Sunday, December 28, 2008

alone alone alone

My husband took the kids down to his parents house to catch some football and cousin-playtime. I've had a full four hours plus some to be on my own. Of course I had moments of overly obsessive planning about what to do with my time: laundry, shop for post-christmas decoration bargains, laundry, clean the sink/toilet/table/toys/whathaveyou... and i ended up doing a little bit of this and that and no laundry thus far and even browsed the internet for support groups. how bout that? took some trash out. these are the details of my days, i tell you. It has been so long since I have had a regular time to myself that when I get it , I both implode and explode into a vacuum. - and don't vacuum.
My skin can literally crawl with the tension of the time I am wasting because I am typing instead of doing the things on the list, using this time when everything is easier because I'm not fighting through two children to do the listed things. The complexity of the feeling does not necessarily come across well in type. Forcing oneself to be lazy doesn't mean that there is anyone else who is going to wash the dishes. But enjoying a stupid movie with a soda and a messy sandwich is valuable just for itself- and yet never seems to make anyone's list.
huh. I'm off to bore myself some more, somewhere else.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Christmas has finally settled in

Twas the night before Christmas eve and all through the house, vomit was flowing and it was not nice. There as explosive diarhea and more to be seen, from kids and their mother, a once great queen. Daddy was sleeping it off once again, at least until mummy done hit the freakin' fan. We all made it through, minds and marriage intact.

I'm not sure that rhyming is really what i am best suited for, so i am stopping. We did all get terribly, grotesquely sick and we are all better now. And presents with a three year old is a real REAL trip, though by the end of the day I could have tossed him out with the trash. (understandable behavior, but my god, terror of mine, that child) Christmas morning was reallyreally fun to watch and conversations about how Santa came in from the chimney and how C. had seen him but he'd had a green jacket on, not red.... stuff I'll talk about when I'm older and more sentimental. but not now anymore. . .
hope everyone else had a good time. off for more recuperative sleeping. . .

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Chakra lady and chatter

I made an appt to go see Chakra Carol again, mostly at my sisters insistence that she go WITH me... I like Carol and feel she's an actual force to be reckoned with. But- I've gotten pretty far off the track of investigating whats going on with me lately. Between my overly-self-indulging husband and my kids and the work of the holidays- the fears of weaning, exploding with fat and bloat when I do, and all that time passing, I am in a sorry state of disrepair. I made great strides earlier in the fall, with self-care and cooking for the first time (big meals, healthy meals, kid-friendly big healthy meals! ) I used up all the squashes we were given, several different ways and with tasty, surprisingly tasty results. I figured it was all my sacral chakra getting all aligned to enable me to take care of myself, be better to myself. ALL of which I have to do just to get everybody fed without including McDonald's in my planning. (which is a goddamned bloody shame, quarter pounders are a great pleasure for me. too bad they slowly fatten my kids and slowly kill the world)
SO- what to do, how to prepare for this meeting, wherein I honestly can say that I am in the middle of nowhere? Like an addict off the wagon, depressing beyond belief to look up through the spokes. Its a lot of work to get up and then its a bumpy ride and your tailbone is constantly cracking.
I don't feel like I've got a lot of support. My sister is very good, really, but I mostly feel like the people around me are consumed by their own things, and are full of talk when it comes to giving me a hand. I am not looking for a lot of help, but if there is an offer made, it should be bonified. Its like making a new friend and not being sure that everything is on the up and up- how far does this newfound thing go? What level of intimacy are we shooting for? Is this a new real friend/girlfriend or just another mommy we know from school? A temporary chatter? I feel like there's a lot of chatter happening to me now, and I am filtering all my friendships through an expectation for chatter that may in fact make me responsible. ? . Maybe I"m too comfortable with the moralizing, judging stance. whatever. seriously, WHATever. blame me, make me responsible for chatter - this is the self-indulging wahwah of the stay at home mom. I must be responsible for EVerything. Look, the kid just tied his shoes. I rock. Look, he just punched his brother in the head, I suck. Look, he can walk, I am good. Look, etc...
so sucks the life - today anyhow.
what the hell do i tell carol?

