Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Whatcha think of me now?

So, another year of nomohoho under my belt, a full month of posting daily.  I must say, I am happy it is coming to a close, happy that I had a goal and accomplished it and it didn't involve cleaning anything or supervising anyone.
So, I am glad. I am glad about many things and I am ready to move on.  I'm sure I'll post this week because I am a creature of habit and compunction but I'd really like to just cease the electronica, get my journal back out and decorate the house for the warmth and lights of the holidays we celebrate. Again, I'm sure I'll post in the morning. haeh.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Time keeps on ticking

we've been talking a lot about time here lately. tricky thing, sort of fleeting. heh.
the moments when you can literally see 'it'. . . in a gnarled and twisted tree, hubsJ describes, you can catch its history in its curves, the leap away from the straight that happened thirty years ago, for some unknown to me reason. its both space and time at once.
in a moment when I watch C read a book to his brother, that I have personally read to him hundreds of times, and his version of it is so close to the pattern/meaning, that he is correct in his changes, and i can witness the time that I have spent, in a tangible remembrance of that time, spent. 

The deaths in the family are shaking our tree. We (hubsJ and I ) are getting a bit more quiet, tucking in to the beginning winter and the changes of our hierarchy with a healthy but somewhat heavy dose of introspection.  There is faith in the rising of the morning sun. There is faith in the turn of the seasons, at leastaways here in New England... hanging on for the ride is just about all that there is...

Sunday, November 28, 2010

The faithful steed

The house is going on the market after New Years. I love this place. It is beautiful and full of my kid's earliest memories and my transitions from harried mother to radically harried mother. :) i'm not harried, no worries.) Today we spent the morning sorting out HubsJ's clothes, getting some ready to go to the tailor, some to the salvation of another, some just to get themselves good and clean... we sort the socks on our bed, we look at the wallpaper and the afternoon sun coming in our windows, we talk about our recent repast. This is our place.  If we could take it with us? all would be well.
So we are readying ourselves to leave this place behind, hoping to feel good about the next people to come inside...
We carried a bench out to the street this morning and it was scooped up by lunch.  I love the idea that someone has excitement over something that has dogged me so... as I have begun to look at this lovely place through its transition to 'sellable'... the crazies who need 'clean lines' and 'clean countertops' as if no one were living here, no young boys were spreading their puzzle pieces from stem to stern...I'm very glad we have this last holiday season here, free and unencumbered from realty, a critical eye can pass right by... my clutter, the doghair tumbleweeds, the playdough forever enmeshed in the rug, the leftover lice treatment box behind the computer, and so on and so on -infinity.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Outer rims...

Today was a funeral, and I was on my kids like ants on honey, and they did very well... and i feel completely bereft of the public sharing that gets to go on at a funeral and its following luncheon... Not only did I not get to hold my honey's hand, but I hardly saw him... big church, kids rambunctious at the back, family at the front.  I sort of feel 'outsided' and so much of it has to do with kids and personalities and old news that I am both flattened and annoyed by the flattening as an overly familiar friend can be at times. 
HubsJ's family is wonderful, chatty, social, of good humor/cheer, and EVEN at a funeral. yes, they are normal, and there were tears and emotions agaga. Near to them, I do a tremendous amount of self-comparing which inevitably puts me in the bag. 
There isn't a particular individual that i 'want to be' and there isn't even an individual that I remotely see as flawless.... I think it may just be the feeling of being an in-law... the history is not mine, I am part of a hyphenation... and today as I watched with one eye through the door, the cousins in black, the secondcousins too... I felt far away, out side of the family. 
*None of this is HubsJ's fault. His reaction to all this day has held is to tell me he hopes we can have forty years together. he is good and feeling sad and in flux/flow.
I suspect myself of whining a bit, although I also do feel at times that I use the kids to give me distance from people and places that I am uncomfortable with and this morning was the other side of that same coin. use, used .

