Saturday, December 28, 2013

Nowhere to run to, babay...

nowhere to hiiii-iiide...

tuney, but in its truth, currently,  a foggy bog of soulsucking fantasty-novel terror.  thats right.
my mom's doing okay, but only in comparison to the above-mentioned reality.  its not that good.

we are so frequently swept away, into grief, into memory, into 'other'ness ... there is no sure footing and what there is... the color/texture/smell of grey,sick-baby poo.

the boys got a video game system for Christmas, and so i haven't seen them for two full days. we are sort of hoping that immersion will enable them to stop of their own volition, but so far they are not really eating well, and last night the newly-6 was complaining of what will become carpal tunnel if they are not turned from their fate.

so fucking what.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Days clicking along

i'm completely in an apathetic grief-crisis.  i have about no- things that i care very much about... and that is how i am handling grief over here.  i did manage to send the kids in with cards for their classmates and presents for their teachers.  i yelled to my husband to give the bus driver something. he did.
i am getting dressed, but often i am wearing what i slept in, which is clothing. sometimes i change my underwear or brush my hair. 
this behavior is not enjoyed or encouraged by my family.  i am not encouraging family visits and i do not want to socialize.  this is how i swing.
the kids are keeping me off the closet floor and that probably has benefits.
christmas vacation started last night and i am glad to skip routine entirely. i am .   let us be .

around 5:00 i cannot stop myself from yelling myself hoarse. i have to swallow to breathe.  this is not enjoyable.

i'm pretty sure everyone has a gift. pretty much. if not, i apologize and i am sure i will feel bad when i discover this, but today? right now?  its completely irrelevant and meaningless. so there.

i have waves of panic for my kids, my family, hubsJ, myself... when you are smacked with the suddenness of loss, you realize how tentative life as you know it is... the lie is 'as you know it'.... i try to seek out the apathy, what some might mistakenly call acceptance, to let the panic subside.  maybe its a form of meditation.  maybe its just a big 'fuckyou' to everything.  i can't tell.

i don't feel crazy or 'wrong'... i just feel magnified, in an unpleasant fashion. everything is bigger. and yet, less clear. very large fuzzy.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

learning curves

in the wake of a wake. and a funeral.  big wakes, fishing boat wakes, the kind that send little boats all akimbo, all awash in worry and plunge.

at the wake you see that there are many many (all) who know exactly what it is you are feeling, and while you laugh and smile because there is literally no sustainable way to express grief at all times, the body has the pressure-relieving chuckle, or real social smile to keep you alive. . . and the community of humanity which has loss as one of its characteristics is surprising in its lack of discrimination.
and then you are at the funeral, and remember bits and pieces and incredulity at what is going on and then, realizations and sinking ins and then, back out again to the distant shore.  i remember so little of what went on there. and more greetings and sadnesses and recognitions and remembrances and so much.  while i had been dreading and gearing up for and staking my claim on survival, it went fast and now is over. and what is left is the un-nameable ...
and i'm having struggles with my children, and i am having trouble cooking dinners, and blankness is pervasive and from afar, i am confused and overwhelmed by it all. i am waiting to regain my footing, trying and failing to have patience with myself, with hubsJ who is also grieving, my kids who are also greiving whilst whipping into a 'get stuff' frenzy which will go wildly different this time around, but only for me.. packages bought, delivered... whatever. santa santa shithead.
i thought i wouldn't have anger because of my belief in the way things are.  but that is a crock. for me, and for now.  i am angry at the world for rolling on and on. for the demands of my days, for the inability to lie down on the floor in the closet and stay there. for having to get dressed, for having to feed other people, to be kind to them.  for wanting something totally different. so totally different.
and i'm mad by how humiliated i feel by my ignorance of what is something that every person will go through, this loss. this death. the suddenness of change. something so large? that i thought i recognized? what an ass. a complete ass and fool. i am in awestruck mode, and angry, and full of spit and vinegar, as my dad would say.  i am not angry at god, or at my dad.  they get a pass.

Friday, December 6, 2013


this morning i am up early, knowing somehow that the light coming into the world is more than my wristwatch is acknowledging.  my clock had stopped, the dawn was arrived.  this afternoon begin the services for my dad. the 'visiting hours' which seem so short, but are so unbelievably costly.  did you know? do you really know, for one set of visiting hours, retrieval of the body from the hospital and cremation, we're talking almost 8 thousand dollars? THOUSAND. and we are doing one, three hour visiting thing plus a funeral tomorrow.  and you are supposed to pay before the service happens.
hustle hustle. die on the inside some more. die to be writing checks . i'm not funny.

while i know that what you expect is grief and while i can tell you that i have more than enough to satisfy your pining for grief, i want to also tell you to go buy some insurance. i really do.  my parents must have been planning since they were in their 20s.  it is absolutely unreal how well and seriously they planned for this kind of occaasion.  my mom is fine, will be fine, and will be self-suficient.  it is miraculous, and a testament to my dad and his need to get things taken care of.  .  . but, the whole idea that planning for something like this is a bad idea, or somehow tells the universe to make it come faster is a crock.  please go get some burial insurance or something because your kids or your spouse cannot handle economic destitution on top of all this grief.  take care of your people.

and while i lecture you on something you really need to do, my whole life is an unpleasant spin. nauseating, and so damn sad...
crying on the tilt-o-whirl.