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Frakkin cold

ITs the wet damp chill that I can 't get past. Got a new quilt at salvation army this morning that I've got my two sleepers beneath right now. Some crazy head made a straightup patchwork quilt and stuffed each individual square separately and then sewed each 'beanbag' together . crazy. but its super heavy and the fabrics are great. I am sort of in-love with it. Fine. I'm hoping it'll keep the drafts off the boys.
Its an amazing thing, today when I picked up the older from school, the teacher warned that he'd been whiny and had a hard time at school- not a usual day... because of the criticism and the most-likely impending sickness, I am flooded with patience and certitude. wtf?! but whatever. There is an ease to sickness in the house that is wonderful. All duties and obligations are put down, I don't wash the dishes or do laundry but watch and wait on the sickness itself. Its tiring, yes, but it is nice to have a break from all the 'everything else' that there always is. follow?

Monday, December 15, 2008

Birthday Surprise

My youngest is a year old today and its been nice to slowly process , or re-process that birth. As opposed to the first child, his birth was as slow and peaceful as he is now. Peace includes within it of course, four hours of mind-numbing, excruciating labor. Nobody says Peace is boring. do they?
I've had him sleeping in bed with us this whole year and I have to say that I really like it. Its been so much easier to feed him and to try and glean more good minutes of sleep over the course of the year. The 'marital bed' has suffered a bit, but not more than would have been caused by the lack of sleep that happens the first year anyhow. I think it is surprising the way that I've ended up raising the boys these first years. I'm more alternative than I knew, I guess. Or the world is more conservative than I knew... I have a 'family bed', I'm still nursing on demand and I carry the kid everywhere I go... We don't vaccinate, or at least not on AMA schedule and we treat with very little medications... I cloth-diapered when I had laundry machines in my house, exclusively for the first six months of second child's life... Who knew I'd be a renegade? heh. I am certainly glad this year is ending, there has been a lot of upheaval in my family and in my own internal space.. and I don't want to repeat those events or even talk about them today. But my son is a real joy, and I'm glad that I had the second child and second birth, to finally come into my own as loving mother . It definitely has taken me longer than most, or at least more than many. . . but here I am.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Hiding from children

yes. i am. hiding. they are asleep, which means my time is limited and the sleep is a useful but dangerous tool. It is a naptime sleep, probably means that the night is shot all to hell. Too much sleep is evidently evil, as I have been shown by my three year old lately. So is 'not enough'.

We watched Star Wars for the first time with him last night. WHat a riot! I think he bounced for the entire duration, so excited to see fighting, bounty hunters, the guy with the black helmet, and LUKE. who knew a young boy would love LUKE?! why , when clearly Han is the man? or Chewbacca?! the wookie-man... really?! but- love of the story aside, he developed a fear of the dark at about 3 :30 this morning and I attribut it to Lucas films. Do you think i could sue? rah.

There is no amount of money worth the sleep I have lost. .. . . . none.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

cattail twitch

seriously, guaging one's emotional life by the tail of a cat is problematic at best. But if you believe that everyone shares their vibes, then why is it not possible that the cat picks up my pique and vice versa? makes us all more responsible for the crazy roadrage drivers out there.
today was another shopping day (i should probably look into this compulsion, but am choosing to put it off) and i'm more and more shocked by the struggle that the retail empire must be going through... fifty percent off coats, sixty percent off scarves, etc. AND then I feel more and more shocked by the PROFIT!! they must have been making, as of say, three months ago when i needed that winter coat ...
and then i think again, okay, well, maybe all of the big corporations are led by the men who get million dollar bonuses and that reality for them, is slightly different than for me. they, along with the oil magnates, must truly believe that we Americans are incredibly stupid. We'll take it in the gut and take it in the gut again and again, and then when we are on our knees, they'll give us a sale coupon, lower the prices, amaze us with their generosity and gasoline below two dollars. And so- up we go, taking on those fabulous sale prices with a smile... do they 'they' really think we won't hold a grudge? capitalism was meant to ensure us fair prices for our goods, competition meant competition! and the necessity to keep the prices low to entice the consumer. Now? why is all our milk the same price? why are the companies bigger and bigger? why do I have only one choice for my homeheating natural gas?
i say, prices are falling, its a sign of a recession that all of us already knew was here.

let em fall. . .