Friday, November 26, 2010


If you went out and got lots of bargains, well, good for you.
I think you are crazy. I drove around with my family, though, and maybe that is crazy too.  And if I'm going to drop my judgemental sham thing, its all crazy, and none of it is. . . We shopped like crazy for books at the Salvation Army and I got some beautifully illustrated books that they won't look at (much) until they are way older. HubsJ got a shirt. We were wild.
We went to the hardware store and bought some dowels so the 5, C,  could have a pointer like his teacher and play school.  Long arms no longer cut it.
And then we drove to look at a house we once visited which is unfinished and for sale.  So beautiful, beautifully located, but perhaps too small, perhaps to be developed by... so beautiful though...

Now we eat our leftovers, all of them, and feel fat and happy by the fire. 
what the hell is black about any of that?

Thursday, November 25, 2010

ThanksGiving Day

We are going to have a bunch of people here, family from both hubsJ and I... my parents, my sister and my brother, three dogs all together... and a cat, his sister, his parents...
We are going to watch over two children. . . and pine for one who is with her father on another coast...
We are going to eat one turkey that hubsJ killed for the nourishment of his family...
We will give our thanks, raise our glasses and eat for the health and wellbeing of the world, as exemplified by the beauty of our plates and our hearts and what they contain.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Thanks and more of life than I requested...

My husband's family is going through another loss this week.(a brother-in-law, an uncle... last month) and now  another uncle, the only brother of my husband's father, at 85, it was time to go and no one mourns that... but everybody is changing roles and there is a sense of loss in that -at the very least, a great and building sadness... It is a constant check on our 'normal' affairs this week.
I am both curious and full of trepidation ... we all are going to die. my goodness. even my kids. me. my mom. my dad. my sister, my brother. (not hubsJ.)
my goodness. it is hard to type, yes? the unspeakables.
and our stories will be changing and some stories will just be lost.  A lot of people say that they want to leave something behind when they go... and I sort of feel like challenging that notion today. it feels grasping, right now, somehow.   What you leave behind is what you did in life for people, what their lives have become flowing around/in yours... the whole river is always the whole river... when you take a cup out, its not the river anymore, it is water in a cup. but while we eddy and swirl through our river ride, we're all river, all the time.  what can a river leave behind? the land changes - yes, but it is not left behind.
just like the family grieving, changed.

- my faith in afterlife is firm, i'm sure that it'll be shaken again in my life, but it is firm today. and it makes me feel so damn peaceful about it all, but I have a distance from the grief because it is not sudden, not 'inappropriate', and not mine.  all critical points.
i'm sad for the family, a waterfall drop.

I know Jack is watching a ball game at the local high school and regaling G-d with stories of HolyCross football, and getting ready to eat pie with his sister, her husband and his parents...  how much better can it get?

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Making me some pumpkin tiramisu

Oh. that got your attention, i see.
me too.

Although, I have just roasted the pumpkin and now I need to wait a little bit for some coolness to descend, or ascend, however it goes... and then, then, I will begin my wild assembly. 

AH. the food, the fridge is stocked, STOCKED. and my closets are bursting with flours and candies galore. 
I am just so thrilled, even the wierd aches and pains can't get to me.

I think that Chakra Carol got me going last time I was there, and I am 'feeling' things that have always been there, but I'm not ignoring them and actually feeling them.  We all know how much fun that reality is..

and dudes, I got my hair cut.  I did not use the clippers but went ahead and paid the gayest man alive to do it for me. honestly. so so very very.  so so, i hope that the world is safer for him.  It is good, I need to wear earrings now, though.  It is not even as short as I'd like it, honestly, but I'm going to let everyone around me get used to it before I go again...

Doctors note:  I moved the bed back to where it always has been since I moved it a few weeks ago.  Headache down by at least 85%.  seems there must have been some sort of wierd angle and not the friendly fengshui I had imagined.  I also have an eyeglass doc appt because maybe the taped glasses bit has got to go.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Not feeling it today..

I'm not really into the 'writing, reading, thinking' thing today. But feel compelled to sit here and get something off my chest. You'd think I'd be down to an A cup by now, but really? no.

Chakra Carol says, be careful what you let pass through your mind.
so do that. be full of care.
also, last time I was there she related a tale of a feeling.. and came out with ... the only thing G-d can't work with is ... indecision... if you are so stuck that you refuse to move, there is not much that can be done. You must be in motion... the littlest things, sometimes, those are Motions...

so . be full of care.  and move. . .

