Thursday, March 31, 2011

Dude, I talk to Jesus.

what used to be something slightly 'off-color' cussing has become an actual dialogue...
Jesus, help me out here. (kids)
Jesus, what the hell do you want me to do here? (facing the kitchen after a muddy spring day with sticks, sticks!)
Jesus! (husband!)
I'm working hard on surrendering my worries and my fears and all my future thinking into the hands of this guy.  very hard work, lots of pinches and reminders all the time.  Things are looking good and I am still pretty freaked out all the time. This is probably because I am who I am, and one of those elements is a Cancer, a homebody.  I am a homebody without a sure-fired home, as of June 1st.
Yes, oh I am so wise in my damn writing, I remember...   there will be a roof over my life.
I like that sentence a lot.  and, ehem, if one could remember those cool words at all times, it would be very fantastic... almost like a faith-based chant to provide succor and calm in a storm.
Yes, I am crazed with delerium that I have such cool renters coming. what a fabulous bonus gift/blessing!
so the crazed and the calm meet once again. crash! bang! shhh! 
I am making a quilt for a fundraising auction and can work on it for about 10 minutes at a time between checking emails from realtors, and just generally pacing while thinking about packing boxes, where to get them, how much they are, how many i should buy...
a paragon of efficiency, yes, i am .
and dude, talking to jesus out loud in the kitchen is part of it all, all this shake-up, this motion... this movement ...
where will all of this end up? JESUS, Tell me!
JESUS, make somebody tell me. or- teach me patience and faith again.  and again, and again.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Ducks in a row

We're moving. well, we're leaving, that much is true. There are tenants coming into this house June 1st. which happens to be a wednesday... but whatever. They will be amazing, they will paint, they will garden, they will tend.  I am happy for them to have this house, and I am happy for me that they will be here for two years and the house will be warm and will help grow a new family.  happy.
we don't officially have a place to go.  my mom has opened her house to us, but there isn't one of our own, big 5 will have to be carted half hour to school each morning and ASK me if I think this will help his behaviour. go ahead.
BUT, the bank has given us a go-ahead to buy a house, even without selling this peach. so- that is AMAZING. amazing.
AND, we have an adjustable rate mortgage on this peach that begins its first adjustment this may. and it adjusted DOWN. what the hay, you say? me too. four hundred dollars down per month.  There is some secret conspiracy towards joy going on over here, and i'm the last to catch on... sheesh. happy to be on the train at last.
There is a house we love but the man owning it does not really seem to want to let us have it. and that is okay, maybe pointing us in the direction of the house that IS to be made into something amazing. so, there are these things, there is an obsession with Diego that is keeping the little all busy and occupied and talking about kowatis- what the hell is that?! anyhow.
so we are moving, moving, moving.
what are you doing?

Saturday, March 26, 2011

There is Joy...

sneaking in through the windows, peeking around the corners, hiding under the comforter, there is joy.
Winter branches in a spring sky. Crocuses in snow. Anything in golden yellow. anything.
the phonecall when you need it. when you least expect it. the card. thank yous unbidden from children. ladders leaning. barns, working or waiting. ledgers and neatness containing who-knows-what mysteries. dusty corners. seals. morning sunlight streams. woods, forests. eucalyptus. having the 'runner' turn around as you get close and say, 'mom, that was a good run!!' target. julie andrews. (always) seatbelts. drive through coffee shops. scrambled egg heaps. golly. goober. Fresh, cold water. fresh, cold air with a slight warmth to it.  clean windows. smudged windows. 'dad, dad, you gotta see this...'.
see what i mean?

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Get this Out of YOUR head... if you want to ...

love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

all my instincts, they return

and the grand facade, so soon will burn

without a noise, without my pride

I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes

I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes

I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes
love, I don't like to see so much pain

so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away

I get so tired of working so hard for our survival

I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

and all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes

I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light,
the heat I see in your eyes

in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

You can ring my bell... ell. ell.

