Monday, January 30, 2012

Space and what to put in it... or how to leave it be. . .

So tell me this: why, when I clean my closet, get rid of a garbage-bag sized bag of clothing, a whole bin emptied (and put away) AND my old Doc Marten boots in the give-away pile, am I not filled with glee?  I was almost instantly morose.  What is this?  Some teenaged girl is going to pee herself when she sees these perfectly broken down boots at the Salvation Army thrift... and I don't want them anymore, so it is perfect. Was it the size changing I have done? The linen pants in a size four that I can't wear, no matter the season or the desire? hmm.  The clothing I have been given that I have never actually worn? The sweater chest? Do I fear the cold so much that I keep two cardigans for each day of the winter? Is it the looming need to keep going? to get the baggage that I carry down to a single shelf, a single hanging rack? a need to pare down until I have reality on my chest and nothing else?  It it hard, this skinpeeling, this un-layering, the hurt is real right now and the self-motivated nature of it makes me feel confused about why I am doing it, while feeling it is necessary to make the space, but wondering what will fill the space (if anything). 

I found a store in this town that is in a little shed behind a farmhouse... horses, mud, rusty metal and all... and the woman sells angel figures and things of beauty (?) that she has made while inspired and while i don't get all thrilled by figurines and things and so just bought some lavender essential oil and a deck of cards with 'angel advice' on them. ( i love things like this, like to draw a card and think about what it means all day... yesterday the card suggested i cleanse my chakras. go! rock on the newagey, i say!) ... anyhow... the lady's name was carla lee, or carlinely, or somesuch rythmic 'L' based name.. and she was a hardsmokin' lady on a farm and just was thrilled to be doing her thing, thrilled! and it was just so cool and I really like meeting people who are so far out and yet, working on being so GOOOD, and trying to live a wacko life based on the basic goodness of humanity, and the possibility of magical things being real.   If you saw this lady at the grocery store, you would have no idea that she was blessing everyone that she saw and asking her angels about which broccoli she should buy. (ok, maybe you could guess that part... :)

I'd like to start assuming this more often.  Maybe the boys who I went to highschool with, who are mostly cops now, maybe they are trying to be Good too.  Maybe I should give everyone the benefit of the doubt more often.  The other moms at the school pickup? All the grandparents?  I certainly don't want to go the other way, I don't. Can't we decide to believe that people are mostly Good? Maybe we're all trying to fight the good fight, in our small ways? Don't we engage in spiritual warfare, just to get through the day sometimes?  Is our seeking part of the bigger picture? What is going to fill our closets when we are emptying them of all these 'things'? shit, i have no idea. none.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Camera gone AWOL, amongst other things...

IT is pouring here, as in, have to turn the lights on to light the way... going to share my list of things done today, if only to prove to myself that I have, inf act done something in the past 40 hours.

1. Made cookies, with oatmeal, chocolate chips and cherries.  so good, i had to talk myself down from eating them all. really, i did. I was making them for an event at the Meetinghouse this weekend, so I really had to conserve and send them away, and I debated that. aloud, in the kitchen, alone.

2. Was reminded of this, because I shared about the cookies on facebook, verbally...  a whole post I have absolutely no memory of writing. yep. i do remember the comments, back in the day when I had comments. ehem.

3. Candyland. I lost everytime. my kids are cheaters.

4. Made copies of birth certificates for T-ball signups.  both boys, same team, same schedules, all day all night, i dream about sports. . . oh my good Lord, please get me to enjoy the sports. please. it is a long hard road I find before me if I do not enjoy the sports. 

5. Made bread, kids no eat dis stuff.

6. Laundry. folded and everything.

7. Moved chairs around in the unfinished pile of books room. Threw purple cloth in the FengShui Says spot of Abundance, because FengSHuiSays I should.

8. Made two blocks for a Quiliting Block Bee thing that I am doing with MamaMama ... in which we use up our gigantic crapstashes of fabric in hopes of making something of our dreams.  oh, dream away... I love having myself get all busy busy in the fabric. do love that.

9. Tidied. Washed Dishes. Laundry. oh, man.

10. Confirmed with the babysitter that she is, in fact, going to show up for 7 hours tomorrow.  SEVEN.

11.  Printed out a fabricated essay from a moshup of posts, which I now have to make funny and edit until it looks like something entirely different but still retains the same voice which is unfortunately, mine.