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Ha HA! all aboard...

bet you thought I'd miss a day. bet you did. in the evergrowing pressurefilled rush to be the first to get a post on the board every single day in november, thereby achieving the very illustrious positions of ...
what?@! exactly.
but i didn't miss a day yet and here i am in a nomobhoho suit just waiting for your applause.

i'm sucking bigtime at the true, kind, neccessary quiz of a few posts ago.  The thing about it is that it is hard. I spend most of my day saying things that are almost completely unneccesary.  don't hit your brother.
um, right. would be neccessary IF the kid didn't already know that hitting his brother wasn't in the rulebook of the house. he knows. why do i seem to be saying it every flipping moment of the day?
E., don't hit him with that stick, or I will take it away.
Every moment that I am not saying the first, I am saying the second.
I take away a lot of sticks. Why don't I just shut up? aye?

I'm going to get back on the train for this questioning though.  When it started, I was amazed and felt a sort of calm settle in, and I'd like that feeling back.  I cannot actually move in to Chakra Carol's house, although I haven't technically asked.  So, in the interest of accessing the Calm, I am back on the train.  Before I speak... each time... the kids, the hubsJ, the grocerylady...
is it true? is it kind? is it neccessary?
is it?

whapper of a headache this afternoon. lets all keep our fingers crossed that I need new glasses, shall we?

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Your eggs, sir. . .

Today was the fundraiser for my kids school...
the fundraiser. me, eggs. you, plate.
I remember writing about it here last year which sort of blows my mind.  (that i've been writing so long, that my repetitions run so deep..:)  Today was good, as it was my third year of serving eggs to people who are surprised by teasing and cajoling, and it is lovely to be a nice surprise, sometimes. I don't get the nicely surprised response at home very often. Maybe I should work on that? hm. food for thought.
I seem to be ending on food a lot lately. Maybe its the big holiday come-up and all the cooking magazines I walk by at the grocery stores.  They are very pretty. oh so pretty and so bloody expensive, its almost criminal.  however, my will is of stone when I see them in the store, as the internet really does hold its own in that arena AND I already pay for it...
I got a comment yesterday that was this, (partly) :

Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children." --Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1953

and I wonder if we couldn't be doing more, all of us, to make a rationally 'middle' point of view heard in the world these days.  that was 1953, folks... 57years. . . still warring, still not feeding, warming, nourishing... all sorts of wackos/all of us's buying plastic mickey's and calling it quits... . .
what're you up to?

Friday, November 19, 2010

Day 475 of the headache...

Now I'm getting sentimental for the days (yesterday) when I said this bitch was gone.  She ain't.
I can also tell I'm pushing crazy because I just typed 'ain't' without referring to something my precocious child said... and by precocious (pre-ko-shus) I mean heavily influenced by morons.
It came back in a very big hurry last night and I am sorry to report that it stayed the night.  Bitch.
Just like a naked woman in the sauna, I tell you. . .

I pumped the excedrin primer and took the 3 out to the bank and target to feed the bills and to paper the people (bounty, wipes and t.p., baby) who live here. I survived Target, but just barely.  They have put toys at the end of EVERY SINGLE AISLE.  and i am not kidding, and I am not pleased. not pleased. WE are going to have to have some serious de-tox in this house to get us all through this season, material-wise.  I love the lights, the decorations, the food, but I just don't want all that shit in my house, and I don't want the pressure that I feel to buy it so my kids will be happy.  I feel that pressure, do you?  It is an ugly feeling, especially if you don't want to spend the money you have so carefully saved and scrimped for... on a plastic mickey that dances.  know what i'm saying?

In the past months, I have simplified, we are without cable, there are no toys in the boys' room at all,( not that they will EVER sleep there again or anything),   I got rid of 50% of the animals and cars. holy moly. not a single kid has said ANYTHING. unbelievable.  but i have a birthday (almost 3) coming up and then the christian motherlode. . . I can already feel the chaos.  I've started hoarding again, spaghetti sauce and squashes... go figure... I guess I'll feed the hell out of the neediest children ....

talk to me, i need more to write about and quickly...

