Monday, February 28, 2011

Teresa Teresa Wherefore Art Thou, Teresa...

Still making my way through Teresa of Avila's life, still avoiding the War and Peace project, just stopped mid-sentence in the book of Job... am ON this read-a-lot thing... shure.
I have just survived the week of school vacation...the slow recurrent desparation of it all.
And now, one kid back to routine? one left home? only one? I am fighting a very large case of boredom and have SERIOUSLY fallen off the no-sugar wagon... I've fallen right into the gorge yourself until the food spills out of your ears category.  It really is an extraordinary category, i must say.  Feels like shit. never let it be said otherwise. shit. There is some time period when girls are roughly 12-15 when its a funny thing to do, maybe its 'naughty' because it isn't our food in the first place?... to sneak food, to pilfer the goods... to buy one's first hostess cupcake and eat it for lunch in place of mum's homemade bread with pickles sandwich...

but it ain't fun no more. its just shit.

Teresa of Avila lived in a nunnery after she was 16, i think... If I'm incorrect it is because it was earlier.  No such opportunity presented itself.  No Hostess Cupcakes on sale for a dollar a pack, right at the checkout counter... no checkout counters at the nunnery, methinks.
I think the world of her, so far, although I giggle like a school girl still, at what she calls her own sins.  She'd burn right up if she could live in some of my more cherished memories... I might too if I linger too long back there... ( i know, i know, i like to hint and suggest way too much...but, oh, brother... i can still make myself blush.) She's very sweet. Its captivating to think about what her life must have been like.

She's got humility, beyond what is normal for today, and sometimes you want to tell her to stand up for herself, but it really isn't the point, i see.  she believes, and knows what she believes, and thats pretty damn stable, in the end.
She's a big one for 'KEEP THE FAITH!' cheering, and I like that, can even picture the nunnery costumes all aflow in the cheer... 'KEEP TRYING'... 'YOU"RE ON THE RIGHT PATH!!', 'GO, TEAM, GO!!'...

I think I'm in love. I'm happy with the feeling. definitely better than being full.. too much, too much... the cheer remains much longer than the cupcake, and I'm very thankful I've got my cheer on. (well, at least I know where to go looking for it... just have to turn that way... )

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Another list of gratitudes...

I still feel crappy, sometimes the unfinished is just dangling...

so here is my therapy of the week, more of this list:

1. toast crumbs on the plate, how cozy they make me feel and how easy to clean...
2. yellow and white stripes, next to blue/azul.
3. beaches in winter, and summer, and fall, aand spring.
4. bette midler's hair
5. grocery shopping by myself.
6. mint milanos and a cup of tea
7. letterpress
8. public libraries and the children's sections
9. the slight smell of a skunk gone by the night before. . . (specificity needed, yes?)
10. amber
11. Grammie
thats all folks, thats all.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


I have to say that one of the things I've been learning about myself lately has to do with my comfort level in leaving things unfinished. I'm fine with it. seriously.  I can unpack all the groceries but one bag and let it languish on the counter forever and it actually doesn't bother me.  I have a few friends who are (right now) pulling their own hair out at the idea of the lonely bag on my counter and the unfinished nature of the grocery trip.  I'm complete with the unfinished nature of myself.  There are times I wish the shelves to be tidy, the laundry 'finished', the dishes all clean. . . but I almost feel that those are my crazy days, when the idea of perfection has gone awry in my head... the family of four that I live with will never ever be done with laundry, never ever finished. . . the dishes will only be all clean when we are absent. . .
I agree that there is great peace in order... I do .  I feel it, even.  I like traveling to my friends' homes and looking at their cleanliness, I breath deep of the organic bathcleansers and the bleach... different strokes... ! ...
at my grandmother's funeral service two years ago, I made a quilt block and left it -unfinished -for her to take with her. . . there is something magical in the unfinished, it can go anywhere. . .
Right now I'm in a sewing project making angels... they are a strange looking bunch and they are teaching me alot about sewing techniques and color planning and I'm trying to leave my expectations for the end result behind, so that I enjoy the process and just keep going, as I really am learning alot. ..but on each angel, so far, there is something I havent' finished, an idea that I didn't flush out... some embroidery that doesn't go top to bottom, but only half way... I'm not sure whether all that is visible to anyone but me, but I think their unfinished natures sort of appealing.  . . oh well.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Things to be grateful for...

a short list because the 'show' is about to end.