12. Realized I don't like the number 11 and so refuse to stop there. . .

thats what I'm talking about. 
40 hours? that includes a crap night sleep... sheesh. I'm not thinking I'm very busy busy these days. what the hell have I been doing?

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Death of Funny

Honestly, if I try to be funny, I'm like a lame horse, so not funny. limping, ungainly, unfettered from the defining characteristics of the thing.  horses are meant to gallop, lope, canter, even plod.... but not limp and hobble. . .
trying to get my writing to be funnier is hard for me, and if I let it go at that, the post will end.
would that be funny? or lame?

. argh.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Its 9:18 PM, Do you know where your children are?

One of mine is sleeping. the one who has to get up earliest, so there is that... there is a four year old bounding around upstairs and I am overwhelmingly done with him so I am down here hiding while his father tries to handle it all.  I can hear him, and that is something... what with my psychotic ears and all. I don't suppose psychotic is really the right word but can't really get a handle on my word choice in a quick enough fashion to satisfy my sense of alacrity of type.
if that be a phrase at all.
+No word on the writing/editing thing. Maybe I dreamed it. ?
+Saw Chakra Carol today, the reiki, cranial sacral, talk therapist I most treasure.  We talked, I realized things.  Fabu. I am in fact, changed, you know.  its true. I'm not what I was three years ago, and I am glad of it.  Rock my chakras, if you can. I also got to practice Reiki on her... come on, that is just nuts. It felt great. I love to touch my friends, man...
+Started the menstruation so the crazy is calming, thought you should know.
+Looking into Feng Shui because I have a wicked lot of time on my hands, what with the no-friends and all.
+Using plus signs as bullet points because I don't know what else to do while avoiding the never-ending bedtime routine going on upstairs. Now it is later that 9:18. Do I have to change my really catchy post title?
Do I ?

Monday, January 23, 2012


I'm feeling sortof off, lonely (sortof)... feel like I'm doing a lot of waiting for shoes to drop.  Alot of pretty changes are happening around here, and its not all just snow.
=The homelife is going through some radical changes that I am too scared to talk about and risk tempting the witchy fates. bitches. I don't want it to end, and that makes me so sad and certain that it will.  I am probably overly hormonal today, as if that were to effect some change in my reading of the world. or yours.  I just have to be okay with it ending, or stuttering, or changing to something gross or beautiful ... and what then? I'm not sure how much faith and patience I have to muster.
=A friend from high school offered to submit some of this here writing to a magazine/site he works for... he offered, i didn't know said piece existed or that he was reading here, so that was clearly cool.  But I have not alot of good feelings about reading much of my old stuff and I spent a weekend going over and over old posts to try and see what people would like to read and it did a bit of a number on my soul. So perhaps I am not cut out to edit, look at this as a doorway through which to shove my humor and typing skill. I put so many things behind me, so easily sometimes.  Maybe there is an irony in here, as this is certainly a public way to journal... and to have someone point out that it is, in fact, public?  awful. I am not quite able to feel clean about it right now. Tomorrow?  I also feel ridiculous for not being that excited.  what am i, an idiot?
=Doing yoga again, out in public, with other people. The first class I was youngest by 20 years.  The second, I wasn't the youngest, twice. So its a nice mix.  I wish like hell I knew how to talk to strangers when doing a common task. 
=My hearing is pissing me off and making me sad. (hormones) In Meeting, people stand up and speak when the light strikes them in the heart. so cool.  Unless they are looking right at me, and are nearby me, I don't know what they are talking about.  and dude, that just sucks.  not only do i not get to share in what has struck them, but i am having to be general in my support of them, and I want specifics. 

So, its sortof a wash. 

Friday, January 20, 2012


We finally have some. seriously. it is mid-january and we got our first snow at the new digs and it is probably less than two inches but I am going to keep everybody home so we can pretend its a really big storm.  I may regret this, its true... but right now, while they are all still asleep, i have visions of popcorn and hot chocolate and tracking footprints through the yard... what IS out there all night? lets feed the birds, now that there is finally snow... lets throw seed to the wind!  maybe i can finally carry the christmas tree to the back and we can slather IT with peanutbutter and seed balls? oh bliss... in the quiet pre-dawn light, today could be really cool....
(i know there is a wide range of 'average' snowfall, but if I am wicked excited about an inch and a half of snow, it is a little bit spooky...)

