Friday, September 28, 2012

Grey, and its Raining in Providence.

my toes are cold, my nose is chilled.  my fight has fled.  my knuckles are healing over, i can't even explain the choices to 'not-fight' and 'not-judge' that make up my internal dialouge at three in the morning when six drops of urine have awakened me.  i can't do the five-minute friday blitz today because i just can't be bothered to figure out linkages and the photo inclusion just about topped me out on my energy for the day... and i don't want to read about a lot of faith and handholding that i can't feel today. . . and i'm in a morning noon and night fight with the comparisons between myself and others and a disappointement in myself that i am not overcoming some of my adversities just by my own sheer will.  i think that should be possible but it has not been this week. tired of myself and my swollen fingers.  what is my shape? what shape am i changing into? what will my shape be when this babe rolls into the world? will it be a good and safe shape? am i shaped at all, or formless entirely?

my mother left yesterday to go to germany france and italy with her friend for 15 days. it was a surprise opportunity and i am happy for her wildness in her new retirement. .. i am also nervous that i will be without my mother during the birth of my child. but i am trying to focus on what i am doing right this second, and today, and so far, it isn't a laboring sort of day. i still have several weeks before the due date, but readiness and tunnelvision have arrived. mothers are tricky. 

what i have to talk about is weather. drear. wuthering heights.  wuthering.

i had 'coffee' with a friend josh of fixing the bathroom fame yesterday. it was very wonderful to have conversation be so easy, like rolling marbles down the ramp. 

i had an essay published from this here blog, by a high school friend that read the blog. go figure. but i don't know if there is any way to see it or look at it other than buying a magazine and i also am waiting to see it in print, so that i know it is real.  it has a surreal and unlikely feeling to it all.  the essay was a mashup of bits on kid fevers, so maybe this is why i feel it so lightly, it may belong to experiences past, amorphous fever nights. . .

and i am off, to watch my cats watching the chickens through the glass.  to watch my kid watch the tv through the airs of the overlarge room.  to watch and to wait. 
maybe the providential rain will move this way, and other things will slide into the space. a new shape.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012


this is a meme... wherein i talk about myself ad nauseum. . . because i figure it'll be illuminating, perhaps even to myself, my most voracious reader. and i'm getting annoyed at my lack of posting. how can i feel more connected? i have not a clue. but here is a self-centered list of blahblah.
1. when my husband brings me flowers, i ask him immediately, 'are you having an affair?'.  he laughs, i don't... but i take the flowers.
2.  my neighbor nancy had her first kid when she was 16... she was already married but at the age of 66, she has several great-grandchildren that she can play with.... she is outside on a rider mower mowing my yard right now.  really yo.
3.  i smell like pee all the time and i can't tell if that is true or not because my sense of smell has gone ballistic on me this month. 
4.  i can be really sweet and like fun mom all day until about four o'clock and then i lose my ever-loving mind. ... at which time oldest child and hubsJ walk into an untenable situation.
5. i made a crockpot meal this morning, if it is not  eaten with perfect abandon, i will probably cry in the bathroom.
6.  today i went to the store to buy short socks (long socks are WAY too tight on my calves these days- purple skin, i tell you... ) and big ass underwear (basically, same thing.) because these are the products i currently need the most.  i also bought toothbrushes for all.
7.  i've been told i take too much responsibility for the struggles of others.  i am working on it. 
8. i wish my fears didn't metamorph into angers all the time.
9.  i still haven't finished the quilt for my brother's baby Jordan yet, and the kid is like three and a half months old. shit.
10.  HubsJ is getting (hopefully) all the babystuff from storage today, so i will have laundry to do, and a crib to set up and maybe even a carseat.
11. did i tell you i plan to have this one at home?  we all know how plans go, but that is the plan, stan.

audi, 5000. 

Friday, September 14, 2012

Focus Pocus

Five Minute Friday: Focus

I certainly don't have much, but what there is ...?  this leaping lumpy babybelly and my weird tunnel-visions of where i am and what i am 'entrapped' into... these things my husband can/not do, the growth and hysteria of the two boys learning and leaning out and away from me as we sail in rough waters.  scattered focus, wondering if that is even the definition of focus or if 'focus' is meant to be more, em, focused, more slow, more still... mine is a ranging focus, a momentary capture.... and release...
I am ready for this baby, mostly to discover what it is this new family life will contain... and i have just barely enough life experience to know i should not rush away from the moment, the focus that is 'now'...
of course, what one knows and what one does are almost always split from one another. unfortunate humanity.  another issue of focus.... i have heard it said that what one focuses on will thrive.  that grass you tend in your mind, on the 'other side'... is the one that gets the lushness and the cool morning dew... the one you leave to the sun and the chickens?  gets just what you think it will...
and in any case, maybe thats the way it was meant to be... until we learn to turn our focus in to the closer greens... the longer minutes, the 'now' that leans away, and in. 

