Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Alternative planet.

today i am going to make a list of what bugs me, what i 'cannot stand!'  in hope that it can alleviate some of my feelings of aggreivement, if such a thing is a word.  i think it may be simply misspelled, but it may be that i've made it up entirely. so be it. this is the utter opposite of a gratitude list.  dark side, i float on you.

1. raw chicken.  top of the list. horrorshow. flop flop, smear.

2. the way my hand scrabbles for the switch on the bedside lamp, every time... like a panic claw.

3. not recycling . . . hello schools, it matters. hello?

4. feeling so overwhelmed by the issues that plague me that i spend the entire afternoon staring at another issue that plagues me,  screen addiction/there's-nothing-better-to-do illusions...

5. waiting for the garden to be warm enough to plant stuff in.  i might not make it two more weeks.  i'm irrationally mad about it. the option is to plant things knowing that they will freeze and die.  how's them apples?

6. i can't go to the big Town Meeting this Saturday because I am going with my mother to a Funeral Memorial Service of a woman I really liked, who died suddenly right after my dad.. GAAAAAH. 
I am missing my chance to be truly 'famous' in this town in order to focus on what matters in life and death and sorrow, and my heart is hardening further, 'to the pain' ... Princess Bride quotes might help me here... I'll see if I can come up with more.

7. so much beer is shit.  I hate that.  Why can't it be better?

8. I'm sure there is more but I'm going to leave it at that.  because thats how i roll. 
9.  i can't plan my writing, that drives me bonkers.  imagine what i could do with the occasional edit? Imagine?!!

Monday, April 28, 2014

washer woman

i'm washing clothes and dishes today.  I'm just sort of dithering right now.  boys have gone over to the one neighbor we have's house and I can't see them and don't know what they are doing and the babe is asleep so i am landlocked. dinner's parts are put into order, but no assembly has been done.  i am at a loss, thought about browsing amazon which may possibly mean the universe is dissolving right this very second.  browse the largest online shopping channel?  browse?  my soul and the soul of the world would crumble and perish. 
its been a weird day, waves of despair and futility passing through, grocery trip made, watched 'cowboys and aliens'... thought i'd like to see more of daniel craig's body, confessed to my husband...

it may be the dampness of the air, but the outside is not for me today.  all internal clockworks are clicking along, but i don't quite know what time is being told.
my mom has been really sad lately.  used the word 'unbearable' today.  that is hard to hear.
spring is hard.  and amazingly ludicrous.  and peel your skin off hard.  i don't want more abrasion right now.  my heart aches.

wish the world had more vocal voices for good in it.   there are so many negatives.  i guess they are easier to produce. 
go forth, go forth.
spread some good words. 

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Constant adjustment

I found Easter really hard, which was a humdinger.  Something about it took me off guard, which is astonishing, in and of itself.  How could my guard be down? its a holiday, one that made my dad giddy... how could i be surprised to find it so difficult?  I wept .   when you weep an awful lot, it is called something a whole lot less romantic than 'wept' but I choose to see myself in a dusty shift, looking out into a western sunset, with 'wept' rather than 'ugly sob' in my mind's eye.
I think my mom, sister and brother were having an equally difficult time.  There was much gladness at the kids, and not enough of my dad. not enough. we are bereft.

man, it sucks a whole lot.

We got in a load of loam yesterday.   People here say 'loom' and it makes me want to punch someone.
I spent all my minutes when H forgot me yesterday, moving wheelbarrows full of loam back to the garden box.  2.5 cubic yards. a small amount but holy smokes.The driveway is still unusable, but the box is half-full, and I'm not even crippled by the physical activity yet. 

Last night was C's first official baseball game of the season and we are on watch for HubJ's stress levels.  C did not care a whit about hits/strikeouts blahblah because the team won.  So we go from there. The E will have his first game on Saturday, and he was asking many questions about how things go.  He is still uncertain what to do once he gets to first base.  HubJ may have to do some serious walking meditation.   His love for the game and the boys and for their self-satisfaction levels is what is behind this all, but it is going to be a process for him, to access the lighter side during these games. 

After the game, C says to me, 'mom, i'm not trying to be mean, but i don't know any other people who are so excited about dirt'. 
bahah. wait til he eats one of my tomatoes.

today we go out for breakfast in a wild freeforall of children and school vacation expenditure.  the dirt has arrived!! let them eat eggs!!! (or cocoa krispies, whathaveyou)

next week i'm hunting down my tomato plants/basil.... i can't really really plant most of my stuff til may here, and i am chomping at the bit, loaming at the mouth....
seriously, not a typeo.

love to you, and may you have lots of dirt wherever you are.


Wednesday, April 16, 2014

fluster, now. and hope, despite myself.

it is spring. it snowed last night, it is cold outside, the wind calls for a coat, even.  . . but i did my morning walk around the yard and everything is still alive, like it always is.  honestly, spring is what keeps me alive, its the internal fester and boil of the soul, come to rest and progress and growth . 
how amazing the world is.
how amazing.

ah. i'm still hiding, dealing with my own resistances and disbeliefs and so on and so forth.  but i remember now the balm of walking outside, grubbing hands in the dirt, scratches from the brambles.  and thats all so damn good.

i lay in the boys bed with my husband last night, the middle, 6 year old boy, rolled over us, making us a flattened love pancake 'so it would stay forever'.  my 8 was on the floor reading and the girlie was wandering to and fro.  it was one of those times when you know it would be allright if you left right then, that everything would be okay... and blissful, it was blissful.  ( i don't mean the morbidity, but just to suggest that giving them and me that one memory, makes everything allright, its all good. )

i moved around our indoor plants, window changing, light allowing... watching the seedlings like a hawk circling my chickens...

my hands are dry, cracked, all my nails are different lengths, and most are a bit dirty. i am wrinkly.  my son told me the top of my head was white.  i can't figure out how to look up there and see for myself.  it may be time to get my hair cut. 

a woman i like invited our whole family for dinner. i'm afraid she has made a mistake. it would be nice to be wrong.

agh. its cold out. i might go open a window, i might turn on the pellet stove.  i can't decide.  there is a ball game tonight,  might be perfect.


