Saturday, October 30, 2010

Lying down with the Lions

Daniel in the lion's den was let alone, because he asked G to make it so.  If I lie down with my lions, rest my body, release my 'plight' , and ask..? will it be so?
Can my lions let me alone?

I am not fooled. For ages, I believed my day would come when the boys were both in school and I had the six hours a week to myself.  MY DAY!!
but, it doesn't play that way.  sickness, laundry, bizzybizzy. . . and the time is eaten up. will i forever be looking into the future for the relief? the pleasure?

I don't trick myself into thinking I am overly burdened.  I am not.  I have this life, I get tired of it sometimes, but it is mine and much of what I don't like about it is my own doing, or what I have allowed to be. . .
there is a lot of good in it.  I am thirsty for many things, and much of what the body craves is not infact, very good for the body.  I am not a pregnant body.  Trip trap.

All this work, and I still need help to be still, to feel fulfillment, to get feedback, to look around without judgement and enjoy the hell out of this life in my hands. . . here I am. 
Give me more.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Lazy Thinking

Man walks into the bar and says, 'I'm just a simple man, all I need to be happy is sex and straight communication'..

Bartendress pummels him into the ground..."boy, that boy needed some life experience..."

Ah, girls. . . evidently, the simple truth is that men are simple. they have very clear wants and needs and if we want to keep them happy, which is evidently, paramount... all we have to do is satisfy these needs and all will be well with the world.  (which one? i can't recall. )
Keep those menfolk happy.  Have sex! Communicate your fondnesses at all times.... its so easy, just add it to the 'to-do'...

Lazy thinking.
And, actually, insulting to the smart, complicated men that I know. While they would LOVE more sex, and good, clear, communication, they also have strong opinions, lifelong ambitions, weaknesses, and the occasional indescribable. I give on the idea that most men really love sex, i give. But when they get all they could possibly want, there is still all the rest of it... and still all within their OWN grasp (no puns intended).  Nobody else gives you what you want and solves all your problems. It is not how it happens.
This is the same lazy thinking that allows us to believe it matters what one's party is, when the results of getting our lives in line are the same, moving towards thrift, smart environmental approaches and responsible people in the government, it is lazy thinking to get all ramped up about an issue of 'belief' instead of taking steps to live ones own life in accord.
Give me more.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010


I'm getting very repetitive in my dotage. (milk, sickness as mental leap, wierd/weird, ? hello? )
We here in the household Weird are fevered and slowly getting covered in the red dot of a laserpointer dream. what is it? how did it come to pass?
This is the third day after a long weekend of travel, in which the children are home with their mother.  The children have not lost their senses of humor.  Their mother? lost.
We have painted, we have read, we have even cooked.  I spent the entire day yesterday making a lovely wintersquash/apple/potato soup, which no child would ever eat. ever. The roast chicken fed the brood, and the machinebread filled in the gaps. butter is a neccessity here, as the bread is how I get the kids their actual nourishment, as they simply will not eat anything else that I serve, and I will not serve secondary meals.  damnit.
I don't think its bedbugs (they live in NYC, evidently, and would be equal opportunity pests, not singling out children alone)
I don't think its chicken pox as nobody is screaming of the itch. (too bad.)
What're my other choices? I don't google these things as I just can't stand the glut of information on terrible things and I am losing my ability to discern plausible from possible.
pray for me.
come squirt us with some sort of anti-dot.
come on...

Monday, October 25, 2010

the weird spot on the dresser...

I've set myself up to be a wierdo, i think.  I'm leaning into all these inexplicables, like I just don't support the drinking of cow's milk except in cereal or coffee.  true.
I have no real reason, just a feeling. unsupported by the hubs, by the way. He'd like us all to be guzzling the white stuff. . .
I also feel quite certain that every illness is a way for the body to plow through some sort of developmental stage.  Proven, as far as I am concerned, in the MASSIVE amount of feverish behavior being exhibited by the children and theirvery frazzled mother in this particular household. 
I am allowing the kids to watch the Power Rangers, all the time.  (very, very weird.)
I am becoming radically unconcerned with being involved in any outerworld activities. radical.
I am refusing to give any advice ever again, as I believe it to be part of the crapulent judgemental thing that is harmful to mom's [gah!! poor grammatical prowess, at show, and not deleted because that would be fraudulent] and women everywhere... , and am seriously considering shooting the next person who gives me some. (see: recently visited the extended family for a long long time)
My reactions to hubsJ are based purely (almost) on a desire not to expose vulnerability.  HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT?! the person i spend the most time with in the world, and i don't want him to know that i like him.

i think i might need to go see chakra carol again soon, just for me and some major chakric rearrangement. or maybe if she just pushed me off a ledge, that would do it...