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Amox and this mama

Sinus infection, it was a sinus infection and whilst I lay about all day yesterday, by noon I had popped some antibiotics and was in recovery. It was something of a joke to write 'day three' on yesterday's post, as it had been a week of daily excedrin struggles and a worn down mama is nobody's friend. nobody.

(this is an old picture, haven't seen that mask in months and months, from Grammie's stash after she died...)

so, now my system is full of the ambiguous ingredient list of the big pink pill and we'll see how it handles the ride.  And the headache is 'just' about gone, though it tickles the skull now and again, still.

To refer back to the sauna problem of a few posts ago... husband makes a real distinction between this sauna activity being 'non-sexual nudity' and not lecherous leering, so he sees no problem and requests fairly respectfully that I talk the same talk.  It is actually one of those times wherein I have a split between what I may feel intellectually and what I feel from the gut.  Because the two reactions are opposites, it is hard to apply a nonjudgemental approach.  My intellect agrees with hubsJ, it shouldn't really be a problem for people to be naked in a dark sauna.  Even while typing, the other part of me (what IS IT?) is arguing and flinging arms and swearing.  So... the debate rages. or something...

And i have a free morning and I have washed dishes and now I've been here on the computer for an hour and I'm sort of pissed off about that. where the hell are the inner resources?

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Headache, day three

last night: the kids are downstairs watching 'Harry and the Hendersons', which is a lovely thing.  Last night's special was Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier, the man being rather openhanded with his fair and honest policies... except with the wild animals.
oh .
the headache rages and I don't really get where it came from or why ibuprofen just knocks it down and then it comes back.  I think it has something to do with the light of November and the weird warmth we have going on today. I was outside without a coat, in New England, in the middle of November.  I should have caught pneumonia. (maybe i did and the headache?... no. .. .)

this morning: three excedrin and i'm still walking around like a zombie. hubsJ is a good man but likes to pick on me when I am defenseless and it makes me simmer because i'm too zombied to cut his balls off.
but eventually, this headache will go away and then there will be an ambush.

- i am clearly okay enough to be at the computer, and to be prepping the house for the afternoon's playdate, which we've all been looking forward to all week.  headache be damned. there is even an unopened bottle of excedrin for me to pop, if need be...
looks like need will be.


Tuesday, November 16, 2010

More on Cleaning up...

so,- met my former neighbor Beth, (foreclosure, move, etc. etc.) this morning at the school drop off.  She looked, hmmm, 'dolled up' was how I put it when I asked her about it... this was 8:30 AM at the Kindergarten drop off and the shimmery silver cleavage shirt, the acidwashed tightjeanthings and the black 'slouch' boots were all somewhat out of the ordinary for her.  She did look more sexy than normal, I will give you that.  Evidently, she is going to a home inspection and wanted to look good.


So. my mother would have pulled me tight if she'd been met with that outfit during a school dropoff.  I am not so obvious -and it helps to know that Beth is not in fact an out-of-work hooker-but an overly large woman of extreme anxieties....  but I AM slightly miffed that Beth, in all of her crazy, knows how to look 'good' at the drop of a hat and if I am ever asked to do the same thing, it is a panic of wild proportions here and everyone in the vicinity is involved and somehow I am completely lacking in the silvery cleavage shirt arena. completely lacking.
but I'm not sure of what kind of attention it is that I really want... does the Home Inspector tell me more if I vamp it up? Should I get a shirt like that just to buy groceries? meat? deals?
And if I spend all my time (granted, its about 20 minutes on any given day) on the sexification of myself for the attention of random men on the street, what then will I do when I get said attention? !

and I wonder if that isn't part of the problem of me and many of my stay at home mother compadres. (yes, the irony, mother, compadres... hah! ) I have become sort of immune to the attention-seeking. . . (not single, too tired, too many kids..this damn stomach... ) but haven't exactly forgotten the feeling of getting the attention itself. . .  and its not a husbandly kind of attention I am talking about.  Its that flirt with the coffee boy, the george clooney at the bookstore... the possibility that lurks in the friendly stranger. . .

but it certainly is not the random construction catcaller. or the husband's pal at work...

