Monday, February 6, 2017

anticipation predilection

* oh god! Predilection was spelled wrong.  OH GOD. Ugh. Heebies...

i've set myself a task to use my writing desk as a writing desk. to look into what i want to do with a sense of anticipation.
to look into who i am with a sense of anticipation.



its a very mysterious collection of moments for me at the present and i confess to being entirely ignorant of where it is going.

right now i am just starting a series of ideas in type that i can work with at a later date.  it feels like a good start and i'll feel good that i've gotten two down.

I worry, even as i move along, that if i plan, or organize, something will be lost from me and my voice. I'll be swallowed by page upon page of grocery list, moon phases or journal entries...

I suppose it it the same risk that my kids are facing, when they discover something that isn't easy for them, and it throws them, and makes them doubt themselves.
What would i tell them? How it might mean more to work at something, really own it, mold it with the sweat of your brow? And that risk is scary and one needs to recognize bravery in the heart. Sometimes it won't work out, and sometimes it will.

And if i tell myself that? Am i really in a place to believe myself?

...When i have a daily battle to sweep those little niggling fears out the door... those 'will i be alone?'s and the 'ofcoursehesmarried, i'm not meant for THAT kind of guy'..'he wouldn't like me anyway'... they are momentary, but sometimes they can darken the room in their shadow fall ... the work to sweep them is a necessary vigilance...
When i have this daily struggle, how do I face the kids with solidity and surety?

How do I make the struggle and the insecurity worth the value of sweat? Is that a sentence that you can get through? When you are not even sure that you are invited to play, how do you convince yourself to give it every.last.breath.? How do you decide which direction to run?

Its hard enough to do for myself, how do i make it a blood-knowledge in the kids? That the risk joins its brothers on the grandstand...

(I found this here old post half-started, and I wonder if I have already used pieces of it? It echoes on itself... and so I risk repetition and I do hate that ...)