Friday, December 7, 2012
please please, remind me, next year, how overstimulating and heartaching and painful i actually find the shopping madness that befalls me ... the certainty i feel in disappointment... yes, that is a certainty that drives me completely insane. and i look at all the other shoppers and what they have in their carts and how much i wonder about their money life, their consumption, their wildly Enormous boxes. Is this their only shop of the season? is it? are they done now? Are their kids more happy then mine? If i get them an enormous box, will they be safe and happy for the rest of their lives? I'm not even being smarmy or sarcastic here... I want these things for them, and I want the box it comes in, no matter how much money or space it takes.
I've done more this year online, because of the baby and things like the carseat- which, if it had been filmed, would have sent all sorts of doctors running to my door, i am a loose cannon of disastrous weep. - i barely kept it together for the almost-five sentient being who lives here, explaining terms like frustrated to his vocab-loving self. learning learning, always learning... these spongy chillins.
i like the mom and pop experiences of shopping much better but i'm clearly having a difficult time getting out of the house. there is a birthday here before the big fat redman makes his way to emasculate the tiny boy Savior. and i am upset over so many things and today is just a lot of fucking weep to handle. so i am working on it, and reminded of my need to seek out quietude and calm and maybe expect less and get my mind out for a cold and long walk, even if my body and mothering self cannot.
chakra carol wants to come to my house. do you think she saw the video? maybe the weep went viral.
maybe she heard that we're going to chuck e cheese next weekend and she needs to save me from myself. maybe she doesn't really work that way, but I think I'll take her up on her visit, so I can save myself from me. the work is always mine, and i'm just fucking tired of it today.