I'm apologizing to the multiple people who read and expect to be entertained. multiple of two, i believe, however irrelevantly... I'm sort of out of my body with all the rush rush hurry paper sign rush pull copy wait wait wait. . . and I've surrendered (moment by moment this struggle continues) sometimes to the idea that I can't control much of this process, if any... and it seems so simply a matter of doing tasks and sending them out into the world and waiting and if i were talking to someone else about THEIR lives, it would seem so simple.

make some tea, do the laundry. . . watch the wonder3 take his nap... make some more tea. put some stuff in a box. think about supper. put the box downstairs. sweep the stairs.  look out for the cardinals.  throw that plastic bag in the trash. put the honey away. check the mailbox, the real one. walk past the book stack. take the compost out. decide that the precious strawberries have 'gonepast'. take more compost out. sweep the floor. pick up the dinosaur off the floor. sweep.

Monday, March 21, 2011


We have people coming to look at this house for renting. I cleaned off the counters for one very nice morning and a couple of photos... it was pretty and very short-lived. My goodness, the light... Every weekend is spent looking at houses to rent or to buy. I am tired of houses, my friends.  tired.  The houses are cold, empty, unheated... I am lost in trying to imagine warmth and running children. happy ones, that I don't currently have...
I am so overwhelmed by the details and the papers flying about that I just want to crawl into a hole that I can stay in.  So? when this spring finally decides to declare itself, it maybe that I own a yurt.
or a really nice cave... temporarily.  I do so like the light.

In other news, the five got off to school with only a little fight.  It is snowing here, on my crocuses.  I go to see Chakra Carol next week and I am hoping that somehow I am moving beyond the need to prove my own existence.  BUT i somehow doubt that I am in motion, for all that it is flying by me here. hm.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Freaky Leaky

I'm so freaked out on a regular basis these days.  Between the whole 'rent your house', 'move your house', 'your child either has a brain tumor or a behaviour disorder, you pick', (thats a joke, but it is hell. hell. ), between all these things I have been gorging on sugary things and completely flailing around when it comes to the parenting on purpose game.  Yesterday I fed my three year old a HOHO. I really did.  AND, when I picked up my five year old early from school so that he wouldn't have to go to ART?!, I took him to fast food and was really hoping he'd pass out in a sugar/salt assualt on his internal organs. but no. so we went to the park. talk about rewarding a kid who refused to go to school (like most thursdays... ) so violently... that the only way i could get him out of the house was to promise to pick him up early.
so i did. 
it is my new mothering paradigm, evidently. give 'em what they want... lie down, and give 'em what they want.  I've done this before, and I remember how it turns out.
but I have no idea what to do here, and I am just trying to get to the end of the month- when at least something will be different, i do not know what... but something. . .

the first prospective tenant will arrive tuesday evening... i'm hoping to start a bidding war and cover the expense of the mortgage.... what do you think? should i be aiming to start wars, is this conducive to the greater well-being of us all? what am i, quaddafi of the rental world?
too bad i've lost my sense of humor in this whole deal, quaddafi just isn't fucking funny.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Can't get over it.

We are little, little things. waves, wind, and we are gone. gone.
and if we are not gone? what then?


and that may be all there is, right? 


do with that what you will.


Monday, March 14, 2011

Rental Property

The cutest house on the block is officially for rent today... hmm... I've washed the floors in the bathroom and the kitchen and will shortly put everything back into the rooms they belong, slightly bleached and infinitely cleaner. well, maybe not infinitely. minutely may be more appropriate... on a grey day here, things are sparkling, kid is at school willingly on a Monday,  floors are drying and a constant stream of worry is running under my feet.  Along with the worry river runs a well-fortified stone embankment that says... what're you worrying for? Worry does not move anything, anywhere. God will take care of you, you will breathe, you will eat, you will breathe, you will eat... your life will have a roof over it.
the sun will rise in the morning, perhaps that is really what it says... the sun will rise in the morning.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Truth? Yeah, I think thats yours...

