Thursday, December 29, 2011

hummy tummy...

I'm looking to clean house. in so many many ways. 
In a body-begun purge, I see the makings of redemption.  The bloat of the aftermath of Christmas is here, and nothing fits. nothing.
Today I've cracked the journal, done yoga and meditated and so I call it a clear win. for everyone, although until the house is emptied of the sweettreats that arrived over the past week, we are still in dire straights. 
If anyone had asked me last week if I was pregnant, I would have coyly answered that I just didn't know... this week? I know that I am not. ... and I acknowledge that I have gained a tremendous amount of weight and have the plates and plates of cookies and breads and so ons that have crossed our threshold. 'tremendous' being my word, and not yours, although the belly I am sporting could have been mistaken for one of early pregnancy, thats all I'm saying.   I am not going to diet, I am going to eat my way to the end of the day and start again in the morning... and perhaps I will  make it a more important part of my week to plan food options again.... to eradicate this overly snack oriented cabinet I've got going on.  (double entendre there, did you catch it? cabinet? junk? trunk? oh.)
There is a time for all things, and the time has arrived for vegetables. truckloads of them. 
bring it on.


Saturday, December 24, 2011

Merry HOHO!

Ruhroh. Jesus and his mom are lying down on the job. and two of the Three Kings are here... what to do? what to do?  who's playing host? Joseph recently lost his hand and is also out of commision.  Mary deserves a break, and Jesus is just a babe.  Think the Kings will step up and vacuum the house? or make some soup? hm.  Lets wait and see...

until then, we share our love with the world today and tomorrow and all the days after that...
Light the Way!!!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Sparkle Sparkle Cucough...

We will very shortly all be down for the count with a large, movable and yet, brooding cough.  Someone will pee their pants while coughing.  The 6 will miss his classroom christmas party and hubsJ will infect everyone he sees at work. Funny how sick people don't let their docs get sick.  such an interesting redundancy... well, he's Already sick... mah.   I have stopped talking for the most part and am hoping the massive honey dosing that I am doing will help me carry the boat through the water this week.  We had a pipe burst yesterday and I used up all my energy running around figuring that one out.  All fine. staining, sure, but fine and fixed. I love plumbers and people like them who know what the hell they are doing and do not run around turning off every machine in the basement because this girl didn't know which one was the water... (to be fair to myself, i know the boiler is the boiler. but does it send out water too? huh. when in doubt shut it off.)
And isn't that the way it is usually? All sparkles and light mixed up with the dark.  How could you see them otherwise?  Wasn't a baby born in a donkeystall? How delightful to see something so clean in that muck. 
Went on a large grocery shop this morning, and during this season of sick.. I always feel like I am shopping to survive armageddon.... jars upon jars of spaghetti sauce and its pasta.  Snacks. tons.  a pot roast. chicken nuggets.  Decorations for cookies, cocoa, more pasta and some orange juice for those without sore throats. . . more pasta.
we are ready. someone ask Santa for a blizzard once hubsJ gets home, allright?

see you soon.

Monday, December 19, 2011

No one is home.

I did not plan this..

This was a busy weekend, full of an arrival, a birthday, a party, a party, another party, a few fish tacos, some sickness un-related to the tacos which were incredible if spicy, in-laws of all varieties, cancellations, and a few showings of 'Rudolph'.  I'm so tired, I could cry. in fact, i probably will.
The crazy is all upon us.  The 4 year old has a crotchety cold and will watch tv all day.  I think I'm punky because of all the late nights in a row but there is also this desire to get my family in line somehow, to be conscious of our quiet times and to cultivate the feeling of a snowed-in time.  Celebrating the darkness that is me, that is here, makes the lights that much brighter. 
Someone else in my hubsJ's family referred to me as a wallflower this weekend. that would be rather coincidental if it didn't match my feeling of being overwhelmed by the confluence of controlling voices.  . . . have I ever mentioned that I am quiet?  heh.  I do speak my mind, when called to, but sometimes can feel backed into a corner by my sometimes contrary desire. 
AH, the joys of the season. 
I'm hunting them down as I hide by the computer.  :) 
It'll all be fine.  just wait and see.  it always is.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Wallflower. Flower of the Wall.

My sister-in-law told me casually that I was a wallflower, after having gotten off a daylong planeride with her four year old. . .across country and jetlag included?  I am granting her some leeway for the exhaustion she must be feeling.
Chakra Carol says the only time people can really hurt us with their words is when we believe what they say might be true.
HubsJ says I am not a wallflower, I am quiet.  There certainly is a large difference.  Discount me at your peril, I say.
I don't think I am a wallflower, really.  I don't. It niggles at me, though. So what is in there?  Sis-in-laws own power struggles?  My own feelings of isolation/solitude/hibernation?  I have loved moving to this town.  In some ways, I have a much wider support net than ever before, because of proximity to family and old old friends who would simply drop their own children in the road if I was in dire need.  In some other ways, I am a newcomer... and my quietness (shyness, slow to warm-ness?) can put me in a loophole of social interaction.  My kids aren't really having playdates, I don't really know my kids peers or their moms yet.  I know this will come, I just don't know when or if it will really be the 2-3 years everyone says it will.  In the meantime,  I wonder how to be a flower of the wall. . .

and i have this wierd feeling that I've written this whole post at an earlier date... huh... common themes? just in time for a new year? hmmm... :)

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

hoo.wee. hooey.


hong kong phooey.


