Friday, October 28, 2016


I don't know what I'm doing, but VERY WELL... 

Thursday, October 27, 2016

Straight talk. From a businessperson. (Nyuck nyuck)

I'm taking this business course right now, and of course, i don't actually have a business. So there's your focus for today, right there.

What i've been learning from it though, is how to approach my life as though it were a business. If i were running an economy, there would be no 'aspect' which i would let lie fallow for long.  And if i wanted 'success' i would need to look at all the parts, and be sure things were all aligned, right?

So the business is me.

Are my parts moving towards alignment? No dirty entanglements with the past mob bosses? No bodies in the basement?
And i've got the space right now to look around and figure out how i am going to support myself and my kids in a way that is something i can sustain, that i can be proud of, and that will fit into the larger business of raising these kids and growing myself in the process.

So, a lot.  And ..

If i approach my current space as a laying fallow, whilst prepping for the next planting, the winter's work of the farmer, the dreaming, the thinking...

It is a making of lists, in which two of the daily items always start with 'think about'...

Moving into financial certainty, getting my ducks in a line. I may be shooting them, maybe painting them ... can't tell yet.

It is accomplishment of more 'firsts' in the whole divorce thing, meeting the girlfriend, dealing with the shock and further realizations about how little i probably ever knew about j.  Rewriting the story, and burning it out in new colors, that suit.

And how different my reaction was to what i expected.  Turns out, i am a fucking rockstar.
The laughter and faith are rising in me, so high... it is thrilling.

The dog ate my brie yesterday though, and that, coupled with a couple days of forgetting my antidepressants and hearing peter gabriel in the grocery store, have upset my rockstar solidity a little, so i am back to the fertility of the moon and shine and minute to minute strength gathering.

And i am making friends, dreamy-like, slow and real and trustworthy...and i'm so gladdened by the loss of that social paralysis that happens when you are keeping too many secrets to be able to talk to people.  Its such a relief, and i hadn't ever recognized the depth to which i'd been doing it .  Poor girl.

A lot.

Monday, October 17, 2016


I'm having a hard time with the writing these days, here, because i have to continue to be vague, and its just a real stymie to style.  I spent all those days in the past talking about 'ruts' and walnut hearts and all the sorts of pains i was feeling that were unnameable in order to protect j and to mask my own unhappiness with him, although at the time I thought it was more general than that.  I don't think I realize the depth of my unhappiness until he chose another.  It unmasked a lot of the delusions i had been living with... including many ideas of marriage and vow and faith and even love; what understandings i had of those things were all jumbled up in assumptions that were not real. So.

And now i'm not that interested in protecting j, and i was asked to protect his reputation and so many of the things i want to write about involve facts that i shouldn't share.

So what to do?

Really. Tell me.

One of my kids might be a conduit to the gods. Just so you know.  The things he says to me in his moments of clarity between the moments of goof and hilarity are so strong, and so pointed and so challenging, it is really amazing. Amazing.

I do wonder about the magic in that... which is not to say that is is easy. He's asking me to move on in ways that I am not quite sure I am ready to do, but which I know are in my future.

I got some kickass shoes. They are my harken back shoes... like Hollah back, but I was an English Major in school and it spurts out in weird ways like this...

I'm figuring out how to dress again, how to mother, how to be the person in the world that i have become.  I know it should be easy, but i think this is not my way in the world these days, it has to be considered, thoughtful. All of it.
 I feel that my last decade was full of things i didn't have a choice about, and i went on a track that felt so out-of-control, and i was just along for the ride, found it thrilling and nauseating but/and now i am much more conscious, and yes, my shoes are a reflection of how flat and close to the earth I would like to be... and color-full.. COLOR FULL!!!!

I may finally have to give up the notion that i will wear heels commonly, like chelsea handler, and i think i'll be pretty okay with that.  But i'll meditate on it some more ... :)

Tuesday, October 4, 2016


i've made myself a necklace, and i've put up two more strands of sparkle lights, i've replaced the burned out bulbs on the porch strand and the house is aglow in ways it has not been since we moved in. And it is good.  And while i recognize the power of batteries in my life.  AHOOOOOO... jokes abound.  Now i'm going to roll around laughing, and fondly reminiscing ...
So anyhow, batteries. So, they are good. But for all things not battery powered, the sparkle in a gem, a rock, a crystal, a bead, a woman.. you need light.
In order for a sparkle to appear, you need a shaft of light.  Doesn't have to be much, but does need to be direct.

So there is that.