(oh. an aside: or querie: if husband goes to a sauna with pal from work and pal's wife is there and she goes naked, what say you? i was bothered, both by hubs, the pal and the wife... what say YOU?) i want public reaction to supply hubsJ with a secondary reaction to mine... balance, dudes, balance...

Monday, November 15, 2010

ho[piho[phgpo'hiuioyio;u' bed...

the kids have been helping lately, and I have a lot of cleanup to do, all over this post is cleanup and procrastination on cleanup all at once. how's that for multitasking?

seriously, when i asked my hubsJfantastico what to write about this week, he told me to write about all the things I like to do in bed.  He really is a one-track sort of fellow when it comes to me and it is lovely almost all the time. except when i'd like a topic to write about and happen to find the bed to be a source of tremendous frustration as it is a queen and has to fit two adults and two children and sometimes a cat and a dog and consequently, not exactly a space of rest for me... in bed...

at least I don't have to get up when they wake up, thats what i say... maybe i'll never sleep again ... in bed...
but at least I don't have to get up...
its not like i've been bored lately - and needed more to do... really, its not. ... in bed....
In all my furniture moving of the other night (in search of deadening fleas, if there were to be more than one..) I have re-arranged the bed.  We are now directly in the path of the eaves, both hubsJ and I.  What this means for us is so many things.  No more jumping on the bed, the kids have learned very quickly that their jumps and the ceiling are not a match. glory be.
We also have to huddle more, get closer, as we feel smaller in our space... a pack of dogs in the den. . .
and We are in line with the beams, suddenly, not opposed to them, and J and I feel we have settled some sort of fengshui problem as the whole room seems more friendly.

Sunday morning i was given breakfast in bed... and it was not quite the thing of dreams (hello, crowded, bumpy, children??) but what WAS lovely was the time I had to myself while it was made. . . slow, quiet... in bed...
I didn't even have to make my own coffee.  lovely.
so thats what i did in bed this weekend.
the rest of it i'm leaving out.


Sunday, November 14, 2010

The turkey is officially dead.

So the holiday, the big one, the food one, the Americanblitzkrieg of binges is coming...
ah. the best one, the warm one, the sleepy one, the smell-full one...
oh. i love it.
we are in planning stages and we are hosting the grandparents and the aunt and uncle of one side and we are in need of plates, and chairs and space but we will be just grand.  I have no cable still so we will miss the parade and the sporting and that is sad but easily forgotten, as it is every year.  I wish the performers well and warm. . .
AH. One grandmother makes sides, one makes pies.  Turkey, potatoes, gravy, cranberry relish, bread, and we are full of appetizers here. simple but my god, MY GOD. 
It is the happiest day of my year.
As a child, we were with our extended family for a gigantic free-for-all every year and this year, we are small and 'just-us'ing, and the change will be large for me, and I will still be happy and warm and my fatness will spread throughout the land...
So, every day until then I wish you a happy, warm and well-fed day. canadians, i wish you a happy warm day every day since yours.  i know these things work in reverse as well, with a little perspective. 

Saturday, November 13, 2010

any given weekend...

My mom made these last year... talk about productive... you could actually eat them if you felt like it...
my family is feeling quasi-productive these past two days.  hubsJ  killed us a turkey, literally, and it was a first for him and not exactly the norm for the neighborhood.  but whatever. i'm sure it'll taste better than the grocerybrand and is way less expensive, except for the whole morally ambiguous internal questioning, which costs, baby, it costs.

the almost 3 still can't get his hand out of his butt.

the K melts down all the time when he doesn't get his way and I spend a lot of time squelching the desire to flip him off.
i do squelch very well.
I found a flea on my leg this morning in my own living room and went nuts. laundry, vacuuming and room rearranging later, we will be completely uncomfortable but maybe the fleas will die a terrible death in the new sparse environments... maybe.  yeah, and if you think my 'sparse' actually means fewer piles of culch, you've got another thing coming.
I'm getting very random and day to day-y, here.
welcome to it.
i'm posting, i'm posting.
is that the same as postal?