Monday, April 14, 2014


i did submit a letter to an editor.  the town firechief saw it and tweeted it.  ( i use the term but don't exactly understand its ramifications, okay? so if i do something wrong with it, just give me a break. ) So someone stopped HubsJ at the ball practice to ask if his wife was Kate and to tell him they liked the letter, because they got the tweet. so, i'm famous. just wanted you to know.  it was a good letter. . . but today, i spent the day indoors on a blustery day because i've realized that all the first responders in the town who were here the day my dad had his heart attack know me.  i knew one of them, andy, because his kid was in my kid's class in preschool.  but there were so many people here... and i can't remember any faces... don't know any names... and now i want to throw up.
there isn't anything wrong with the relationship between first responders and the people they witness, it is a real one, an intimacy that doesn't go away i think.   but i'm just hanging out at home today, and when the paper comes out and all the people who don't twit/tweet/twat get to read it, i'll stay home that day too... except for baseball practice, when i'll force everyone not on a team to stay in the car.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

To the Voters who Always Vote No.

To the Voters in my Town Who Always Vote NO,

Hi.  I live in the Northernmost tip of this town, on the most beautiful street I have ever lived on, less than a minute from the town nextdoor.  I'm a newbie here, but I grew up one town over, in the North as well.  My kids go to school here, and will through high school because my mom and my mother-in-law were both teachers and I was raised with a great deal of respect for  the labor of love that was their work.   This town here, that I love, even as a newcomer, is falling to pieces.  Locally, people sigh and grimace when they talk about town politics.  Parents and confused newcomers like myself do not understand.  I've heard it blamed on the elderly, on fixed incomes.  Is that true?
Maybe we don't know what happened ten years ago? Maybe it doesn't seem relevant to us? Maybe.  Maybe I'd just like my kid to be able to learn Spanish or Portuguese in Middle School like I did.  (I took French.  not that useful to me, but thats in the past now... I think I had dreams of Paris in my little 12 year-old head)

We've now had two opportunities to vote for overrides since I've been here, maybe three. Each time? No.  The teachers are pleading, the selectmen are pleading, superintendents are telling you you're getting a substandard education, highway supervisors are begging for equipment, but still ?  No.  We're talking about less than 200 bucks over the course of the year, for most people.  less than a dollar a day.

What is going on here? Is this some new townwide 'philosophy of No' that I haven't caught on to? Angry pennypinchers? I read through all the comments on that big MasterPlan Survey that went out last year and so many people were worried sincerely that the Town was going to change.   Well, it is changing, certainly.  It is a laughingstock.  Its schools are becoming subpar.  Most who can afford it send their kids to the surrounding Catholic High Schools.  Saying No does not prevent change.  In our case, voting No is bringing the change in faster.  Great, our taxes are really low.  You get what you pay for, right?  Maybe the town will just disband.  That's cheapest, right?  All of the neighboring towns are bigger and more successful at governing themselves than we are, so lets do it.  Just give up.  Shout out the NO!  Lets make sure we do it in the name of debt reduction, otherwise people might think we don't love our town, that voting No is more satisfying than a healthy Town Hall, strong Fire and Police Departments, working plows.  (all of which serve the WHOLE town, stem to stern) ...

GAH!!!! -  should i fix it up, send it to a paper?! GAHHHHHHH.... my town, my town, what are you doing? ....

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Stuff I keep wanting to make into facebook statuses, but feel too awkward...

*i'm a yo-yo type evidently, or a pendulum swinger... of the non-libidinous sort... i go back and forth, swing up and down, all around... about bigs and littles, all the time. i love you, i hate you, and then there is all that time in between, when i just don't care.

*stripper shoes are stripper shoes. don't kid yourself.  kim kardashian is a stripper. stop it. it doesn't matter how much 'fun' you think the shoes are... you look like a stripper.  if thats okay, then fine. just own it.

* dark nights of the soul are no damn fun.

*all you negative people are stupid.

* i just hate reality tv. (unless it is clothing related...) why are all the plastic surgeons making everyone look bloated ?  i mean, this is now A LOT of people.. is this a standard of beauty? fishlips?

*moderation is my middle name, and lately i have seen what a loss it has been.

*i have nothing against strippers.

*it seems like the world is seeing a winnowing, and that freaks me out.  so very much.

*conspiracy theorists are really delusional.  right?

*phone etiquette has been completely lost.  i mean you, you and you.

*why does what makes sense to me seem so aggressive and repressive and crazy to others? choice in vaccination? choice in medicine? education which is a class-equalizer? freedom of speech? government which is for and of and by the people and not for and of and by a company?

*i'm incredibly lazy.  i feel it.  you should know it.