* i really didn't edit it, so ... there.

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Too hot in my sweater, but I refuse to take it off.

Its the end of days... again, i know... i'm repetitive. . . but I've hit that not-sleeping-so-well stage that will last right through til the kid is roughly three. and so i'm cranky.  the heat was on in my kitchen when i came down this morning, and that would mean that it was in the 40s here last night.  I'm going to presume my heater/thermostat is not broken .
so i'm wearing my sweater, even if it gets to be 80 degrees today, because the 40s were here last night, and i need to be comforted.
i'm pregnant, i'll sweat a holy hell either way, so whats the point of taking it off? aye?

Little mr. went to his first long-day of preschool yesterday and it was pretty much okay, no crying on anyone's part and a quietly subdued approach to the arrival.  the first thing he said to me at pickup was a whispered... ' i didn't have any fun'...
turns out, the lion aslan stuffed lovey (the one that he forbade me to pack in the 'rest' bag?yes, that one.) was the thing missing from his day. 
and there's a boy with the same name in his class, so that is pretty exciting. i think it's allright, i think i loved having so much time to myself, even had lunch with my mother and godmother in a mostly leisurely fashion.  also, banked, groceried, etc. 

somebody make me some macaroni and cheese, would you? please?

Thursday, September 6, 2012

waiting. dithering.

Me and He
lots of neck, and all...
i'm waiting for the principal to call me.  its not a cat scan result, or a possible suspension.   just need some advice on where to place my four and a half year old so he can have the best experience possible this year.  (while i handle an impending newborn, too... i am selfish, and that worries me. )

he's currently enrolled with the same teacher he had last year, who is fine, but lame. and its just 8:40-11:15... shortie. the other option has a new teacher, new-er... and it runs 8:40-2:30.... longie. he'd have lunch there, and a 'rest', ha, i say, rest. pbbbttt...   it might be too long for him, i don't know. . . but when i think about having three days a week home alone with just the baby, it seems manageable and the winds blow favorably....  but when i wonder if he's really ready for the longer day, i don't know if i'm missing my last opportunities with him and the freedom of not-being-in-school. and then i vaguely remember how tired i am going to be in the next few months. . .
he's also going to kindergarten next year and maybe learning how to handle a longer day now will make that adjustment easier.

because i am waiting for a phone call, because i don't know this principal personally, i am just about ready to chuck it all out the window and run away... its partly a hearing issue, so doubtful that i'll present confidence when doubting every single thing i've heard... and i'll probably make mistakes and have to explain my own disability. . . i hate that sometimes really. and i'm not sure what i want, so what kind of confidence does that show?! aye?

so? dealing with questions ?  running away?   dealing with the unknown of 'whats best for my kid?'?
blahblah blah and more blingityblahblah.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

School breaks the spell...

today we sent the big one off on the bus.  this afternoon we will hear all about the four details that he'll remember after all the newness and exhaustion of 'behaving' for six hours.  and then I'll spend two hours looking through all the paperwork he arrives home with... and the monies will need to be dispersed- for lunches, afterschools, donations, supply drives, etc and etc.  (redundancy of etc, and, i know... )
the younger is watching tv and while i wait to find a non-fighting moment to get our asses out to the grocery store .(one child is like a miracle of ease i tell you, but it is not worth it to me to struggle to get out of the house... i wait for franklin to end his peace-making ways.)

i've been sorry to have summer ending, for the first time since being a mother of a school-aged kid. its a nice switch, and surprising.  i am going to miss the routine-free days of summer, the wide range in wakeups, the flex of bedtime...
i am going to like going to the grocery store and acting all prepared-like when suppertime rolls along.
i am going to take one nap a week when i find myself without any children at all three mornings a week. 

i am going to have to figure out how to fit in some nesting before this next-born arrives.  maybe on one of the days i am not napping.  its a waker-upper, this school time, realizing that the babe is in fact, on its way.  I've survived the summer and fall has arrived (in fits and spurts and a two-day rain, but nonetheless... here).

i've asked a woman to come in and vaccuum and clean the bathrooms twice a month.  good lord, i've tried this before, and hated it ... but this time it is more neccessary as the house is more MORE than the last one was and my belly makes it harder to take action on the areas at the back of the toilet base. hello boys, can we talk about aim? really?
it makes such a nice difference to have the basics done, so i can focus on sharpening the pencils for school and throwing out the fifty without erasers, which make all homework much much more difficult.  and yes, i just threw them out, didn't recycle or compost. (noone wants them and they do not compost.)   i am growing.  meh.  sometimes its even a daily thing.  growing.  both physically and all the other ways and means.

hard to stop it. this flow. just.can'