1. cold fingers, reminding me of the bones inside, and all i need is a cup of tea and I am so glad that I can go get it...
2. hot bread
3. friends
4. the end of a tantrum.
5. yoga.
6. light dustings of snow covering the dirty beginnings of spring...
7. the word shashabooey
8. thinking 'magic' is not something you can find in a store. . . and spending a half hour daydreaming about where it is... and knowing the whole time it is me, magic woman wonder.
9. SUGAR. (oh, how I love you and long for you...)
10. the hair on the heads of my kids

See you later,

Friday, February 18, 2011

Wavy lines

I'm so sad today, all my visual cues are coming in through the waviness of tears. crap. boy 5 had to be almost carried out of the house to school, whereupon he arrives fairly peacefully. last day before a weeklong vacation. you say: why make him go if it is so difficult? hubsJ says the same.  I say: but he's fine when he gets there...he's fine!?!@ FINE. . . no problems at school, none. . .
the kicker?  The sadness came before the traumadrama of the 5. . . a feeling of wanting to curl up, be hopeless, feel the broken that there is. . .and as coincidence would have it (ha!) i read this this morning... and while it made me cry (no surprise) it just made me feel more crappy because i have my blinders on and am fully depressed about all the fear and self-loathing that there is. . . bad mom, wife, woman.  crap.
welcome to it.


Thursday, February 17, 2011

Home Improvement 7000

I think I should sell myself on the internets... if, in fact, i am not already. (note to self: don't look into that)
I have three hours today, free.... and after dropping the 5 off at school fairly happily (note to self: try not to lose so much sleep over something that will come and go at the drop of a damn hat, or drip.)...i'm feeling a great relief as the light is getting lighter and the month is almost over...     ... i went to the grocery store for more food to feed the birds.  I'm like the Prioress these days, (chaucer, canterbury? go read.) i care more that the birds are fed than the children... so i got a birdfeed bag the size of my younger child with which to tempt the cardinals to my door. . . it works fairly often and I am filled with joy and wonder each time it does so replenish, replenish, replenish seems to be in-action... and after the riot of the birdfeed, i re-caulked the sink and called it a day... am eating my cool ranch dorito purchase and thinking about starting up a new pot of coffee.... and there are still 90 minutes left to my freemotion extravaganza. . .
can you beat that?
come on...

tell me all about it...
make me feel like i've got friends again...
come on....

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Empty to Fill: Replenish, Replenish, Replenish

I've got a constant chant going on in my head... the inner world insisting on having its way ... 'empty to fill, empty to fill... replenish replenish replenish'...
seriously, after so so many repetitions, one begins to think of moroccan food dishes, desert scenery, maybe even camels...
but it is lovely, barren to plenty, empty to fill... all the possibilities in the cup running over to empty are again and again in my head....
and the five year old in my midst has had to go on a behavior plan (home, not school) because he is so wild with wacky these days.  It could be the move impending, it certainly could be, but whatever its source, its aggression is making me cry.  and yell. and stage my own tantrums, again and again.  So we are all on track, to simplify again, to chop the day into bits to earn checks ... checks .... empty boxes getting filled. . . or left blank. 
the empty is neccessary in order to highlight the filled. dig?
the dark, the light.... eyes close, eyes open...
enough analogy ?

life is so rich. it is.

Sunday, February 13, 2011


I had a great playdate this weekend.  Two of my oldest friends, their spouses and all of their children met in a middle ground to sled, paint, climb trees and swing on swings.  and there was pizza.  It was awesome.  My parents hosted us, swept up messes, held chubby hands and we all got a chance to talk almost like grownups. well, EXACTLY like grownups, with all of the interruptions and repetitious concerns of grownups with children...
In groups like that my hearing is always an issue, I concentrate so hard on finding out what the subject is that I can make myself exhausted very quickly and not be able to take part as much as I'd like.  But when it is a very old friendship, there is SO much forgiveness and SO much familiarity that it feels like the best hot cocoa, the warmest socks, the sharpest cardinal on the branch... it becomes something magical.
watching your friends being parents, seeing in them the reflection of a time past, falling in love with their kids because of the familiarity of feature (sometimes), or the common laugh, the way in which the goofiness spreads... watching your friends deal with the kids' misbehavings, feeling the love and compassion for the strugglers and the parents struggles.... while dealing with all of that yourself...
ah, mishmash of love and hope and an awareness of how big family can be. and small. . . intimate. . . and old... and new, as we all re-meet in different places than a bunch of 7 yr olds, or 14 year olds... right underneath the surface of the new insecurities, the deepening distresses, realizations of longevity and mortality... right underneath that we are still the kids in the group, running for the sleds, trying to get our sleds back up the hill... laughing and feeling the pull of greatest joy. 

Thursday, February 10, 2011

F word, baby... F.

found my camera.