Friday, November 12, 2010

one of those...

today i decided to wipe up the floor without sweeping first.  for those of you out there who don't do these things every day... it doesn't really work that well. 
after swishing the dirt on the floor around into different swirly patterns, i cut myself a piece of a yummy chocolate chip muffin that someone at stop and shop put into the dayoldbread section.  tiny piece out of a big muffin because i was trying to get it to last me through the day where the three year old thinks he is not going to nap and that his ass is the most interesting thing in the world and so keeps his hand there ALL THE TIME.  so . muffin eating. move on to the story chanting (the lion's coming... on the next page... turn it to the lion mummy...the lion....) for the boy with the hand in the butt, hear a crash from the kitchen, dash to see what is the matter and discover that the dog has gotten the plate on the counter between her teeth, dashed it to pieces on the floor and gobbled up the rest of my muffin.
So i am back to cleaning the floor in the kitchen from one dirty standard to another and i decide that i need the vacuum. into the closet i go and (without mishap) get it out, turn it  on and reach another standard of clean alltogether... fabulous. i did, however, discover why the entire dining room smells like pee. And I am not going to talk about it, because I cannot discern if it was dog or kid, and eventually, I would like to have you all over for dinner, and I don't want you wondering, either.
At least I get to go to Salvation Army this weekend to buy plates.  We now officially do not have enough for our own family, unless I begin eating on a dinosaur plate.  and i don't want to. and I think five bucks is a glorious price to pay to escape the nightly battle over who gets to use the T-Rex plate. 
I have 20 minutes before picking up the boy from K and now the three is beginning to fade. Did I mention we walk to school? no? wonderful. . .

Thursday, November 11, 2010

TINY but big.

Crazy child on the string of the camera itself. you would think I had planned his appearance, as perfect as he is...
life is out there.
my dad is a veteran of vietnam and i spent the morning with a friend whose husband is a vet and i would like for us all to quit what we are doing to thank them in our hearts.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

coincidence, i think not.

Today is a day of links. call it lazy if you like, but I have been struck by repetitions and 'coincidences' of late, so here are my sources, some of them.

Its okay to be angry...  yeah, it really is. and i have been, and i am sure I will be again, as sure as the sun will rise in the morning.

I like to be warm, I like my world to be warm, I want my kids to be warm. . . all day, all the time...
Warm it up...  I am aware that I may not be able to get my boys into wool tights on a given day... but I want to . . . I WANT TOOOOOOOO. . . it is enough that I have them on, I suppose...

and thats it, really, two. i am finding this daily posting a bit more challenging than i thought. i know there is a world of beauty and connection out there and i am having a trouble with 'linking' up... so i am off to launder and errand and i will probably see it for myself. only time will tell.


Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Better, without guarantee...

Chakra Chakra rocked me.
she got me to slow down my breathing, held me close in a good and right hug, and told me I was going to be allright.

I got just what I needed.
AND, whatever happens this afternoon, when my children return from their various places, I am much less likely to need to lock myself in the bathroom after shouting profanities at them. much less likely.

but there are no guarantees.

today she told me that the spirit, the wisdom (what we all recognize as wisdom, whatever it is for you...) does not recognize 'should' because it comes from your mind and a vague or concrete sense of wanting to control something. . . the core of you, spirit, wisdom, G-d, doesn't deal with things that are not right here, right now. as yoda says... 'do, or do not do, there is no try'...

peace out,


Monday, November 8, 2010

Daylight Savings is the Devil.

I think I am currently logging my 'most vile temper ever' day.  E, the almost three, actually shuddered and hugged the fridge after an especially motherly moment.  Seriously.  there isn't even any story to go to that. I think it had to do with him opening the freezer door and hanging on the fridge door at once.  I think .

I had been planning on wiping down the big success for the day... and then, Some hot chocolate spilled all over the table, down and around our sloped kitchen floor, onto the walls, onto the curtains, every.where. Kid tried to suck it from the floor, which frankly, was just too dirty to allow it... Now I have washed the floor and am washing the curtains in a vain hope that they are not going to shrink to the size of a napkin.  we'll see. everyone needs more light, right? who needs curtains?

And now? I'm posting because I have plugged the young one into Little Bear's harvest collection and I have all the time in the world to hide away and I've already washed the dishes and have absolutely nothing to focus on. Maybe I will come back up here in a few more minutes when I've got something to talk about. There is a lot going on here and I feel like my skin is peeling off while I wait to find out what it is that is going on here. . .
maybe I'll join the witches of eastwick cast and throw up cherries all over the place, just for kicks, to rid me of this demon.  I AM blaming daylight savings, because that is so much more enjoyable than blaming myself. so much more . . .

