Friday, August 26, 2016

It was Day One...

Thursday, August 25, 2016


And I don't mean Maine, and I do mean Cape Cod.  With my mother and sister I embarked on my first family vacation without a husband... And believe it or not, I missed him.  I am not shocked by it, but my last few days have been full of grief and so I am not surprised... And the kids miss their goofy dad too. . . And then I didn't, because I actually, in myself, Was much more relaxed and able to see the reality that I both had, and still have. I am so much more than I was able to express while with him, with all of the accommodating and the background living. While he lives a kid-free life, doing yoga in the park while not arranging a babysitter first, or even realizing the difference, I want to fuck him up.  But then I remember what being a mother means to me, and how my marrow is married to the life that I am in now, as a whole part of a family...and was then, too... and it all smooths out. Mostly. It is complicated. Again and again and again.

His loss. In so many ways. And he'll never know.

And I'm here in the land of kitsch and tourist, and in the place we are staying it is very possible to escape the kitsch but it is a matter of turning your back, only.  The simplest and the most pointed action.

I'm asleep to the sound of the waves, and waking to the sunrise...and in the waters, and sands, the kids are sun-kissed and exhausted.

And I've got way better photos, but the colors are all like this...

Monday, August 15, 2016

Tit for tat..and then

Deepest sorrows ...
Bone deep and beyond.
thats what happened this week. the worry that all this was for naught, in the end, that there has been no change and will be no change...needed reminders from friends that there is a light somewhere at the end of one of these tunnels...

Its true that I'm not employed but not true that I don't have a job...  Being a mother right now, through all of this regular and still unexpected life change is a wild ride, and i'm more a fan of the giant slide on burlap sack than the rollercoaster.  I suppose i love those giant swings too, and the new fangled bungey bouncers, but I ride the rollercoasters in an obligatory sort of way... its okay, but i'm glad when its over and i'm not rattling in my adrenalin rush...

It's hard to know how to help the kids sometimes, when it feels like simple love and presence isn't enough, and there must be something 'right' to say, or some person to punch to make it all better. There isn't, there isn't. I'm just here for them, and it hurts to know they hurt anyways. No more kisses on the knees to make it all better.

And then

My old house: kids in the first tree they ever climbed, and a couple of hidden new additions...

I got my
 Old house that I love so much rented by someone who will make it a home again. It was an idea I had, that I acted on, that worked.  That hasn't happened to me for ages and ages. Maybe this, too, could be the way it is.

My family got a dog. It was a surprise, though I had filled out an application at the shelter. I got the call, drove to see, and drove home with a dog in the car. A puppy, even. I am in love officially, in that sensible way of recognizing the work that is, whilst having my heart open more and more incrementally with every rushed poo cleanup...

This and that, tit for tat.

Wednesday, August 10, 2016


after the
like pearls
across the dresser.
swallows in the evening,

shifting compositions.

Monday, August 8, 2016

More asterisks, and other things... I ask you.

**What do you do to sustain your energy throughout the day?  I don't expect to be WonderWoman and I"m fine with dips and things in my mood... my god, the witching hour of four pm is not to be underestimated...

old photo, good colors. 

but really, i can do an entire day's worth of work before nine o'clock in the morning, and spend the rest of the day in a fugue.  I"d like to sort that out a bit.  I don't mind the productivity burst, but want to spread myself more sustainably...

%%Is it food? Do i need to drop the coffee?

*$Who are you? Who has been reading here?  Its shown a great uptick in the past few months but I'm at a loss as to who it is.... will you tell me?

&& J doesn't want me to share these posts on social media because he thinks it may damage his reputation, which as a solo business person, is very important to his livelihood. I can understand that. But I do think these posts are all about me, and I've not castigated him in any way.  ...its the one place where I'm really self-serving, so there is a part of me which feels robbed by a further inability to share.

&&What do you think of that?

((the kids are slowly rousing. I told them I'd take them to the neighbors pool first thing this morning.  Why would I do that? Its going to be cold.  Why would I do that?

*& the eggs are on their way back to the street. Nobody bought any yesterday, but I think the 'shock' has to wear off and then it'll sway its way to an eggstop familiar.
which, of course, is a thing.

Sunday, August 7, 2016

Sunday morning.

Bullets without guns: a new productivity. A Sunday morning bubble wave.

Hang on...

* today I became an egg lady, eggs by the road, cobbled sign stuck to kids' old art easel..not much thought went into it, in the moment, which is probably why it actually got done...$4 a dozen for free-range organically-fed chicken eggs is an incredible deal and it's the first thing I've done in a long time that was on my list and that honestly made me smile, for real. I've been hemming and hawing about the thing for a month...what to have on the sign, how to show humor, etc. delay delay delay.

*today it got done.

*today I sledgehammered the legs off the table in my sewing room. Yes, an actual sledgehammer. Hope J wasn't hoping for it, but I actually don't care. Sledgehammering is good.  Now I have an easel of my own in there and plans for dismantling spaces further and further...

*today I had fresh, hot coffee. And got to drink it while hot.

*today I am listening hard to car speeds in curiosity...will they buy eggs?!

 ***these bullets are asterisks, and the teardrops radiate out from its tiny pause. That- is not my 'this morning' and that has made today a beauty.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Content, in this minute.

A rainy morning, a chill, finally, and I'm very content.  Sweatshirts are my bling.  Truly, a sweater is my diamond, and I'm always happier with wool nearby.

The kids are nestled on the sofa, one still sleeping in my bed. I've had my coffee and my one cigarette of the day.  I'm working on quitting, as it is a remnant of a past life, and it has gotten out of hand as a stress reliever.  I was almost at a pack in two days, and thats nobody's 'social smoking', and my body was feeling the weight. SO, one a day, maybe two when another phone call comes in, or 'sighting' that upsets.

Small steps.

Rainy morning and the skin feels like it is breathing for the first time in days and days.  Earlier the three was upset because her umbrella was outside getting wet.

Now she's running out, raincoat and umbrella and nothing else, to play.

There's no missing this, there is no missing this.

and so i am content .