Happy SNOW DAY!!!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012


Took the kids to an organization nearby yesterday morning... we lasted an hour at cleaning and sorting clothing and toys to be dispersed to social workers and case workers asking for things for their kids, sometimes in foster care, sometimes in shelters...  My six was a powerhouse with the toothbrush, cleaning crevices in a dora house of somesort... my 4 was a powerhouse of wandering amongst the toys and wanting to try them all out.  Its a very kid-friendly environment and I hope to make it a more regular event for the boys.... yesterday was Martin Luther King day and there were hundreds of people there helping out. hundreds. dozens of teen groups, pockets of retirees, few little family groups like mine.  . . .
I have a pretty good feeling about my relationship with G-d, most of the time... but there are times when I am ashamed of my gluttony and my overwhelming plenty.  I get the same feeling on Martin Luther King day... what am I doing to make things better? really? I try to recycle. I donate food and money to the Council on Aging. dude. yes, it is something...but it is so damn little.  I compost.  I try not to throw trash out the car window, pretty successfully.  someone give me a prize.

 is composting what its all about? turning things over? I knew the kids would have a hard time looking at all the toys all morning, so I told them if they worked hard, I would get them something on the way home. We shopped at a Savers, a local thrift-type chainstore... all second hand...
The effect on me at seeing thousands and thousands of toys was pretty astonishing.  I don't think I"ll buy anything 'new' for a long time.  so crazy that there is so much out there... how many toy phones can one planet hold?
call me, on one of the toy phones you have, and tell me what the answer is...

Saturday, January 14, 2012

How can I avoid football? really. i want to know.

short of leaving the house, (running away), i am stuck here for what appears to be another 'very important game'.  man. there will be yelling at the tv, standing up and shouting at the tv, and possibly throwing things at the tv...the greatest benefit will be the pizza., and the soon-to-arrive-cousins will entertain the thrilled boykids in spades.

before we got married, hubsJ and I went to a weekend retreat for engaged couples run by a catholic organization up in new york state. it was flatout gorgeous, oh my honey... gorgeous old monastery on the hills above the hudson.  oh my.  and i think now that the things they wanted us to talk about were important... big issues that should be aired publicly before getting hitched to one another's stars.  but most of the time? by engagement, the dye is already sealed.... whether it be willfull ignorance or naivete, the belief that differences will be smoothed out after the marriage has settled in ... oh my... can't believe it isn't the most common illusion on the books there. . . the one thing i do remember and refer to regularly is that one of the old couples that ran the retreat kept saying that you must be willing to make the 'decision to love' in the hardest moments. you must. imperative.
all that.
i've always held it close and tried my best when i needed to...

but football?
a decision to love ?  oh hell.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Interior Detail of a Trap...

The youngest, the runner, the recently 4... is a maker of traps, of so many kinds that it is almost inconceivable how easy it is to lapse into metaphor.  There is string involved, and tape and the objects of the day... and the badguys are invisible and have never yet fallen into their pits of doom, but it seems to be fairly irrelevant which suits me also, to a T.
It is rainy and cold here, but not enough to freeze and give us snow. just muck, and chill. and I slept like crap last night, and I'm not sure why but i do know it was compounded by the early arrivals of the two boys into the space which can't support their lank anymore... so - complaint complaint, blagh blah... everything is fine, i'm on reserves but thats a regular beat... and what have you?
I'm making a stew in the slow cooker, for which I doubled the meat portion to suit my protein happy boys and man.  realized the MAN won't be home til very late, after we are all abed and if he doesn't lead the protein pack, the boys will eat very little so now I will have leftovers for way too long.  and its fine, but I make things like stew and meatloaf to satisfy and possibly satiate hubsJ and when he is not here, I would be fine with a bagel and an egg.  so there is that. but it certainly will smell good as it cooks today. certainly.
     In between the times of extreme boredom I am productive in a weird way, and only in typing it do I realize it to be true.  Sometimes it is the slowmotion nature of the day that gets to me the most.  The constancy with which I pay attention and try to distract myself and their interplay can make such an exhaustion that I get to the end of the day and remember nothing of it whatsoever.  My one 'task' today is the visit to the grocery store... and it is a battle to get the boy dressed, a battle to complete a fort/building/house/dam ... ah. complaint, complaint. blaghu. accchhhhuuuuu...
bless you too...
its all fine, and I mean it.. I just need to remind myself... its all fine.  no trap. just the way that it is right now. no trap.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

