what used to be something slightly 'off-color' cussing has become an actual dialogue...
Jesus, help me out here. (kids)
Jesus, what the hell do you want me to do here? (facing the kitchen after a muddy spring day with sticks, sticks!)
I'm working hard on surrendering my worries and my fears and all my future thinking into the hands of this guy. very hard work, lots of pinches and reminders all the time. Things are looking good and I am still pretty freaked out all the time. This is probably because I am who I am, and one of those elements is a Cancer, a homebody. I am a homebody without a sure-fired home, as of June 1st.
Yes, oh I am so wise in my damn writing, I remember... there will be a roof over my life.
I like that sentence a lot. and, ehem, if one could remember those cool words at all times, it would be very fantastic... almost like a faith-based chant to provide succor and calm in a storm.
Yes, I am crazed with delerium that I have such cool renters coming. what a fabulous bonus gift/blessing!
so the crazed and the calm meet once again. crash! bang! shhh!
I am making a quilt for a fundraising auction and can work on it for about 10 minutes at a time between checking emails from realtors, and just generally pacing while thinking about packing boxes, where to get them, how much they are, how many i should buy...
a paragon of efficiency, yes, i am .
and dude, talking to jesus out loud in the kitchen is part of it all, all this shake-up, this motion... this movement ...
where will all of this end up? JESUS, Tell me!
JESUS, make somebody tell me. or- teach me patience and faith again. and again, and again.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
what used to be something slightly 'off-color' cussing has become an actual dialogue...
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
We're moving. well, we're leaving, that much is true. There are tenants coming into this house June 1st. which happens to be a wednesday... but whatever. They will be amazing, they will paint, they will garden, they will tend. I am happy for them to have this house, and I am happy for me that they will be here for two years and the house will be warm and will help grow a new family. happy.
we don't officially have a place to go. my mom has opened her house to us, but there isn't one of our own, big 5 will have to be carted half hour to school each morning and ASK me if I think this will help his behaviour. go ahead.
BUT, the bank has given us a go-ahead to buy a house, even without selling this peach. so- that is AMAZING. amazing.
AND, we have an adjustable rate mortgage on this peach that begins its first adjustment this may. and it adjusted DOWN. what the hay, you say? me too. four hundred dollars down per month. There is some secret conspiracy towards joy going on over here, and i'm the last to catch on... sheesh. happy to be on the train at last.
There is a house we love but the man owning it does not really seem to want to let us have it. and that is okay, maybe pointing us in the direction of the house that IS to be made into something amazing. so, there are these things, there is an obsession with Diego that is keeping the little all busy and occupied and talking about kowatis- what the hell is that?! anyhow.
so we are moving, moving, moving.
what are you doing?
Saturday, March 26, 2011
sneaking in through the windows, peeking around the corners, hiding under the comforter, there is joy.
Winter branches in a spring sky. Crocuses in snow. Anything in golden yellow. anything.
the phonecall when you need it. when you least expect it. the card. thank yous unbidden from children. ladders leaning. barns, working or waiting. ledgers and neatness containing who-knows-what mysteries. dusty corners. seals. morning sunlight streams. woods, forests. eucalyptus. having the 'runner' turn around as you get close and say, 'mom, that was a good run!!'...in target. julie andrews. (always) seatbelts. drive through coffee shops. scrambled egg heaps. golly. goober. Fresh, cold water. fresh, cold air with a slight warmth to it. clean windows. smudged windows. 'dad, dad, you gotta see this...'.
see what i mean?
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
I am so overwhelmed by the details and the papers flying about that I just want to crawl into a hole that I can stay in. So? when this spring finally decides to declare itself, it maybe that I own a yurt.
or a really nice cave... temporarily. I do so like the light.
In other news, the five got off to school with only a little fight. It is snowing here, on my crocuses. I go to see Chakra Carol next week and I am hoping that somehow I am moving beyond the need to prove my own existence. BUT i somehow doubt that I am in motion, for all that it is flying by me here. hm.
Friday, March 18, 2011
I'm so freaked out on a regular basis these days. Between the whole 'rent your house', 'move your house', 'your child either has a brain tumor or a behaviour disorder, you pick', (thats a joke, but it is hell. hell. ), between all these things I have been gorging on sugary things and completely flailing around when it comes to the parenting on purpose game. Yesterday I fed my three year old a HOHO. I really did. AND, when I picked up my five year old early from school so that he wouldn't have to go to ART?!, I took him to fast food and was really hoping he'd pass out in a sugar/salt assualt on his internal organs. but no. so we went to the park. talk about rewarding a kid who refused to go to school (like most thursdays... ) so violently... that the only way i could get him out of the house was to promise to pick him up early.
so i did.
it is my new mothering paradigm, evidently. give 'em what they want... lie down, and give 'em what they want. I've done this before, and I remember how it turns out.
but I have no idea what to do here, and I am just trying to get to the end of the month- when at least something will be different, i do not know what... but something. . .
the first prospective tenant will arrive tuesday evening... i'm hoping to start a bidding war and cover the expense of the mortgage.... what do you think? should i be aiming to start wars, is this conducive to the greater well-being of us all? what am i, quaddafi of the rental world?
too bad i've lost my sense of humor in this whole deal, quaddafi just isn't fucking funny.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
We are little, little things. waves, wind, and we are gone. gone.
and if we are not gone? what then?
and that may be all there is, right?
do with that what you will.
Monday, March 14, 2011
the sun will rise in the morning, perhaps that is really what it says... the sun will rise in the morning.
Friday, March 11, 2011
*warning, lots of caps for emphasis to follow...