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

jelly donut days

i used to say that days like this were jelly-donut days. the sort of day where, should there be a pyramid of donuts on the table in the kitchen, you would slowly chip away at that stack from sheer boredom and ennui. Books lying all around, nothing to grab or stir up those inner resources. I confess that I have none on days like this. And with children, it is truly remarkable that they STILL exist. I can take the boys to a playyard, feed them, talk to them, and still feel the most remarkably pervasive boredom. A ringing of boredom bells abounding. say that five times fast-

Monday, December 8, 2008

chakras and the joke within

I haven't figured out a way to talk about them without feeling all goofy and wacked out. I have been seeing a woman who does something akin to reiki and cranial sacral therapy as well as counseling. She's got some mojo, lets say. And I've been seriously checking in on my chakra stuff. Reading, saying affirmations when I get the chance and so on. I'm a kook? Can't really say that I am, but I am very happy to have found a framework upon which to do some self-explorations, I think its helped me not to fly into the rages that my dad does so often. .. which is helpful to me and to my children. . . inexplicable rages which have no relationship to whatever has just happened. like a cork popping has no relationship to the celebration, just to the bottle's pressure. Slow changes but very important ones. Being a stay at home mom is fraught with perils in terms of self. It is easy to go for days and certainly hours without a second thought to one's self. - and i say that is a bad thing. thinking of yourself is not 'being selfish'. a world of difference and I think that many women have some confusion about that. And, as much as I hate to say it, I think men may have a more healthy relationship to themselves for it. Its just maddening how many times I resent him for it, though. He has an ability to let things ride and to not take it personally that children cannot be redirected from their 'badbehavior' that I cannot handle, when it comes to my two boy children. He's lucky but I sure do resent the hell out of him. baby crying, got to go_

Sunday, December 7, 2008

done it again

hubby done messed up the system again, then got mad that I mentioned nightime routines for the three year old. the three year old who , as far as I can tell, never ever sleeps in his own bed anymore. ever. clearly, my routine is not effective, but I sure as hell don't want anyone changing it.

its not totally nuts, but rapidly approaching.

- I was talking with a male married friend and I referred to himself as a boy/man and he pretty much agreed but noticed the referral, if that make sense. And it made me wonder if I'll ever consider someone my age to be an adult. ? As much as we are all parents now, mostly, I am not sure that I am far beyond my post high-school age. I'm different, yes, but while my parents are alive, I suppose I am still the kid. - though my virginity is no longer in question.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

want a piece of me?

last night i lay me down to sleep with a year old baby latched onto my breast, a husband latched on to my breast and a three year old attempting to sleep on my neck. ah, rest. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to handle the day, much less do it with aplomb. Hubby took the three year old off to play squash so I took food over to an expectant mother of twins, holy shit, and took a stroller stroll to some stores. Got two beautiful ornaments, a woodcut of a tree and a red red cardinal. (as part of my incredible debtload, I am throwing caution to the wind...and still shopping... ) The cardinal is my 'bluebird' and I see it as proof that there is a higher power. There is simply no biological reason why a bird should be crimson, except to remind us that God can do whatever he wants. Everywhere we've lived in the past ten years except nyc has given us a pair of cardinals, and I am incredibly happy for it. We live now in a small urban milltown outside of Providence, and are very surprised by the birds we still can find. And the cardinals hang out by my window.

I'm getting to a point where I"m supposed to be thinking about weaning my younger boy. I can't tell you how I dread the transition. I don't have the older one's experience to fall back on as he weaned himself at nine months. This second baby is a true mama's boy, and it is so easy SO EASY to feed him this way. And if I wean him, do I have to let him sleep in the crib? He sleeps with us now and I love it and miss his simple warmth when he's not there. And there is also the recurring question of the distance he puts between my husband and I . Do I want it there or not?

Friday, December 5, 2008

it seems that with the constant interruption of children and life's 'duties' that posting will be piecemeal , some days with minutes to spare and others with none. how to redefine an expression of personality? I've checked into my chakras, relaxed, reset my chakric flows, worked on some sacral chants and all for the better. although what you see when you look is a beleagured housewife who has begun to cook things other than spaghetti and chicken nuggets. and i got my husband a cat. not necessarily a fantastic change. trying so fucking hard to expand my daily. and what of the wifely ? i'm not at all sure that such an aspect exists. and i certainly don't know how to address it if it does. which chakra is that? love? how can it be love when it is so inextricable from duty? clearly, i am not a fount of wifely love these days. thinking much more about how to get through each day than how to provide love for another adult. wishing very very regularly for some compassion to receive and give and grow more full in. . .

If I spent time on what my first post would be, thought-wise, I would not do anything. Like so many aspects of my life, it would simply get put on hold indefinitely. I'm a wife and a mother, and what else may be or may have been, is all on hold. I clean, I bathe children, I wash dishes, and I wait and work around other adults as they pass through the space I live in. IT is enough. and yet not nearly.