My youngest is a will o' the wisp...

whoosh, like the wind he disappears.  A flickering light over the marshes... luring strong men and maidens to their doom... He runs from grandparents, fathers, from Sunday School teachers on a hunt for seashells and so many more... so many more...
a lot less funny and yet more worrying than that ridiculously annoying gingerbread man. 
Luckily, or un-luckily, depending upon who you are... he is usually trying to find his mother, because while he is a willful runner, he is also freshly entered into the mama's boy Hall of Fame.   He can't go to sleep unless I am in the room, can't watch tv alone even... yep.... can't tell you how much I look forward to this phase moving on... and i know there is a time coming when he won't even sit on my lap for a dollar, or slather me with kisses all over my elbow when I bang it... i know this is coming.  but I am tired of talking about his ability to bolt at church, I am tired of watching DJ Lance.  (more than tired, but I am trying not to swear.)
Short of breaking his legs (which would only serve to give me heavier lifting...) I am not sure how to curtail the bolt.  hinkypunk.

Other than that, I am battling morose, yet again. So here is my required list of gratitudes, to battle the morose:
1.  I CAN hold my own interest when building structures with the above-mentioned runner, and that is good, because he can build things all the livelong day.
2.  Drove down to the water yesterday after dropping the runner at school...ate a muffin while watching seals bob around.  How many times in life does one write that?
3.  January sunlight is like a popsicle in July.  lights up all the corners with its magical drips..
4.  Laundry machines in my very own house. laundromats, a thing of my past...
5.  blanket forts.
6.  raw almonds.
7.  scotch tape. unstuck. potential in bloom.
8.  pad thai.  i am so glad that it exists. i am.
9.  Put 'Goonies' on the Neflix list.  oh my, i am excited to see it again...
10. tea with honey. lots of honey.

Monday, January 9, 2012

SO, what about it?

The connections? If we're all one and all connected in the same intergalactic glowwaterpoolnet... then what? I'm responsible for my actions and yours and my history, and yours... and so are you.  and it seems too much to bear, sometimes.... that the 'toddlers and tiaras' moms are my job. I believe that the kids are so resilient that they'll make it out just fine.  I mean, there are NOT 42 million 'pageant girls' running around chugging pixie sticks, right? So, I worry for the stress levels of a mom who is obsessed and wonder what is is that drives the obsession, again.  There certainly are a lot of obsessions out there, drugs, drink, wine at five to get through the night, bigger, more, faster; connection has been replaced by a constancy of contact which we are all exhausted by... although different names for the exhaustion abound. 

so many people are seeking more contentment, more simplicity, more joy, more space... it seems a lot 'more' in the end. maybe its less we should be seeking, and by seeking we may not find 'less'... maybe we should just cease all the seeking and just start keeping our eyes open...sometimes at least...

-this post is one of the reasons I didn't do very well in college-level philosophy classes, saying little in a too-large space... and making the reader suffer in the meantime...

my apologies...

Thursday, January 5, 2012

HubsJ put the boys to bed...

oohlala. HubsJ put the boys to bed, and I am left all alone with the whole house and its nightly settling.  Its been happening more and more lately and I find myself sitting down in front of the tv with a gnarly fist clamped down on the remote ... but I think it is going to be shortlived, this tv watching... its too upsetting.
last night I saw Glee which I love for its music and crazy unreality...then Zooey who I have a crush on but its quite sad really, as I am old and heterosexual, and married and not really that 'cool'... ...  and then I saw "toddlers and tiaras."...
let me just say I'm all concerned about these kids and their moms.  I'm also concerned about obesity in Southern Georgia, because it is a very clear problem.  I'm concerned for the dichotomy in our culture that allows for both shows to be so wildly popular in such varying degrees of involvement, in such different, seemingly unrelated populations..  (although, wildly popular may be a wild guess as I have no idea how ratings and such are for either/any show.) 