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Crisis in cycles, not bikes*

PushmePullyou Daddygoatgruff
In my house we have repeating distinct crises, an everready bunny list of someone sick, etc.etc. You would think that I have twelve children, but no. no.
I've begun to see how much of a pattern there is here, so many familiar feelings again and again, and I wonder how much I play/feed into this all.
     For instance, The day after.... there is an immediate sense of blessing that the moment of crisis is passed/past. I think sometimes, even during the event, that i can see its end or envision the morning clearly.  whatever and Whatever may be Coming, but there is a really clear relief.
and the really clear relief is mixed with really muddy adrenalin comedown, and a simmer and a stew, sometimes in the same hour.  Resentment, a 'don't i wish i could actually use the babysitter we had coming, but no'. or a 'why should i bother asking her if she can come tomorrow, when this hell is all sure to happen again'.  a sort of depression of an aggressively passive sort, if that make sense.
Then there is the day after that, normality is more in-reach but not quite in the room. The windows have been cleaned, you can see the sun outside. Nobody feels that well, but noone is talking about it anymore. . .
Then there is the day after that.  apologies have been made to the sickness gods, children have been restored their innocence in the destruction of their mother's lives, husbands have returned to the living.
and then the insanity of post-reconstruction.
and then - at least here- it all starts again. 

*post could be alternately titled, AND THEN THERE WAS VOMIT, again.

Saturday, November 6, 2010


swing it, power ranger.  he believes he is the red ranger because he has that nifty cape. thankgod. the red ranger costumes at target were 20 bucks. holy hell batman. so, in typical fair mom fashion, the older one got the cheapass fabricated outfit with mask and the young one got the salvation army version with a rushjob cape, to make it all red. everyone was happy.
*also, they are currently 75% off, so guess who nabbed excellent christmas costumes? oh yes, we will have wolf ninja and pirate scallywag dancing around the christmas tree this year... just about every mother's dream. . . dress up is KING.

I'm going to see Chakra Carol next Tuesday and I even called her on the phone and asked for some tips to get me through a bad day (it worked -because she is that good) and thats how 'in' I am.  I just wanted you to know. I am totally 'inner circle'.
(i'm really not, though I do think Carol likes me. she's very nice. ) ((Ever read CS Lewis' writing about circles? good stuff))
I have a new wish for the millenium.  (not the Falcon)

I want to be a badass. 

Thats right, I want to stop being distracted by parenthetical explanations and just let the expression stand without any dither.
(Thats right.  This is where I have ended my spiritual growth and decided that badass has something to do with grammar. )

really. I have to figure out how to cultivate the badass-ishness that lies dormant ....
any tips?
maybe i need to get those clippers out? DAMN THE MAN.
( i desparately fear the cold. DAMN THE WEATHER MAN.)
yes, nonsensical.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Problems with Trends

My mom gets a magazine that has the trickiest title ever, as in it is a gigantic lie, ehem...romantic notion...  It is neither real, nor simple.
anyhow, they 'spotted' a trend that is wearable and affordable and so i just wanted to share it with you so that you could be in the know, like i am .
Large bows.
yep, that is right.  Feel free to be hip, now.  Attach a large bow to your current ensemble and you, too, can be a trendsetter in your neighborhood.
go for it.

someday, when i am feeling very very ironic, i will be sporting a large bow to pick up my child from school.  I just have to figure out where to put it. None of my ideas seem appropriate. Maybe if I get my monk haircut (when I stop being overly paranoid about coldness) I can put the bow there. yeah, thats it...

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Trying to remember what I love.