*warning, lots of caps for emphasis to follow...
Somehow or other this keeps popping up for me in the blogworld, but also the actual one.  I'm not sure about the ideas of absolute truths. . . things which are true for ALL... I'm just not sure. . . I DO, for sure, know that lots and lots of people think what they say is true for ALL or SHOULD BE. . . I'm sure that I've been guilty of it in my time, positive. . . but even those things which I think are PROBABLY true are really just true for me, just me.  and maybe, maybe they are true for someone else too, but maybe with a couple of words switched back and forth or a slightly different emphasis. 
The point? I don't really know.  Its Friday, I'm exhausted from all the fever-induced sleepless nights and the wild trip of getting C to see Chakra Carol.  It was something, he was a devil to get out of the house, and a dreamy angel on the table.  He was visibly at peace, sometimes thoughtfilled and sometimes almost weepy, all in quietude and rest. . . He is still tantrumming daily multiple times but seems to have a better access to some vocabulary and they SEEM to be slightly shorter in duration.  This may be because I have more patience for that particular boy's tantrums after watching him at Carol's.  The kid looks so vulnerable, so little.  How can I want to rip his head off so regularly? HOW?!
Mothering/Parenting IS EXHAUSTING.  Is that TRUE?!

The whole 'TRUTH' game seems to hold in it judgement and condescension.  Do you think maybe I'm feeling vulnerable and little too? agh.

Flip flap fiddlefaddle. My brain is mush. I'll see you later, gator.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Giving up Facebook for Lent...

probably not what the church founders    expected...

But, it is good to give something up, and I think it is good to give up something that I expect really isn't that good for me... and while many people think they have to give up something that they love in order to suffer during Lent, I say this:  by giving up something that I don't think is truly in line with my expectations of life and the glory that it contains, I am walking a straighter path, perhaps a more Christlike one, full of the bumps and pitfalls that roads contain.  Lent is not all about suffering, although it is there, certainly.  It is about doubting, hoping, continuing onwards and doubting... hoping, movement.  if ecstasy is about getting out of one's comfort zones, out of the 'stuck in a rut' that one has lived in for all these moments, hours, days... then it is time to go on an ecstasy hunt.  cut the weeds out of the path, bend the branches aside, and move.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Sweaty blessings...

I've always liked fevers. for the hot sweet proof that the body was hard at work attacking a bad guy...
Today I started off the day with both boys in school, a rare treat that I spent in a mad dash to do 450 small but neccessary tasks, picked up the younger after his finish and should have known when I walked in to find him sitting instead of playing. but no, i didn't know... went out for pizza with hubsJ and the babe, and came home to a phone call from the school nurse of the elder with a fever and a headache.
Now I have two fairly limp boys, quiet.  And it is just the wierdest blessing. . . a chance to remember who the older really is, beneath all the changes... that flushed cheek is so like his baby cheek. so like. the younger, his flush? i'm still learning it, as he's been sick so rarely in these three years we've had. 
I'm nervous and on edge, as I watch them and wait for coming projectiles... towels abound, the perfect bowls are perfectly placed... we wait... and watch... and get ready for bed.
and somehow? its a break. a relief. a calm in the storm that I will take and love and hug and wrestle to the ground. . .

Monday, March 7, 2011

Angels in the outfield...