I'm sort of washed out over here. I'm in a substantively new place than I've been in the past few months, and its taking all my energy to figure out how to call everything. what is my new opinion about X? or Y? or heaven, for heaven's sake? I've gotten stuck in the book of John.  I need to get back to Narnia...
My five year old is completely whacked out. this week i said 'fuck you' to him, followed by 'why the fuck did you just do that?' super, SUPER MOM!! (he threw a stick at my head and broke the 'chandelier' type thing...)
thats me.
and since then, he's said it on his own a few times, caught me doing it again and chastised me appropriately...
shit damn fuck damn shit.
so, these are my last days of being able to cuss in my kitchen with HubsJ... the last days...

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Empty to Fill

We are getting ready again to get ready again , yes, to prepare the house. This morning was painting a door and a windowsill to cover the blemishes I have lived with fairly happily for five years.  The amount of time I've spent thinking about renting a storage unit is perverse. downright.  And I'll probably end up with one, the books, my friends, the books. . . for the observers believe books to be clutter. Anyone who has a soul must believe that to be false. (aha!! do you think i am judging? YES, YES... ) but still, I am having a difficult time with feeling penned in by the sheer mass of what we have, sometimes thinking I'd take wing if I just didn't have all these possessions. . . not to leave the family but just to be light, to live lightly here. What are all these things that we have collected.  AS i sit, I can look at the piles next to me and list them for you: bible, Jung, cd, checkbook, unplugged alarm clock, questionable nightlight, new journal, old bill, rubber band, hairclip, incense, bank book, tax collections, old stationary giraffe that I love, matchbook, (and again, all that, times 100.)
I am feeling the need to clean house, to put things in their place, to toss, to clear, to burn away the old, the holds... this heaviness in the feet, the too-big boots clomping... travel lightly, k, travel lightly.... its a whisper in the air... a cardinal in the snow...

Monday, February 7, 2011

Jazz Hands...*edited...

the show was awesome, totally incredible.  Upon the opening scene, with the appearance of a giraffe-man, i was in tears.  I'm so thrilled that I got to see a piece of art, creativity, genius and beauty, in performance. I wanted to jump into it, had to hold back the three year old from jumping into it... that was amazing. amazing. amazing. jazz hands for all.
(the kids did allright, the five perfectly still during the deathscene and the three only needed to be taken out twice, in a three hour performance, thats astounding... E3 was a bit confused about when Simba was going to turn into a real Lion... wheh. )

Today I am annoyed, and I think the emotions behind it are exhaustion- too much activity this weekend, and anxiety- C5 had to be taken to his classroom by his principal because he didn't want to go to school and leave his dad. 

I do think he's fine when he's there.- but he's having more and more struggle (and so are we all, consequently) with leaving home for school... while i love the egowash of good mommy-longing, i can't fool myself and feel all warm and cozy that my kid is having some sort of regression these days. I feel all his vulnerability and sadness, all the time I think of him.  Is it problematic to wish him a 'toughening'? slight? I think probably. Baby is five. tiny boy baby. blagh. it certainly did not help for him to be out of school for four days last week because of the hellious snowfall. (not hellious at all, really, but i did get tired of not having a car or steady drive-around time) so. I used to be able to fool myself, when did that change?

I'm also trying to cut down on my sugar, as I think it is making me itchy, and I am finding no joy in any eating prospects. what the hell.   I WANT JUJU FISH. is that so wrong? and just in case you wonder? coffee with honey really doesn't cut it.
jazz hands again, although slightly more sarcastic. . .

*editor's note. i scarfed toast with nutella... i'm thinking the hazelnuts counteract the sugar, no? yes? plus, i got a kid back from school with a screaming headache. yes? no? wahwah.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Lions and Aslan and more... oh my ...

We're going to see a production of the Lion King tomorrow and we are awash in all things lion here. The kids haven't seen the movie but we got a book from the library yesterday so the kids would learn about Scar, badguys and the death of a dad and recovery from that... my five year old is going through some sort of emotional wreckage stage and can hardly wrest himself from the tears when he is thwarted at any moment. it can go on for what seems like hours. things are thrown, names are called, threats are made. Its pretty awesome to see and WAY more awesome to live through.  Honestly, he's so sad behind all that - I can usually hold my shit together for long enough to wait out the crap til he gets to the weepy huggy thing at the end.  I just cannot understand where it is all coming from... so much vulnerability.
Anywho. the Lion King gets it in the movie/book/show and so I'm trying to expose C to the idea before we get there so that he can suffer it to get through to the rest of the adventure... I'm hoping to subtly thwart a public tantrum of sadness and to encourage a 'bear it' attitude to get through to the joy and achievement of the 'resurrection of the boy King'
ogh. brother.  The younger one has a lion named Aslan, because he loves lions, believes himself to be one most days and we are all over the lion motifs.... all over it.  Guess who Aslan represents in c.s.lewis world? yerp.
Can I get a whoop whoop?

a bit much, no? I'm awash in analogy and parable and mothering. what up, Dude?