IF we are all one and interconnected, then I am stymied as to my connection to babies on stage and the moms who are so desparate for their girls to 'perform'... I DO know that there is a tremendous amount of money involved in these little pageants, maybe that is a big driving principle there... a dream for economic stability, cost be damned... maybe there is a dream for the girls to land on Glee, in fact... in a few more years, or some Disney show for teens and preteens... what is it? what is this?  money money money?

what is the connection? why does it feel so fine to watch handsome dolls and dudes singing in highschool hollywood but so wrong to see young ones doing it? how far apart are they really? the costumes aren't that different...
and what is my role in it, as watcher? 

and by not watching I change nothing? as it is a 'real thing' that happens, in the case of the pageants...
if I stop watching Glee, it could be cancelled I suppose, and they'd all get other jobs ...
so what? whats the connection? Everything means something, everything. 


what about this one?

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

What do you want?

really, i suppose its too much of a New Year's Thing... the assessment of what is, will be and will become and what our hopes are when we open our eyes after the wishes are made and the candles blown out...
I've been having problems with my old familiar rut lately, so much that I think I'll be heading into another 'cleanse*' at the end of the month, of the house, the food, all of it...we need more light and there is too much blocking the windows...

*(this is how I do that:

My rut and I are very old friends, and it is so cozy down there. so cozy. So when I think about resolutions and dreams for the future at the New Year, I have a hard time getting out of the box.  I've put some serious consideration into what it is I'd like to change and really, I'm having a hard time thinking about goal-oriented specifics... or maybe its just that I don't feel my language capability is equipped for the 'new-ageyness' of it all... i'm not all sparkle, glimmer and sunshine, see?  A dinner mate told me over the weekend that I was a loner.  Is this true? I have no idea. I'm certainly alone a lot. sheesh. I don't even know.  And she IS a girl of sparkle and glimmer. dude.

 ... and it isn't that I'm so content that I can't see the change possibilities.  I wish...(ah, but I don't really, I can't formulate an actual wish... and therein, post-subject #5497) ...  I have a great life in many ways, but it is not filling me up with joy, and I'd like some more of that. I want to spread the damn stuff around. At the very least, I'd like to make it easier to access the joy on a regular basis.     Some of that, for me, is eating better, remembering to do yoga in a pointed daily-type way, and getting more time to meditate.  I AM going to clear more space...stop acquiring, go on a purchasing-boycott...  even my lovely quiet space at the top of the stairs is gathering 'things' and I am changing that, maybe even today... I'd like more music in my life... being a hearing-impaired fool makes it hard to listen to much new stuff, as it sounds like seaslush melody and I can't make out lyrics at all... so I've decided that I might need to teach myself an instrument... music welcome! come on in, lady muse, come on in...
Making it public is step one.  What else have I made public? not much. not much. hm. I think I need to step back from feeling how public this is and step back into just writing about my life and what it contains.  I think it'll help me feel more connected, to myself and to the few friends I've got reading this... less conspicuous and more intimate?
What do I want?
can anyone help me with this one?

Monday, January 2, 2012

Pools O' Plenty

We're good here.  I'm so happy that the blitz that is the Holiday Season has finished, and now I can focus purely on the sparkle and institute a no-buy campaign (economy be damned!) for the next month.  (with the exception of sugared treats, most importantly my long-lost swedish fish... like the prodigal son, they have returned...  and i have to buy them. i do.) And yes, the vegetables, they will return as well, even (possibly) topping the lurking swedish pesces. . .

I've been ruffled this week, but am settling my still waters so that they can flush me deep with abiding chill once again.  boy, don't you wish i wrote sentences that treacle-y every single day? don't you? COME ON.
abiding chill? hmm.
well, i am looking forward to chills and snows, and darkness and light and all that there is to come for the next three months.  Went to a wonderful bonfire on New Years Day and boy, it was beauty unleashed... sparking right up to the sky in swirls and blues reds yellows orange... so amazing.  a metaphor of what will be, what has been and what is?
Make it a good one...