I'm taking C, the psychotic 5, to see Chakra Chakra C this week.  Over the weekend I was literally crying in my bed while he tore the house apart. He screams, talks smack (where he learned that?!), throws, hits, wants to 'hurt'... tries to lift tables off the ground and throw them, etc. etc...  I can't find my sense of humor to be silly with him, and I DO think that works, if I can shock him out of his rage - he has a great appreciation for silly and odd, the cutie- but I've had a hard time accessing the humor because I'm so flipped out about the whole thing.  I waver between thinking its the age of testing boundaries, entering 'kid-hood' and not early childhood and the requisite desires and abilities that fall into the next stage of childhood and the fear/anxieties that come in that transition... so, waver between that feeling and the feeling that something, somewhere is going horribly wrong and I am responsible for finding an answer and all my prayers are not yielding an answer I can handle so far (I will get some kind of answer, but still... I'm only human and I've got no idea as of yet as to what it is. none. )
*Hubs J and I are working together pretty well and both feeling the shell-shock, so that part is good, the sharing I mean...
I'm flipping out. so, off he will go to chakra c's ... then a more mainstream shrink if need be. maybe i'll jsut get him to start smoking pot.  maybe i'll just take him into a church and see if he bursts into flames ...
joking. joking.
sort of.

it'd be nice if i could see angels,  get them into my huddle. I need some help.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Let's talk weather... because that is how exciting I am.

It certainly is cold here.  But the sun makes up for the cold in many ways... the ground is warming ever so slightly... the patches of ice are dwindling and the snowplow piles that towered a week ago are few and far between today... The squirrel gorged himself on my birdfeed this morning and I was bummed, but tried to look on the bright side and got as far as... well, at least the squirrel is well fed.... not as substantial a gratitude as I might have hoped for. . .ha. . . not going to make the list, lets just say.  holding out for the cardinals.

Seriously, its cold. Arent' you glad I foisted my petard (pitard?sp?) upstairs to get into the posting thing? hm?
Everything feels sort of deflated, but . waiting. . . I feel quiet and wish everyone else could just keep it down.
I am waiting and everyone and everything around me is aflame with my waves of wait.  It is not killing me, or them. we're okay.  My 5 is sort of freaky in the behavior world still and today we take a break from friends coming by and from his 30 minutes of gameplay because of his behavior last night. And while I hate to seclude him, I think the bug needs the time off from his social proclivities. and I think that I need to figure out how to lock the computer from him. It is bad for him, and the end has arrived.  I just don't know how to go about it. I imagine figuring it out technically will be a snap.  How to explain it? little less smooth.

oh go on, go read something more jazzy. go on. 

(and dear god, someone else 'follow' me, i have 13 followers and it cannot be allowed to stay that way!)**DONE!!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Pete and Repeat... number 4

I'm so sick of myself. blagh. Seems, if I look back at all, that I keep moving in circles, repeating myself, right down to adoration of a certain Teresa, or allusions to my wild sexual past (present)...blagh.
I've been reading, listening, waiting for the next thing to happen, its leaving me feeling a little bit lost and loose, like the wind we've been having here today... sunny, blustery without the bluster, lifting perhaps.... things are stirred up and unsettled.  I read a post* about being pushed out of a comfort zone in order to find a new ecstasy.... and fell in love with that idea again. 
AGAIN?! holy smokes, why am I so repetitious, why can't I just go ahead and learn something and move forward, as in, a step up a step up, instead of the whirlygig? aye? whut?!
There is so much going on here that is up in the air, and I have been handling my fair share of anxiety about all these things, like where we will live if we actually can rent this place out? my parents have a spare bedroom ( bed for four, like normal, yea?) but living there might push us all off a cliff. I think I am building up my anxieties to prevent myself from taking a leap of faith off a cliff. 
really, i do.  I think it may be called for here.   Just let it go, have faith, real Faith in God that I will be taken care of, because I am one of His. 
aha.  ha.
I'm having a hard time taking myself seriously. with all of this... right down to the reiki.  so full of doubt, judgement, the impossibility of ME being involved with any of it, me?! reiki? christian? holy holy.  o brother.
The temptation to discount my own experiences is pretty fierce, and very old hat to me. very.

I will have a place to live, I will continue to breathe. The sun will continue to rise.

*(   It is wonderfully written but distinctly Christian so give it a go if you feel like it... )