Monday, March 30, 2009


my husband's reaction to my comment, 'i just can't find peace in this.' in the middle of the umpteenth night of not sleeping- or rather, sleeping four in a small queensized bed(full)!...

we are the dirt, the soil that our children are growing up in. . . and its spring. we're getting pounded by rain, turned over by overanxious gardeners, shockingly frozen, windburned, and all within the same day or week. It is spring, and we are the richest loam any farmer has ever seen. We are the origin of hope and the birthing nest of two entire people.
and so a trapdoor opened and some sun shone onto my heart for a few minutes as I lay in bed with my husband for the 20 minutes before our wreckage of a sleeppattern commenced...

Friday, March 27, 2009


the kids were fine with the babysitter. FINE. I came home an hour early, and they were still fine. FINE. Although the older blondie has begun 'needing' me more often, I don't think it is because of a babysitting incident, but maybe.

i'm almost late picking my oldest boy up from school . . . , after ordering a water filter (gift certificate finally came through) to get rid of residual lead that may be in the water. My younger child, currently sleeping downstairs, had a high lead level!! Oh LORD! so we are weaning in the hopes that he will begin to actually eat, we are filtering- even though we had the lead checked upon moving in, its an old old house and who the hell knows... , and we are forcing liquid veggie iron down his throat to combat said lead. without humor, I hope I haven't damaged the shiny redhead in our midst .

I swear to God, my head will fall off, and then the Dog will get me...

Wednesday, March 25, 2009


Tonight we are having our first ever babysitter who is not a grandparent. My almost eighth-grader niece is taking over and while i think that normally is much too young, she's been babysitting her two younger siblings for quite a while so is more adept than most. We'll see. . .
Its not as though I'm doing some wild night out, I have a meeting a C's nursery school and J's going to meet me there after work... but she'll be feeding them, putting them infront of a movie and playing with them... her mom will be home and they live less than a mile away...

and i'm a nutty wreck. I'm eating juju fish and should be utterly placid, but NO. all i can think about is how quickly I could get home if there was a problem. and its not quick enough. I am amazed that its been four years now and I have not ever given over the charges- and now I am, to a tiny little girl with the only qualifying feature being that she has brothers. holy crap.

holy crap.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


its not the actual children that do it. I have two lovely boys who frequently amaze me with their individual humors, their very natures, in fact, as different as they are. It is the Existence of them... the presence of them, the intrusion upon my soul. No simple matter for a mother to fix...
My space, my space, where is it? How much tv can small children handle whilst their mother hides in the playroom, rocking herself in the chair? Its amazing how extreme it can be from day to day, and how placid as well. What to do when one half of the keel is missing/hurricane-like? The roll from side to side like some nefarious carnival ride -
Today is not one of the placid ones on my inner ocean, let me just say. The kids are fine, one sleeps and one drones on in front of curious george. they are lovely and probably deserve a less rockabilly mother.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009


The blurred penguin about town, sits at the icecream parlor, wishing the firetrucks would race somewhere to save the day just so he could see it and tell his friends.
I went to see Chakra Carol again... my spleen is still chock full o'disappointment. hopes dashed, expectations deflated... may bear looking into why- but I am back into the momitude of my day to day in just under 24 hours... Carol gave me some selfhelp/clarification CD listening to do and I will try to work that into my routine so I can do some more thinking about it all. This life seems punctuated by bad experiences and I should probably look at my phraseology to see if I can work in more accurate punctutation, or cut it out alltogether. What price, the comma?


what will be good about the listening is that part of it involves a writing requirement. I love the blogging but have missed the old pen. and as the writing will involve the other half of my marriage, and what we go through and who I am in the marriage , it will not be particularly blogworthy. As well, there is encouragement to rant and to question our thoughts, as if the brain were an interloper ... maybe making me nuts which is not always what I want people to see, believe it or not.
I don't feel as all relaxed and zen after this visit. I think the depression and/or wilt of the past month or three has gotten under my skin.

and I've been thinking it was April for about a week and a half and am just astonished to find that I'm still in March. what gives? Am I so ready for Spring that I am racing through it? And many people have had babies lately, or one person had two babies lately and I ricocheted off some bibs for her and was pleased to discover that holding a small baby does not make me want one. It sure did make me remember that unique experience but without any real sense of longing. AND I know how to make a bib with my eyes closed now, almost - and it shows. but I assume that this new mom of twins will not look too closely at my work and will just be happy to keep some of the spitup off the floor.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

fabric foolery

I'm trying to make a quilt, in line with a group-deal on a website that I follow. I'm woefully behind but it (if it should ever be finished) is going to be a bed-sized quilt and so I am excited that I've even got most of the fabric cut. IF i get it done, i am going to feel immensely proud. It is a mix of reds, blues, prints and what nots that I've had for a while. My favorite is the navy blue. It was an old dress that I found in a Salvation Army when we first moved up here. I was pregnant and never ever going to fit into it, so it has been re-purposed, and will hopefully show itself well in a quilt.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

shuffle shuffle vacuum

seriously, what the hell is this all about? I can hardly get out of my own way lately and am increasingly tired of my own annoyances. The repetitions are unceasing, tidy tidy tidy, to no avail. I am old beyond my years and I can't see an end to it and it is the most depressing idea in the world, that even should I have a week and week and week away, I still have to come back. -and sure, i'm sure it'll go away. right? at some point i will happily clean dogpoop out of my kids mouth and motor all day putting away blocks with an air of less futility, right?

And as to the photo? This is in the newest hapymeal toy we got. No wonder kids are tough and ready for war at the age of four. This is what happens to spiderman? Since when is he a terrorizing force in the world? WHat happened to kidunderwearredbluedorky peter parker? I'm scared of this toy and all he does is spit water out in the tub.

Sunday, March 1, 2009


if you were to guess ... what would you guess veroomnium to mean?

I seriously have no idea but have visions of my sons being involved in a dramatic rendition of it, or maybe it is a type of rose. anyhow, go see Russell's blog to see what I'm talking about.

I love him and he's finished the invite for c's school and so I feel accomplished because of the work I am now able to do...
I'll put a picture of it up when I can find the camera.

-I've eaten a bag of JuJu fish and I am very happy with that but feeling a bit more jittery than normal, I"m letting the kids both sleep longer than I should and will pay for it later. Its one more of the things that motherhood teaches me, that there is no bloody escape. OR, that any escape attempted will be entirely bloody. . . All things are connected and while some people are able to look at the ebb and flow of the universe and feel connected to that - I mostly feel haunted and trapped. so goes the joy of motherhood for me.

- I seem to be on a constant mission to simplify, to clarify, to whittle down. In a hundred ways, I try to speak like a three year old, to limit the complications I impose on my life. And the JUJU of it all is that I don't know quite what to do with myself in this role. ITs been three and a half years and I'm still dealing with the issues of resentment and shock that happened at the moment of birth. I'm beginning to think I need to put it all down and just let it goddamned go like the pushcars of my living room (push down on the head and the car zooms away as the head slowly rises back to its starting point) . . . and then what?

still haven't figured out what I"m going to do next. when the candy settles out- when the kids are self-sufficient- what? And what the hell about my chakras? Will someone please take my kids so I can go see CHakra Carol again?! Why does it take three months to get an afternoon alone? My disappointed spleen, my overly-protected heart chakra... c'mon, let me at em.