Friday, May 28, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
FUCK YOU. fucking fuck fuck fuckfuck and some fuckity, dawg.
freakin fuck -the fuck?! fucking fucked fuck.
fucking inane fucked up fucker.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
its a superpower, and it is Super. but its also a cartoon. so, that makes it, un-real. as in, not the truth. i'm not going on a pitch for what the truth is right now, or ever really, but it isn't the thing. not the thing, its something else,
and it isn't what they ever think it is going to be. . . i've got that lady's smile.
i'm beginning to go down a long junior high type spiral and i would just prefer not to.
superpowers. today i gave my son a story about a superhero who fought with a dragon after bringing the lady of the woods back to her castle. it was a lovely story and the superhero could press his nose and get a head full of porcupine quills, the better for battling with...
the battle itself was undertaken mistakenly because the dragon was having a tantrum and couldn't hear the superhero saying the magic words, 'please, dragon, please'...
and the battle was ended when the dragon was preparing to roast our superhero but instead hiccuped and laughed at the absurdity of it all. . .
making it possible to hear the magic words, of course...
it was wonderful to be making C. giggle, he's experiencing a lot of anxiety about growing up, which I find to be something mysterious and mystical in a four year old, although I know it to be a fairly common sensation. A desire to stay small. I wonder sometimes if that is what our nation's weightloss world is about, a desire to retreat to a smaller space in the world. not for everyone, i know, there IS just healthful living and so on, but the idea of wanting to be small/stay small raises many questions for me, some big, some little:
i'm short, is that the same as small?
when i was sickened by crohn's initially, i was a super skinny, mini mini, everyone noticed, commented, wanted to know what i was 'doing' and so on, only one person asked me if i'd been sick, was he the only honest person in my life at the time? the only man? i donno. either way and if so, where is Andy Sherman?
what is it about- a four year old being nervous about bigness? is it the changes, the newness of new schools?
why do we think smaller is better?
digital/tinier/micro/nano... its the anti-american ideal?, no? what our country is aging into, now that we are leaving our teenageyears?
what will the cowboys have to say about this?
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Lately to battle my own self-obsessions, I have been lingering on facebook for far too long. I suppose it could be called leisure-time but I question that there is anything healthy or truly rejuvenative or relaxing in it, I seem to just be waiting around for something of interest to pop up- while the real life that I actually have, is unfolding all round me , and I'm just looking away.
I think I need to cut it out. The slow wasting of my self, and the building up of the negatives, those people who want to blame the president/democrats/republicans/global warming/immigrants for their crappy lives, who only post about troubles they are having, who make public their dislike for their ex's or their children or their bosses...
it seems so unrelenting. how can Arizona stand itself? How can any American possibly castigate new immigrants? HOW?! how can we be so far from recognizing ourselves?
and while I have long known that I can't really watch tv programs anymore, for the level of anxious aggression that it stimulates in me, its taken me a lot longer to head this way with the whole social thing, because i actually really NEED the social interaction, whereas I do not need to know about the desperate housewives that don't live in my neighborhood. or the skills neccessary to solve a murder. or the amount of food one human being can stockpile in their basement because they are fearful, like I am. . . I love re-meeting my old friends, reading about their relationships, it feels like getting to know them... but I would really like to SEE them and test, i guess, whether there actually is a relationship there. my guess is, there is . . . a shared something. . . and I think that is what I am looking for... the sharing... being part of a large whole in a way that it will help me to recognize myself, what i was before i became the space. the spacer around which are built words like 'mother/wife/housekeeper'... (jen did it well, at diagnosis:urine)
I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to find that knowledge 'out there', but it is comforting to share, to know that other people are looking to share, and that we're all in for some cosmic warmth and glow. . . if we just stop looking away.
so, happy mother's day... loser glowbugs...
I have a great grin, and I'm using it now... loser glowbugs...
Thursday, May 6, 2010
My self-esteem could NOT POSSIBLY be lower. the fraud and fake that I think I am, is bordering on a freaky vain thing at this point. nobody is more 'dorky/awkward/fearful/sloppy/etc. than I am... I WIN!!!! WHOOOOHOOOO... .
Monday, May 3, 2010
just about every night i wear my hearing aide to bed. it started when i had my first kid, wanting to be 'available' if he were to cry/needme/blaghblah... he was a first kid, thats my explanation for leaving the blissfull silence of the truly quiet sleep. truly. but its been about four years now, my ear is wigging out, the aide is wearing out and it is time to give it a rest. The boys can both walk and vomit at the same time, if need be, and my bedroom is literally 10 steps from their room , if that.
the way that the universe conspired to tell me that i need to let it go? hm.
last night while i slept, the aide fell out. i woke up and realized it and did me some zenning and just let it be lost while i went back to sleep. this morning, while the four year old and husband slept i sort of felt around, didn't find it, was still zenning and just put in the other one, the superexpensive never used 'new' one, and went downstairs with the two year old whose favorite FAVORITE thing in the world to say is 'mommy, wake up.'...
my zenning lasted about 20 minutes, i came back up, looked all around, felt under all the sleeping bodies and pillows, began searching along the floor, moving fallen objects, etc.
hubby goes downstairs, starts his morning ritual of tea and cigarettes...
i come down, drink coffee, putput, go back up to look again, 'knowing' it is there...
i start to lose my shit entirely. the four year old wakes and goes down for breakfast of boiled eggs. i am losing my shit. panicking completely, in a very quiet, sane sort of scary way.
"Today is field trip day, i have to go be with all the parents and i have this shitty aide in, i'm not going to hear anything they say, i'm not going, i'm abandoning my kid again, i can't hear, i'm a bad mother, someone get him a good mother, why am i always the social freak? i don't want to have these ears anymore, i'm tired of being afraid of this, this hurts my head to listen so hard, i can't even hear him right now... " and so on...
Finally, I go get husband, tell him that I am losing my shit and he needs to help me find the g'damned f'in thing. he comes upstairs, i have already stripped the damn bed, making piles on the floor, he looks, i pace and hold my chest (singular, not plural) he lifts the mattress, moves the boxspring, finds the damn thing in a dustbunny under the bed.
I burst into tears like i haven't done in ages.
so... good start to the day . . . everyone is napping, the field trip went smashingly (for the most part) and what the hell? no more sleeping with a hearing aide in, maybe the deep sleeping will hurry the pneumonia away...
anything is possible... and universe? i am listening.