Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Forgetting to Breathe

I've been doing blockbuster-well, even with all the cold flesh and the empty bits...and the lonely, always the lonely.  I think sometimes that I excel when I am faced with a sort of rejection, something in it makes me rise up in scorn and self-appreciation and
I saw Chakra Carol last week and it was a blur of talk and babysquawk and I and the babe had to book it out of there before I got the bliss of bodywork.  It was good to talk and in talking sometimes I hit upon (or hear upon) something good.  and this time it was all about Fear.  that fear that makes me and others mad, bitter, anxious, reclusive, etc. 

you name it, Fear is behind it.

and I am done with it.  (i say, while knocking on wood. talk about fear. superstitious much? sheesh. )
this anxiety thing is shit.  I cut it out by asking myself in absurdia,  'are you really SCARED that the kids are staying up too late? SCARED?  Come on, get on with it.' 
It helps me, seriously, its cutting all my dread and anxiety right off at its start.

'are you really SCARED that all the cousins are coming over again? think they'll 'hurt' you somehow?'  dread loses when faced with the fact that I don't in fact feel scared of this social situation.  once i chill out, i move right on.  and that is good. i've been having better times, though still sometimes, boring ones.

'are you SCARED to explain that your hearing is shit to the parents at school?' 
oh, right, no. no, i'm not.  its boring, and overly repetitive, but not scary.  moving on.

and away we go.

the nursing at night is doing well, but i am killing my back and in the past two days I have found myself repeatedly forgetting to breathe while moving about the house, and I am blaming my back.  However, it is making me focus my breathing on a more regular basis and this walking meditation has added to my Rising and feeling.  (or maybe i'm just oxygen-deprived?)
who knew?

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Empty bits.

there's not so many places out there where i go to read anymore, the bloggers (only some...gv...) are on a type of vacation, a lull, if you will, maybe temporary, maybe not. and it is good, and amazing, to have it be a mystery as to what has happened, a mystery i cannot solve, or google, for that matter. i just won't know where they have gone. i just won't ever know.
and the mystery flows back and forth, pendulous.
i can't twitter, or show you how i walk from room to room.  it stutters, the camera, and you miss the meaning, the feelings of the walk, the space i push through.

the shadow in the speckled light. the empty spaces between the words, the holders of meaning-in pause, commas.
it is good to take the breaks, even if we don't know what they mean, how long they might last, how many cloudy days there will be.

i think i'm reacting against too many people being too public with their private, too sharey.  there is a difference between private and secretive, shamed by what is unspoken.  i leave empty bits all around, and like this format for its privacy and its shared nature, all at once.

**we did take our tree down, and now theres another empty space, slowly filling with pokemon card piles and a foldable foosball table and basically flotsam and jetsam, that weird foam that appears on the beach sometimes. this was part of our 'fierce' photo shoot, to show me myself and what i look like now.  whoosh... the light and the fire, me the dark empty bit, and then everything else.
whoosh... guessing that what i look like now isn't all that necessary to figuring out my selfimage. . .

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

do you have days like this?

the house is clean and empty, grey in a lukewarmly weathered day.  the baby is sleeping.  i feel cold, that fleshless feeling of last week, maybe a precursor to the return of menstruation? or a canadian wind. have been reading Annabel, so thank you, Mother of Gooses, (Growing Versions) for the recommendation. it is a cold book and I want to know Wayne Annabel and hug him. her.  have a feeling like i need to relearn some basic things. what do i eat for lunch? what breakfast do i most prefer? how do i like my eggs? it is taking me days to eat leftovers for lunch, and to get through and over the realization that sitting at the table alone, i do not have to eat the parts i don't like.  I can make puzzle pieces of the meat, and just take the choicest bits for myself, dipping each in the gravy, and tossing the rest.  I don't have to report this to anyone. 
I am doing for myself, and it feels like some 'first time', although that is a lie, not in its feeling, but in its fact.
its astonishing how still things are.
and how water-based I am.  I feel the liquid beneath my eyes and in my cold face and wonder how the pools are placid, or if they are at all.
i marvel the fragility of my bones, and the resilience of them, the last representative of me after i go..
unless i burst into flames...
perhaps if this house needed heating. . .

my own house needs heating these days, and I am coldly curious as to how I am going to go about it.
something to do with making my food, perhaps. the re-learning of my shapes and colors.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

today, bones.

today i am feeling my bones. existing here, as a set of bones with breasts, heavy with milk and ponderous in their attachment to such thin calculus.