SO. a list is in order today, on a day (well, now it was yesterday) when I am having wine because I used it for cooking and therefore, I am melancholy and slightly morose.  As the boys would say, good guys fight bad guys, so here is my list of good. . .
1. roasted vegetables, almost all of them. the less 'squishy', the better.
2. onions, anyway you cook 'em..
3. typing and saying, 'meh' or 'gah'... new favorites. . .
4. ellipses

hmmm... stuck ...
5. finding the camera.
6. the sun on the leaves when they are in full color change mode... blinding beauty! all over the place, even here in the urban landscapes...
7. voting. i love it, i do it all the time.
8. we do not have lice, repeat, we do not have lice.  I am even going to link to the product we used because it rocked the house.  Who else has that link? c'mon, you know you wanted to know... go look at how happy the people are at that site. seriously. go . look at the happy lice-free families...
9. afternoon sun.
10. holding hands with my kid on the way to school .

sometimes a list of ten is hard to come by. . .

Wednesday, November 3, 2010


with your deviant behavior...
a direct quote from 'Empire Records', one of my most favorite for-no-discernible-reason movies of all time. I wasn't even a teenager when I first saw it, so i don't even get to use that as an excuse.  i love the girls, i love the boys. i love it. The romance is the weakest part, and I love that.  i also love that Gwar is in it. 

i went back earlier today, a long day with no naps and no school as it is voting day here (i did, i voted... damn the man... [more Empire])
Damn the man.
anyhow, i went back and read last year's postings in the month of november and i almost feel like i am a different person now.  How is this possible?  How can I not have noticed these changes? drying up...  You bet your bippy i am judging them and feeling myself wanting. . .

and then there is the recurring thought that perhaps I am becoming repetitive because I have now been doing this here internetwriting for too long. the wierd circles of the damned of my intellect have shown themselves (teenmovies, faith, struggle, deafie, husbands, mothering, buffy, swedishfish, raising boys, blahblah) and are showing themselves again. huh.

again, i am wanting.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Gah, more awkward pauses.

SOMEtimes, the awkward pauses are in the house.  Its true.  Its not just the everlovin' battle that I have to not be a complete dork/loser with strangers, but sometimes it is here, on the homefront.  It is the worst, fucking literally heartbreaking.  My confidence is down, my throat hurts, I am all fidgety and flaky and lo and behold, I don't communicate well, and my long simmering resentments and other marital fidelities raise their pretty little venomous heads.  and it really sucks.  and it doesn't seem to help to recognize them, or to realize that they do not originate on my side of the fence (this time)... its a ride, an ugly twisted too fast ride that you don't tell anyone about when you get off, you just move away and don't choose that path again.. if you can help it... which, of course, I cannot.
and that, is marriage, day 9034. (random number, no genious here, thanks)...
when i very firstly posted, it was also about marriage and which would be more difficult, marriage or motherhood? still on the fence about it.  if you do them and suffer no slings and arrows, they keep going on and on forever. FOREVER.

AND... the pile of candy wrappers stashed behind the laptop screen is not going to help me when I hit the witching hour this afternoon.  no. literally Houston, we have a problem.  We're not going to make it, Captain. 

-Huh, this posting every day thing will be nice for me.  Not so sure about how it'll be for you, though...

Monday, November 1, 2010

NOMOHOHO, and away we go...

I'm going to try and do the daily posting for the month.  And, in light of the recent Halloween overload and the presence of much sugar in the house, I am renaming it NoMo HoHo*.  I remember last year's writing took place when I'd had much todo with the local constabulary and it had PoPo in the title.  we'll see how HoHo plays out.  I expect it to spread like wildfire through the hills of the world wide web.
we'll see how it goes.
I need to focus verbally and typographically on the things that are sort of blissfully noticed around here.
My kids really like to turn their daily activities into song.  really. the 5 year old and the almost 3 year old.  and that is really delightful, even when its a storm trooper killing an elk, its delightful.
our halloween was just fine, so many people in the neighborhood had their lights off that it was sort of pathetic, but the kids didn't really know that - and as most of the candy has been 'redistributed' already, its not yet all about the haul.  I love giving out candy at the door.  Its a chance to be the generous neighbor, the beneficent one at the door.  You get to see the families of the kids, the kids get to see you... i love it... and its warm and toasty inside. One more thing that is blissful about being the grown-up... heat and cozy become WAY WAY more easy to achieve.  ah.
so, here it goes, day one.

*(plus, i've already played tony bennet's christmas cd twice for the kids... they can't decide if it is rock and roll or jazz.... )