Thursday, July 30, 2009

summer stretches

what a hot hot day. yelling still but continuing its taper. I think we are all just stunned by the heat, frankly. For the baby, its really his first conscious experience of it, as he was in single digit months last time... I keep thinking, its almost August.. that means September and FAAAALLLL.. I know its sacriledge not to be a summer person but I do think it has something to do with the consistent 'responsibility for others physical needs' aspect of mothering. I used to really like heat and sweatysex in the heat and languid strolling and For Chrissakes, I lived in Key West in September, like a livid roiling hell of heat! But lately, with all the child needs and wants and my seemingly endless resentment, I'm just good and goddamned ready for snow.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Day three of the yells

we're tapering down on the hysteria over here. I'm not sure whether I'm surrendering (i doubt it as its just not my style) or whether the boys are just tired of my stress level and so are doing their misdeeds out of sight. Because things are still being broken, oh yes.

I've been looking into tatoos and those that I am drawn to are all celtic from the book of kells. My scottish ancestors be damned, those spirals are so damn soothing. I have an old one that needs to be updated or incorporated And I like the idea of some pain that is by choice, and not child-driven accident. (did i mention i've had to order new glasses as the current pair have been broken for the tenth time and are now actually taped. taped. oh how my rare vanity has reared its pretty head.)

If this trinity of days were a symbolic end/beginning of sorts, I would ride that feather blissfully.

Sunday, July 26, 2009


all i've done for the past 24 hours is yell. and i mean that literally. i think i yhelled all night(it was just internal) while the kids stuck their sweaty bellies onto my thighs, chest, neck, whathaveyou. AND all day today. YELL yell yell. Don't climb the arbor! Don't punch your brother! There is no hitting in this family! No guns in the house! (sticks perform multiple tasks here as guns, swords, guns, swords) You go to time out! You have a choice, time out or no movie! You go to time out!

We are having some issues.
and so i moved the baby's crib out of my room this afternoon. I've been doing the familybed thing quite unwittingly and while I think it is fine, it is now too goddamned hot and these boys are too big and I'm not sleeping and consequently, the YELL.
I think I might be scared of boy energy.
I still haven't taken Grammie's stash out of my car and its sitting out in front of the house like a vast oil spill.
I'm scared of my own anger. same spill. I am worried that I am yelling because I am fundamentally unsuitable for the raising of boys. I am .

Thursday, July 23, 2009


we're feeling all brown and sandy down here. and feeling our age as we struggle slightly with the numbers of children we have gathered. cigarettes and alcohol close our evenings and sometimes a swim to the raft. our secrets are out and our evenings are late. it is good.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

shasha booey

captions. when the television is on, there are captions that run along the bottom for me, the mama with the bad ears. ShashaBooey is what the captioners believe that kungfu panda says when excited. shashabooey. I couldn't really watch it otherwise- and there are rumors that the confidence with print will happen earlier because my sons connect words on tv with sounded words. i don't really care but its a thing i read once and i frequently hang onto those random tidbits when all sorts of important things slip right through the cracks...
went up to maine again for another working weekend at my grandmothers house. slept in her bed last night, alone in the house in her sparse, dismantled room. spooky creaky house and i didn't sleep very well and when morning arrived in its 6 am form, i was in the car and home to my boys in three hours.
I did a lot of work in those days there and while there is more to be done, the feeling of productivity that I had was really refreshing. My job of growing the kids is much less immediately gratifying than the fact that in 8 or so hours I unpacked 42 years of culch from my grandmothers closet. and yes, it took that long. stand by for pictures of the 'bring home' that is currently cluttering my trunk. it is a beautiful stash, but a stash nonetheless.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

what i am is what i am

so i'm skinny. sort of, i mean, i've got a belly that shows off the birth of two children and some of my 35 years. i look bigger than i am. and vice versa, i am bigger than i look. in my family, i'm the shortest one around and even get the comments that are the reverse of what most people think would be terrible... 'you're so skinny, you've got to eat more, you're just bones, how do you stand up?" seriously . mostly funny but i've got gigantic cousins and they do tend to think skinny is ugly and i get that, don't really have a problem with it except in my more vain moments. i recognize that its easier the way that i am, and have tasted through my friend's experiences, the brutality aimed at people with extra weight. I have crohn's disease and react badly to food in large quantities and did spend an ungodly amount of time avoiding wheat and allthings white... in high school and college i was four sizes bigger than i am now, then i got some sporty jones going on and became a rower, new bedford style with a whaleboat and a lot of grunting. i loved it and had muscles and a booming voice and became the coxswain and the youth coach. LOVED IT. and thats when i met my husband, when i was physically strong and actually had stomach muscles... something i have only used for laboring with a baby since then. its just the way that i am, the way i was born, right down to the crohn's disease. . . its what i am.
i'm way way bigger on the inside. and damn you if you mistake that.
i'm also deaf in one ear and shittily-eared in the other...
are you what you are or what?
thanks to edie brickell for ruining my entire day .

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Standards, standards

Packing the car to go on a two week hiatus to a beach house owned by a relative. the beach is crowded, all the people are somehow related through history, blood or famine to my husbands history blood and famine. and while this can make me feel sort of outoftheloop, it is a welcome chance for unconnectedness and all of this is ON A BEACH. so whats the complaint, really.
All the change lately has made me feel more connected to myself. Maybe its the kids getting older and more selfsufficient (at least one of them), maybe its the changing scene on husbands worklife, or my aging process, or my ability to cook being called into irrelevance by summer cold food. but my strands are interwoven. and it feels very good, strong in the way that I've always strived for. Strong.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

i've been gone

amidst the storms of the past month, i have become disconnected in a literal fashion. and it was bad, and it was good and I don't know that I've got much to say but you have been lingering at my edges and I"m happy for it.

I've decided lots of things in the last few weeks and a few are sticking with me.

1. I"m definitely having a hard time not smoking, definitely. even doing it in view of my kids and stinking up the car. having some issues with that. but addict is one of my names and is why I have tried many things once and loved them, and known that I could NEVER do it again or I'd be lost.

2. I'm a grown up. finally, at 35. and i've been one for a while, evidently.

3. I need more friends, the real ones that are tough as nails and cushioned in beautiful womanly self-aware and damn funny curves. or angles, if that be the way god made them.

4. I love sex. I mean, really, I enjoy the hell out of it. BUT- if I am not actually in the middle of it or in the literal minute before it occurs or begins, I can actually forget that such a thing exists. Really. Luckily, I have a husband willing to remind me.

5. I'm a conservative. And, I'm not meaning the political sort by any stretch. I mean, somewhat retentive, afraid of money and waste. have a compost heap and make a point of only sending one trashcan out each week but have an intense dislike of 'earth-friendly' diapers as I think thats just a lie. And so I'd rather fill the landfills with pampers as its more honest and I end up with less laundry as my diapered one doesn't pee all over my sheets. . . Get my dig? I don't shave my legs but I'm not 'crunchy'. I make snap judgements but reserve the right to change my mind many times over. Its happened before and again and again that I make mistakes in my judgement. I am fluid like that.

6. I hoard fabric. I think its becoming a problem. If it weren't something so innately benign as folds of cloth, I 'd have to be on Oprah. I'm going to blame my grandmother as it will probably make her laugh and she's not here to defend herself anymore.

i'm sure there's more, but i'm just borrowing the confessional for the day and I'm out of steam. Off to paint my nails. :)