Somehow or other this keeps popping up for me in the blogworld, but also the actual one. I'm not sure about the ideas of absolute truths. . . things which are true for ALL... I'm just not sure. . . I DO, for sure, know that lots and lots of people think what they say is true for ALL or SHOULD BE. . . I'm sure that I've been guilty of it in my time, positive. . . but even those things which I think are PROBABLY true are really just true for me, just me. and maybe, maybe they are true for someone else too, but maybe with a couple of words switched back and forth or a slightly different emphasis.
The point? I don't really know. Its Friday, I'm exhausted from all the fever-induced sleepless nights and the wild trip of getting C to see Chakra Carol. It was something, he was a devil to get out of the house, and a dreamy angel on the table. He was visibly at peace, sometimes thoughtfilled and sometimes almost weepy, all in quietude and rest. . . He is still tantrumming daily multiple times but seems to have a better access to some vocabulary and they SEEM to be slightly shorter in duration. This may be because I have more patience for that particular boy's tantrums after watching him at Carol's. The kid looks so vulnerable, so little. How can I want to rip his head off so regularly? HOW?!
Mothering/Parenting IS EXHAUSTING. Is that TRUE?!
The whole 'TRUTH' game seems to hold in it judgement and condescension. Do you think maybe I'm feeling vulnerable and little too? agh.
Flip flap fiddlefaddle. My brain is mush. I'll see you later, gator.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
But, it is good to give something up, and I think it is good to give up something that I expect really isn't that good for me... and while many people think they have to give up something that they love in order to suffer during Lent, I say this: by giving up something that I don't think is truly in line with my expectations of life and the glory that it contains, I am walking a straighter path, perhaps a more Christlike one, full of the bumps and pitfalls that roads contain. Lent is not all about suffering, although it is there, certainly. It is about doubting, hoping, continuing onwards and doubting... hoping, movement. if ecstasy is about getting out of one's comfort zones, out of the 'stuck in a rut' that one has lived in for all these moments, hours, days... then it is time to go on an ecstasy hunt. cut the weeds out of the path, bend the branches aside, and move.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
I've always liked fevers. for the hot sweet proof that the body was hard at work attacking a bad guy...
Today I started off the day with both boys in school, a rare treat that I spent in a mad dash to do 450 small but neccessary tasks, picked up the younger after his finish and should have known when I walked in to find him sitting instead of playing. but no, i didn't know... went out for pizza with hubsJ and the babe, and came home to a phone call from the school nurse of the elder with a fever and a headache.
Now I have two fairly limp boys, quiet. And it is just the wierdest blessing. . . a chance to remember who the older really is, beneath all the changes... that flushed cheek is so like his baby cheek. so like. the younger, his flush? i'm still learning it, as he's been sick so rarely in these three years we've had.
I'm nervous and on edge, as I watch them and wait for coming projectiles... towels abound, the perfect bowls are perfectly placed... we wait... and watch... and get ready for bed.
and somehow? its a break. a relief. a calm in the storm that I will take and love and hug and wrestle to the ground. . .
Monday, March 7, 2011
I'm taking C, the psychotic 5, to see Chakra Chakra C this week. Over the weekend I was literally crying in my bed while he tore the house apart. He screams, talks smack (where he learned that?!), throws, hits, wants to 'hurt'... tries to lift tables off the ground and throw them, etc. etc... I can't find my sense of humor to be silly with him, and I DO think that works, if I can shock him out of his rage - he has a great appreciation for silly and odd, the cutie- but I've had a hard time accessing the humor because I'm so flipped out about the whole thing. I waver between thinking its the age of testing boundaries, entering 'kid-hood' and not early childhood and the requisite desires and abilities that fall into the next stage of childhood and the fear/anxieties that come in that transition... so, waver between that feeling and the feeling that something, somewhere is going horribly wrong and I am responsible for finding an answer and all my prayers are not yielding an answer I can handle so far (I will get some kind of answer, but still... I'm only human and I've got no idea as of yet as to what it is. none. )
*Hubs J and I are working together pretty well and both feeling the shell-shock, so that part is good, the sharing I mean...
I'm flipping out. so, off he will go to chakra c's ... then a more mainstream shrink if need be. maybe i'll jsut get him to start smoking pot. maybe i'll just take him into a church and see if he bursts into flames ...
it'd be nice if i could see angels, get them into my huddle. I need some help.
Friday, March 4, 2011
It certainly is cold here. But the sun makes up for the cold in many ways... the ground is warming ever so slightly... the patches of ice are dwindling and the snowplow piles that towered a week ago are few and far between today... The squirrel gorged himself on my birdfeed this morning and I was bummed, but tried to look on the bright side and got as far as... well, at least the squirrel is well fed.... not as substantial a gratitude as I might have hoped for. . .ha. . . not going to make the list, lets just say. holding out for the cardinals.
Seriously, its cold. Arent' you glad I foisted my petard (pitard?sp?) upstairs to get into the posting thing? hm?
Everything feels sort of deflated, but . waiting. . . I feel quiet and wish everyone else could just keep it down.
I am waiting and everyone and everything around me is aflame with my waves of wait. It is not killing me, or them. we're okay. My 5 is sort of freaky in the behavior world still and today we take a break from friends coming by and from his 30 minutes of gameplay because of his behavior last night. And while I hate to seclude him, I think the bug needs the time off from his social proclivities. and I think that I need to figure out how to lock the computer from him. It is bad for him, and the end has arrived. I just don't know how to go about it. I imagine figuring it out technically will be a snap. How to explain it? little less smooth.
oh go on, go read something more jazzy. go on.
(and dear god, someone else 'follow' me, i have 13 followers and it cannot be allowed to stay that way!)**DONE!!