking my peeps.  I do believe I was doing an avoidance dance for myself in that hunt and peck.
I'm home now, sitting in all 'anew's... in a napping house, where everyone is sleeping, and we are home. ah. familiarly odd. slow and simple.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

ALIVE!! she's ALIVE!!!!

Things I have learned in the past month:
1. Young Frankenstein, with Gene Wilder, sort of goes over the head of the young ones.  I guess Teri Garr is only really funny to grownups, and Gene Wilder, as Dr. Fronkenstein,  is just creepy and confusing to a five year old.
2. My youngest has started to tell me that people are going to die. and that is just creepy and confusing and scary to this, now 37 year old.  He also tells me that some of them will come back again, but not all.
3. 37 is not nearly so nice to say as 36, or probably, even 40.  I am waiting for next year to tell anyone how old I am again.
4. This house is really big. When all of our things were put in it there were still three and a half completely empty rooms.
5. Tireswings are endlessly entertaining. really, its true. get one.
6. I can really be a recycling nazi, and people don't find that very attractive.
7. Sometimes I focus on an old way of seeing things, and I have a hard time adjusting to some new realities... letting go of some of my worry and anxiety about bill paying and money spending in our time of 'flush' is one of those things. There is a time for everything, and worry and anxiety should be saved up for anxious times.
8. There are a lot of spiders in the country. many.
9.  I need to not be in a hurry more.  I'm going to work on it.
10.  I missed having a computer, and a virtual network, I did.

see you again, soon. soon, jaguar, soon.