Friday, October 22, 2010


My three year old is slowly deciding to give up his nap, at the strangest of times, and without changing his bedtime or rising time.  Even recovering from a fever, when most are apt to sleep MORE than normal? no go.
I am very tired from his fever. let me tell you. very tired.
My eyes are itching from the latest sickness... and he is cute, but the devil.
and i got him a new elephant toy (off the less is more wagon and on the halloween-candy-in-the-house-junkie-motionpicture show... picture Riley in the vampire crack den.... )
and said elephant toy is actually a lethal weapon to my knees, my belly and occasionally the head.  i want to melt it down in the fire.

and hubsJ is enjoying the mists of Seattle and so happy to be with an old friend. so happy.
It is sometimes easier to be alone in this parenting battle, especially temporarily, because there are no standards, no expectations... and I wonder if it isn't really like that all the time but for my mind's attachment to judging my own worth? ...
damn, I begin to believe that my only enemy is my own damn self. and it isn't actually helpful at this point.
they say 'knowing is half the battle'... well, great. half. battle. half.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


Oh, sex, I always forget about you.  I'm so 'busy', there are children all around, my brain spins with the useless decisions and constant 'thought', all day, all day, so much so much and there is just so little time for sleep, at the end of all that dread for 'bedtime... and then there is the warmth now of the blankets and the lull of deep breaths and the radiation of the heat from the mass of bodies in my bed.  and the lurker at the other end of that mass? oh, a nice one, he.

Oh boy, that same he leaves for five days from work tonight, the kiss this morning, free of anger, free of recriminations, was sweet...sad, already full of longing... for return.

Oh sex, why do I never remember you until you are gone?

Tuesday, October 19, 2010



1. No, i have not cut anyone's hair.  There is an unopened clipper on the counter, awaiting the time when the ugly bug of rut or lice-itude shows its head again.  I feel lame for not giving you a bald me but am very afraid that I will be cold and ugly AND bald when this happens and I am not alltogether comfortable with those three things.
2. The school is settling out, 23 kids in his class and things being dealt with in a sortof timely fashion.
3. Another PTO meeting, at which I spoke a bit in a fairly intelligent but vaguely pointless (certainly ineffectual) sort of way  ... stroke victims sat off to the side so I focused on them less.  have decided they are stroke victims instead of alcoholics as I can handle that more. The principal made cookies.
4.  The school nurse was totally cool about our lice problem and couldn't find any in his hair when i showed up that morning anyhow. totally cool.
4a.  Yesterday the school nurse called me to come pick him up because he had a rash and said it was because he ate strawberries.
4a1. he didn't eat strawberries, he had mosquito bites. 
hmmm. mosquito bites? hmmm. . . okay. okay.
5. I got his progress report today and says he needs improvement in writing.
hello? he is in school to learn how to write. to learn. how. to . write.

ha. ah.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Not one of you...

I love the vegetarians, who love all things bean.
I love the people who cook, and freeze and always have something ready that is delicious and wholesome and just needs to be popped in the oven.
I love the people who clean their showers, all the time, so that the shower is the color the tile men think it should be.
I love people who make playdough each week, fresh and salty for the kiddos to eat.
I love the moms who work out.
I love the yogis who manage their breath during their non-yogi time.
I love people who smile as they walk down the street instead of staring at the cracks in the sidewalk.
I love the confidence of the multitudes who believe they are good and whole.

I am not one of you.
and that is where i am at.
working on it...

Friday, October 15, 2010

In light...

In light of my new relationship to embarassment, I am going to share... more.   I have bought a clipper at the local CVS, for $16.99, in case you were wondering.  (One does not buy USED clippers, i am told)  I am considering the full shear. yes, i am .  I think, in part, to piss off my husband.  He is lovely sometimes and having a struggle lately and I feel like I need some sort of signal to the world that I am heading off my rocker.

I have long considered chopping my locks.  They are fairly nondescript, dirty blond/brown sort of listless bundle of hairs on the top of my rather big ears.  After the buddhist meditation day/plunge of a few weeks ago, I spent several days brushing my hair, thinking how nice it must feel to have such a short crop.  like a little boy... (one without lice, please.)
Granted, my boys have long lustrous locks themselves.  Curls or straight, long, long hair.  The younger is frequently mistaken for a girl.  (idiots.)

So. I have the clipper on the counter. Hubs J expresses trepidations.  I think of the cold.  I am scared. Maybe it is not for me. Maybe it is.  Maybe I have a good face for it.  Maybe i've got pimples all over my scalp.  The lice won't make an urban legend of me if I am shorn. (see: mother with throbbing headmass runs screaming through streets)  Maybe it'll be the ticket to jerk me out of a rut I cannot see the end of...
Maybe I'll be like Brittany and start wearing wigs.  Maybe it'll make me all hopeful...  

It might make my still-growing ears a bit of a problem, or highlight the tape holding my glasses together.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Seriously? How To handle embarassing things...

