Thursday, March 7, 2013

Self-love gone awry...

I'm not being very kind or forgiving to a whole lot of people in this post, much less myself.  there is always work to be done and today i expose how much work i have to do to make myself more proud of who i am and more humble as well...  so there. i am spoiled, almost entirely - spoiled.

we women of good fortune to have so much leisure time :
good lord, these ever-growing circles of glowing... pushing, all circular, all-inclusive. self-congratulating, oh, the virtual love that spreads so heavily on women who seem to have nothing to do but spread it. . . back and forth, back and forth... even the 'honesty' seems coerced and all the left-out bits are where it is really at.
circles as exclusive devices. c.s.lewis says something about that somewhere and its good _and right, because he says it...
are you 'evolved'? are you on a 'journey'? don't you want to make gagging noises in the corner?
argh, the yin and yang of this time in our lives, we women of time and privilege to search. how many strands of white christmas lights have gone to their young deaths because of our need for glitter?

in mothering: self-love expansion, in the five year old, not understanding co-dependency and the years of mothering...and what they have to do with trying to teach a five year old some perspective. damn.
self-love and self-kindness being all that there is, he not seeing a wider world, outside the circles, outside the 'what I have.'... how do you give a kid that? how to expand his circle? make its walls permeable?
and if i, his flawed mother, cannot help the sneering cynicism, when i look at 'their' circles? how do i get beyond myself?

how to get more out of it? how to stretch the self-love until it reaches beyond the here and now, this skin? how to teach kindness as an expansion out of the circle... kindness for oneself as a gift to others as well. not the simple (but valued) kindness to the checkout girl, but the deep abiding ones... kindness in taking care of myself, taking care to impart what is good and fair and important to me, and trying to leave the ugly behind, choosing my left-out bits one at a time, when the times are right.
to leave my co-dependent awarenesses behind and be kind because it feels so good and right and makes my kids feel so good and if i teach them by modeling, how can it go awry? teach them my ugly bits and how to combat them with goodness and the work of my life. . . work, rest, work, rest, circling back, focusing in, out, in... out...

maybe i just have to teach them breathing. . .