I have a child entering the terrible twos and this same child will turn 4 in two days. I guess I'm gobsmacked.  He's creative, intelligent, verbal... spends his days on legos and 'traps' for badguys.  Sleeps well and always has...
and he's a runner..
and a climber, as in, on his father's back during a supposedly 'quiet' Meeting worshiptime. almost kicked over the advent candles. yep. he runs from the adults watching him during firstday school (sunday school), he disappears from the playground at preschool...
and it is not the adults watching him at fault, except that we all should have him on a leash at this point. most likely, somehow, it is me. evidently i just don't know how to break his spirit..- i'm not finding the consequence which is dire enough to make him stop the bolt.  it is a mixture of embarassment and a much larger portion of befuddlement and concern about how the hell to stop him from running into the road, getting lost, or downright broken in his dashes.
in my head, i'm all over my husband for his 'inconsistency', too much 'roughhousing', not enough 'parenting'... but i bet that would be there regardless of what the behavior was, or really, what was going on .  i think that in hubsJ's case, its his gender getting in the way....
whatever.  i love hubsJ but don't like many characteristics of the Man in America and find I bump into that sometimes in my very own house. so there it is.

*Just wanted to add some visual stimulation to the humdrum of the post... The photo is of the very last Grammie quilt to be made by your truly, not my colors or anything, and even too formally blocked but hers, found in her things unfinished, my aunt recognized one of the fabrics as a shirt she once wore... so I will be making a throw quilt of Grammie.... ah.  Just have to iron one more time and the top is done.  Six weeks from now I'll be moving on to that... :) ah, Christmas... the season of waiting and preparing is really knocking me down this time... so be it. (like i have any choice.)
rock it.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

I'm here, I am .

I feel loose and lost all at once. Fine, no big thing, just a swing of the mood, an exhaustion flitting about the room.
Maybe its the lull in the waiting season, the atrocious behaviour of the boys... who is responsible for this?
so ugly, that one.

oh so ugly, that one.

mothers do the best number on themselves EVER.  and I am champion of numbers. champion.
I am trying to throw it off but am currently in wallow and cry mode. Throwing is harder than carrying, sometimes, I have heard.

so I am here.  still. 

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

My Town pays its debts...

My town also gets new debt. but it pays its bills and I am glad the choices are made as they are.  Went to my first ever town meeting last night, and this skinflint town was feeling very generous, and money was awarded to everyone who asked for it. Give the man his new plows!  Give the Superintendent of Schools the money to pay his pcb removal bills! Give the Veterans their surprisingly (just because there are now so many more than years past..) large expense account!  Give the beach committee the money for a compostable toilet!  WEEHAW!! I loved it.  LET YOUR YEAS BE YEAS AND YOUR NAYS BE NAYS.  Its a Quaker ideal, let your words speak plainly the desires of your heart.. (which of course is led by the light of Christ.) love me some Quaker-ness.

there is still some democracy after all.  and it is fun to play with money like that. hoowee.

I think that having an extra two nickels to rub together lately is some sort of inner tidal change for me.  I am in this weird limbo wherein I think that all people in my position should be throwing money in all directions, not haphazardly but neighborly-like, so that the burden of the rest should be eased.  thats what i think. and i'm not saying that to people who do not have the extra nickels, just those who do. the burden of the rest should be eased. call me nurse expenditure. (if that rolls off your tongue, you let me know.)

I'm not sure why the millionaire politicians are not in my boat, but they clearly aren't on my ocean of gratitude and responsibility. I'm not sure its worth any time to point this out to them.  Make your donations count. Give to your food bank, give to your senior center, give to your church/synogogue/temple/unitarian things. GIVE.
you'll be amazed by what you'll receive.

merry christmas! happy baby birthings! happy baby growings! happy waiting! HAPPY!

(no, i'm not pregnant. just full.)

Monday, December 5, 2011

I got throw-up on my barefeet this morning.
Just wanted you to know.
Pleasant surprise, no, but a pleasant day while the mopey watches tv and I clean up after what seems to have been a very long couple of weeks.  I'm seriously considering cancelling the cable again, I cannot get over how much commercialism and grotesquery there is on the tube.  Don't tell hubsj, he may have to go somewhere else for sports.  Even Pbs is hocking mcdonalds. . . and while i miss me some big mac action, i won't buy their food anymore unless there is literally no other 'food' for miles.  I read FastFoodNation and now I can't pretend I haven't. Its over.
It isn't that hard to simplify, to get things done. Its just a matter of starting, and sometimes that is the asskicker, and yes, that pisses me off. but not deeply, just makes me yell at myself too much. I prefer the yelling to the sniping anyday.
and here I am, not simplifying, not getting things done.  here I am, again.
yell yell yell.