Yesterday Hubs J told me he thought I had a gift for happy.  He's not a sarcastic person, either.
he was talking straight.
of course,
-this was in the midst of an all out battle against the demon lice and the demon children who carry them, hatch them and completely freak their community bed-sleeping mother out of her ever-living mind.
AND- this was in the midst of the 'i'm so angry i could kick you' phase of the last post, which is still lingering and making me feel ... wait for it... angry.
and bad about myself and so on and so forth.

i have started journaling more again, and that is good, again... and i have been practicing reiki on my kids, which they love so much it is almost spooky.  they lie down, still, on the ground and wait for me to put my hands on them.  i hold my hands still on their body and empty my precious little brain of all thought, and just sort of listen to the world. and then move on to the next spot... the kids love it and my five year old infestation originator asked me yesterday if i could teach him how to do it. .. .

chakra carol is teaching me and the D. how to do reiki.  it is pretty damn cool. but I'm totally embarassed that I'm doing it and that its happening AND that i like it. ANd I feel like people are going to think that I'm fruity lala and that maybe I won't know how to cut them to shreds wittily when they do because i'm going to fall in love with the waves or living in yurts or something.
SO.  I handle my embarassment and fear by making it public.
now you know.
lice and reiki .
its all out there now.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Don't know where I am...

I'm all whacked out, really far away from being able to do all that stuff that I know is good for me, that I've been working hard on getting into, towards, etc.  I'm really angry a lot of the time and what I'm angry about is not neccessarily flaring up or present, I'm just carrying the anger like some sort of badge.  and I actually feel like I know better these days.... its not true, for instance, the little blamegame crap that goes on in my internal dialogue is just not true.  I can brush it off completely.  but I'm not settling into the peace like normal.... i am still angry.
There is a lot going on and almost all of it pointing in good directions, and I am still battling the bricks of the front steps. . .
so. what to do? avoid typing?
huh .
i looked at last year's writing at this time and thought again of my friend pam who is wonderful and with whom I haven't talked for ages... and so I link to this, what I gave her a long time ago and what I need to settle into...

Thursday, October 7, 2010


so. this is my humble pie.  what i am good at? huh.
i had a sick kid all weekend, who was taken to the beach by his dad on a last gasp summer/fall day to have a blast and fall stricken with fever into his mother's arms when said beach day was done. this continued. 
said mother is COVERED in poison ivy that has not appeared on any of the children, but is ransacking the sanity of the mother as we speak.
said sicko is home again today, after three days of school, because of a rash and some 'funny' behavior this morning.  He ate the last of the summer/fall strawberries from california last night in his mother's last ditch attempt at savoring the foods of the summer.

'h' - he is helping me now by typing letters, quotations added by me later to great dismay ...


I am beseiged by the slightly ill. 
can you feel all the 'last ditch' going on over here? 
I'm working my way out from underneath a pile of crap in said ditch.

'said' is woefully underdeveloped, don't you think? My humble nature is exposed for a fearful one, full of face rashes and recognition of  'off' .... ho hum. welcome to it.

Monday, October 4, 2010


SO.  I am finding myself in a bit of a quandry.  a spot difficult for my ego to process, because my ego is all complex and shit.
I have this longstanding relationship with humility... a feeling that walks along hand in hand with a conviction that if one is overly confident, cocky or vain about one's self/ability/skill/control, that G-d will get pissed off and very likely take it away or somehow burn you with a big stick.  It is not exactly a well-formed belief system but it has been around in my psyche for quite a while.  It makes it impossible for me to believe compliments or their givers.  Its actually a source of some discomfort in my marriage because I am married to someone who believes himself to be incredibly selfconfident and humble at the same time! which I tend to scorn and deride on a regular basis as an impossibility.  'scorn and deride' are a bit strong but when pushed I can really bring down the house.
The present difficulty comes because two people, three, actually, have told me that I am good at something and I'm freaking out because if I believe them, i will never have access to it again.  get it? its sort of crazy, i can feel that... so I have to convince myself that THEY are crazy and misguided and therefore I can keep myself in motion. 
right. writing it out makes me feel stupid. 
nonetheless, plunging onwards in stupidity...
but I can see the problems in my thinking ... and so I have to look at it awhile...
how do I acknowledge my own helplessness in the midst of a skill? or, my own training? or an ability that has grown over time with practice? practice, that I was Granted the time and space, to 'perform'? Why is it that I value the lack of will so highly?  as if, in wanting to do something, I were tempting the G to take away my want and thereby, I shouldn't start at all, because it will all end in lost ? yah? the very wanting becomes the problem. 
my word.
right? whoosh.
where does this all come from?
 I wish i could get more comfortable with my own sense of arrogance, or self-comparing...
'but I'm taller than a dwarf, at least... etc...' (no offense to dwarves for their stature being one I am proud to top... by a little, only...)...
i mean, i must be a better driver than she is, i havne't got half the dents she does...
she spends all her money on their clothes, she's clearly more vain than me... her values are WHACK...

there is a psychosis in the vanity.  it is tied to a pride, which is not a humility. humility contains a certain non-judgement,  dig?
so, where does this leave me? when i want something, to do something, to explore something... but i wind up afraid to even begin, because i might want something? because if i am good, it is bound to be lost to me?

my word.