Thursday, May 19, 2011

Ehem... Is this thing on?...

I'm going to take a little break. Just while I get this shit together and get us moved.  We have seven days til the 'pod' arrives and as much as i love to throw around good 'outofbody' terminologies, there isn't anyone (only mio) to beam this shit up.  dig? It is time to make my puttering very meaningful...
So, I'll see you out of time, out of mind... from the next frontier...minus beth of the shiny shirt, the curbs-of-death for nips, the shouting scary guy in the courtyard across the street, the crazy liar of a child that I keep feeding who does not belong to me, and more... so much more...

see you on the other side...


Monday, May 16, 2011

The biggest lies...

We all have it, that thing about ourselves that we can't see, can't handle, can't get our 'minds' around... Its mostly easy to see it in other people, because I'm just so damn judgemental, I should get some kind of award.  Oh, she is so vindictive about things... Oh, man, if she could just stop trying to control everything, she might be able to breathe and then stop exploding, etc. Oh boy, he is so power-crazed, OH boy.
But the biggest lies are the ones we have about ourselves, that we believe in so strongly that we can't even address.  Here are some, that I have tried, or seen in others, or somesuch:

I am so stressed out.
I just want to get away.
I'm really a relaxed person at heart. (HA!- working on that one...still, maybe forever... )
Its just a temporary phase.
Any day now I'm going to...
I just don't deserve this.
I've gotten over my mother's...
I've got it under control.
If my body were different, I'd ...
When my kids are out of the house, I'm going to...
I have a sense of the plan.

I call them lies, but they are dreams and wishes sometimes too... but how long will we linger in the dream and wish stages before we move, make our motions? MOVE.


Friday, May 13, 2011

One missing FATHEAD

Ah, the first time for everything... a post gone missing. 
my love for michelle obama will remain hidden under its bushel, and my fear and trepidation for the caloric intake of my neighbors and thereby my own children will be hushed.
hushed, i say.


*its not missing anymore, LOOK!! wahoo blogger!!!--but it lost me my Nancy comment, and that just bites...

Thursday, May 12, 2011


Okay, I'd like to see Michelle Obama, please.  I like her, want her to be my friend.  And I'd like to know how she is going to fight childhood obesity in my neighborhood.  really. I want her to come and give us a talking to... with those very fine arms of hers, and her mad dancing skills and beautiful clothing tastes. .. 

Everytime (EVERY) I send my skinny five year old off on a playdate after school, he is fed.  And when I say 'fed', I am not suggesting that the kids gobble up apples and pretzels and whatevers... I am saying that they visit fastfood houses and come home with BAGS of food.  BAGS.  I understand, very deeply right now as I eat every carb within 50 feet, that FOOD = love.  I do, I get it. 
BUT my LORD.  The kid came home yesterday with the 'lunch' that they got after school which he didn't eat because, of course,  he ate lunch AT SCHOOL... the lunch was one of those lunchable box things... OK, lets talk about the grotesque box o'horror that arrived here.... sounds so innocent, ham and cheese sandwich, jello, cookies, water... I was so pleased to see the water it was almost comical... because silly old me didn't see the small pack of koolaid that one can drop into the only healthy product in the box... neat neat.  the amount of packaging alone overwhelmed the bluebox of recycling... the meat was sliced into the shape of a heart.  a heart. so cute.
HOW CAN MEAT STAY 'FRESH'?  i ask you in seriousness.  what the hell IS it? is it even meat? and the cheese was these tiny slices of orange... and then there was jello and some cookies my 3 wouldn't even eat, and he loves loves cookies.
so, after the lunch that he didn't eat, he got supper at mcdonalds. because he NEEDED it.

the grotesquery is all the more grotesque because we live in the city, in a poor part of town, and nobody should be spending that much money on such crap food.  seriously, apples are way better all around and i'm just a honky on the corner talking to myself. you dig?

