Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Fluidity in Mothering (single style)

Some of this is blather, and I know it. So listen up.
There is a lot of learning about mothering going on here, as I do it by myself with these kids, and it's all on my curve, and at my pace.  It helps really, when I think of the kids themselves, in their individuality, that much hasn't changed in their understanding of their parents, whether in shared home, or not. I'm still and forever THE MOM (as J is their Dad, blaghblah) and what I have to give them is the very best that I can.  And the very best that I can is me in my fullest iteration.

This may sound like hooey, and I get it. But do you get me in this?

IN the space I have now, I have this immediate sense, when I do something I don't like with them, this sense of 'wrongness' in my own action, that I can ACT upon, that I can do something about.
And I do.  Which is different than before, when I was just awash in disappointment in all the adults of the world, and I would just drop back, and acquiesce, and feel bad.  Now THere is a real fluidity to my parenting that could only happen in my case, when there wasn't this large elephant of an unhappy marriage in the way, a constant resistance and 'try try try' and oh, that poor battle-wearied woman...
So the fluidity, the engagement in relationship is making a whole new understanding of mother-child, and it's pretty damn amazing.
Most of the time.

This isn't really to say that J was the reason I was unsatisfied in my skills as a mother.  He was just full of his own struggles and it took over my inner world, to the detriment of all, and I allowed it to happen. Me.
It's just that now I have space and consciousness and awareness in a new way, because I have shed some of that strain and disappointment.  I have discovered the lion's share of my own pride. (Again, so pun-ny and unintentional, you see it?)

Pride is a cocksucker, really, in a bad way, and makes people take actions against the better instincts they may have.  In my case, I think a healthy dose might balance out all the shame I carried during my marriage, so I am reveling in it for the moment. I have faith that I'll keep it from taking over and being a primary force as I move around in this world.