and it is odd, this cold feeling of clacket, because it parallels such a productive day... laundry, painting! for process, for color, not for utility at all!!, sorting of my own spaces, a clean bureau top! for me! for me! i have written, i have called chakra carol, i have inched towards what will be a 'style' of my own, i have put on a bracelet for unneccesary adornment... it is new, this productivity and work- and i have filled a bag to lighten the load of this house, with giveaways. . . i have nursed a child, i have sent one to his grandmother's for cookie-making, and i have readied another for the bus. i have sat in meditation and been amazed when the timer has chimed. amazed to have it speed so by.  i have hung artwork. !!

and still my cheeks are cold with their fleshlessness, and it is bones for me today, just bones.
some days are like this.

Monday, January 7, 2013

I am the Puerto Rican lady. or Dominican lady, or that lady over there. I am she.

When I delivered my first kid it was super confusing, and long and sort of hallucinatory.  and then I left the hospital and he stayed for a week or so more.  He's fine, was fine, all that ... he's seven now, for goodness sakes.  One of the days I was visiting him in my utterly weakened, bleeding heavily manner, I saw this woman walking into the hospital as I was being shuttled out.  She was flipping gorgeous, and not skinny, not young, not childbellyless, but dressed in a silk blouse with a pencil skirt and heels which showed her belly rounded in age and curve.  it was awesomely sexy and so damn gorgeously classy...  and I see her in my mind's eye every time I think about how to garner some self-esteem as I grow away from pregnancy into yet another body.  I do have my swing back, but I am not sure how to dress, how to work around this form.  My stayathomemom lifestyle has me away from silk blouses, pencil skirts and heels and I probably won't ever get there, frankly, but I want that comfort and that showing of righteous curve. 
I wonder what it looks like, on me, that righteous curve.  I tried to take photos of myself, to show my fierceness in my new body and I got all flipped out by what the photos took hold of.  whack-o.  I suppose there are reasons beyond lazy for not having a daily looksee in the mirror.  but I am she, thats me, those curves are mine. i'm tired of organizing clothing, this new baby being of a new gender has meant gift upon gift and i am thrilled but overwhelmed with bins of hand me downs and all that i had saved from the boysthatwere is still here, still to be sorted.  and so it feels with my own changing shape, how long should i wait to toss all that doesn't fit? how do i dress myself? what is my style? where is my inner woman of curve? how do i take her out with me, into the wide world... ?
I say again, I don't want this plainjane life around me anymore.   it doesn't fit.
where is my inner woman of curve?

Wednesday, January 2, 2013


i haven't picked my word for the year, i haven't even picked my tarot card.  even.  how will i decide whats going on?  i haven't meditated and its already day 2. heh. I have stopped tidying and I have had a second cup of coffee, as bitter as it is.  I have allowed myself NOT to try the grocery store with the babe in carrier and the five year old who wants to run free down the aisles.  I have spent a night sleeping with the babe in the crib next to me and woke to cries and said, 'oh, oh' ... because i had slept like a person without a baby... and thats pretty incredible.  I have moved the yoga video closer to the tv.  I have developed a wild love for sweet citrus drinks.  (of the orange kind, not the alcoholic kind). I have ordered flea chemicals for the cat online so that relief will arrive in a box. I have noticed the light streaming all around. I have written thankyous, at least some of them.  I take such pleasure in walking to the mailbox, somedays I can even do it without thinking about death by ice floes. even.
I'm feeling a bit crotchety, even while noticing the light, and I wonder about that.  Isn't gratitude and noticing beauty supposed to cancel out the negatives of my inner world? maybe i'm not really letting the goods sink in?  I have been thinking about tatoos and my weird desire to have them in places that I can't even see.  just to know they are there and be surprised when someone Else notices. huh. I have tried looking at my face to see how its changing.  I have realized that cameras are tricky and elusive when it comes to showing truth.  I've been reading, I've got a stack from the library and from the gifters and I am really raring to go, one kid is back in school and I'm waiting the next to begin and then we're off! I've even read at night, even.
hubsJ called me ethereal and while i like it and want to sashay my way into it, i don't neccessarily wear it today, or lately, or often.  but its good that he describes me that way.  it is preferable to many things. I feel bad for hubsJ this week.  I think he is struggling with many things and I can't do anything for his struggle.
I grasp at this feeling of the new year, not wanting its hope to melt away and leave the plainjanelife with me. I don't want her around right now. hm.

deep and crisp and even.