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Going to be vintage 70s Elvis soon...

I am heavily heavily into the sugar these days. Just polished off one of those individual sundaes in a cup, not even kidding... bought dayold donuts at the store when buying my lasagna supplies. waiting for the coffee to brew... discovered the last of the kids jellybeans from Easter in the closet behind the cocoa. mine.  My fingers are cold because my blood is off doing the hookilau with my innards and I am beyond beyond, as my motherinlaw would say... beyond.
the moving is going slowly, my kids are making me crazy. hubsJ is becoming unmentionable... (mentionable, hi!!mwah...) the dog is dead, there are lots of empty boxes and lots of unchecked lists and tons of empty candywrappers.
and seriously? gaining weight.  belly blowup has begun. if someone asks me when i'm due, i might buy a gun. (just for the loud noise, mind you, just for the loud noise.)
so thats where its at.
i'm too tired to google. sugarlull. bet the coffee is almost ready...

Thursday, May 5, 2011

More changed than I know what to deal with...

So, the dog died, right? right. sucky. But my husband made this comment that has stuck around and made me think, remember and think again upon how much this whole motherhood bag has changed the hell out of me, bringing forth powers I knew not ... and while its glib and gladhanding, I think it true.  He described a sense that my grieving for roxanne the beagle and holding her while she was in the dying, was different from his.  Not that he didn't love her as much or hold her as much, but that there was a quality in my grief which contained the 'mothering'. . . which led him to understand why it is that women, in general, do not make war.
so, these are big numbers, yes?
There is something to it.  A sense of identifying with 'life', a 'pro' that cannot be co-opted by some niftycrafty political affiliatiion.  the 'responsibility' for life? holding space for the life and mourning the death of another'child, another's father, another's friend, within our own frame?  I think, looking at the women of all ages around me, that it continues on long after child-bearing is an issue... I'm not sure whether it is a 'feminine' trait, or simply one of parenting, loving, protecting young and/or vulnerable ones? I don't think its a necessity to bear the child yourself, but perhaps that is part of the risk?danger?immediate change in perception about the world and its effect upon a large and small all-at-once innerdimension... (boy, i am thinking in type. hope you can make sense of it..)
 I had no idea,certainly,  and I am still in the midst of grappling with the new elements within, even six years into the game.
I do remember with the first pregnancy, being afraid for the first time, really.  Understanding the vulnerability in the job I was undertaking... and feeling the pressure of the responsibility, the unvarying weight of its permanency.  None of that has really gone away, it just seems a part of my skin now and I can live with it without crying out resentment at all hours.  (although still, sometimes.) I guess I am wondering where it goes from here, if I decide that I am done with pregnancies, what will I do with this motherforce? How does it work in the world?  I believe there to be too much for two boys alone, and the pets, they are a-dwindling...
 Do we deepen and deepen forever and ever? Do we step out of our personal and grab this damn country by the balls and shake sense into it? share the responsibility for life with each other, deepen our knowledge of each other as well?

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

My dog died...(and then some)

I couldn't think of any other post title, really. I didn't try very hard either but there it is.  Roxanne the Beagle has died.  She was mine for awhile before I met HubsJ but for the past 10 years she has been ours. a lovey beast, trained initially as a service dog to help me with living solo, she sort of devolved into a really smart but resigned to family life type girl.
see any story in that?
no. me neither.
the dying thing was pretty harsh, a rough end to a long slow sickness.
I'm sad.
Happy that the dying is done, but sad, missing my dog.

this is the edit: I don't rejoice over anyone's death. I am slightly, not really slightly, chagrined that the only thing Americans can rejoice over as a group is the death of a crazy person.  Are all humans as violent and aggressive? Do Obama's poll numbers go up? What is it that we care about as a group?  Do we need to get everyone a dog when they are little? teach compassion and softness instead of anti-bully stuff which doesn't really seem to be much of anything... lets get pro. less anti. get a dog.