Friday, February 4, 2011

Now, listen here...

I am Not going to post biblical passages every day... so there.
too much typing and a lot of wacky feelings about how people reading are taking it. yes, vanity, of a sorts. 
and too much ego involved in the writing but i haven't figured out yet how to get past myself. working. working.

I spent the naptime on Thursday! yes, a two-kid naptime, snowday #3!! today reading the book of Matthew in my non-highlighted bible version and man, it really is a good read and while i think myself fairly literate, i don't think i've sat and read that all up before. .  .  If we're going to try and be all good in the world, there is a lot of work to be done. huh. I feel like I've heard that before, somewhere. more work?! sheesh.  concentration? focus? eyes wide open? all the time? 

why is there so much fighting if all the smarties run around saying the same things?

Okay, also, today being snowday #4 while they check the roof for ice, presumably keeping the kids all un-crushed, today my friends, today is the third anniversary of my hearing loss. and i can hear. so . there is that.
it'll make it all a bit sweeter, even as i try to get all the errands done that I've put off in hopes of doing them without children. . . and now, we tackle banks, groceries, libraries and herbstores with 2, two cranky penned-up, pent-up children.

blessed be the poor in spirit for they shall inherit the earth.  i'm going to give away all my money today, so that i can be blessed in spirit and not kill the children. think it'll work?


Thursday, February 3, 2011

Beauty tudes... (BIBLE QUOTES coming down the out)

HI. Just doing some reading the other day, after church and all... found out what the sermon was all about... thought I'd share what Christians all over the world are supposed to believe. . .
all over.
all of us, them.
Plus, the hubsJ bible has all of Jesus' words in red, which I think is sort of hysterical... so easy to find, hollah....

here goes: from Luke, chapter 6... 20-38

...Blessed be ye poor, for yours is the kingdom of God.
Blessed are ye that hunger now: for ye shall be filled.  Blessed are ye that weep now: for ye shall laugh.
Blessed are ye, when men shall hate you, and when they shall separate you from their company, and shall reproach you, and cast out your name as evil, for the Son of man's sake.
Rejoice you in that day, and leap for joy: for, behold, your reward is great in heaven: for in the like manner did their fathers untio the prophets.
But woe unto you that are rich! for ye have received your consolation.
Woe unto you that are full! for ye shall hunger. Woe unto you that laugh now! for ye shall mourn and weep. Woe unto you, when all men shall speak well of you! for so did their fathers to the false prophets.

But I say unto you which hears,
Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you.
Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you.
And unto him that smiteth thee on the one cheek offer also the other: and him that taketh away thy cloak forbid not to take thy coat also.
Give to every man that asketh of thee:
and him that taketh away thy goods ask them not again.
And as you would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise.
For if ye love them which love you, what thank have ye? for sinners also love those that love them.
And if ye do good to them which do good to you, what thank have ye? for sinners also do even the same.
And if ye lend to them of whom ye hope to receive, what thank have ye? for sinners also lend to sinners, to receive as much again.
But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again: and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be children of the Highest: for he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil.
Be ye therefore merciful, as your father is also merciful.
Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven.
Give, and it shall be given unto you: good measure, pressed down,  and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that you mete withal it shall be measured to you again.

whoosh. for my baking and cooking friends, the ending sticks. For my political friends, the middle. For everyone, the all.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

and then we had some snow...

I can't even begin to tell you how much I like being snowed in once a week over here in the Big Little. I do. I am immensely grateful for the snow, the quietude, the hush of the outdoors... the inside is a little less hushed and today we are awash in vomit and diarhhea so it is somewhat less romantic than normal... but I am still glad.  Glad that I am not required to be anywhere, glad that I am not chasing kids around in a car, glad that I am not losing another day of pay with Mother Nature's snowplow heaven... glad glad glad.
I'm going down to make a fire, I've given up on shoveling, everytime I go out, someone throws up. . . so it is a sign, as I see it today...I've got books, the sickos have videos and a pullout bed... hubsJ has the car that is better in the snow and a good sensibility for driving in this stuff... and he will be home when he can...
we are snowed in, and glad of it over here.

(don't ask me if i feel all glowy like this later on today, i haven't slept in the past day and a half and my answer may have changed somewhat... but not now.  GLAD. )