Thursday, May 23, 2013

jerk (i, me)

my god, it is so easy to write about other people's problems.  i mean, i like it... the distance from the matter of the situation that lets me see them so 'clearly'.... their garish taste. their monotonous drivel, unrelenting gossip... their unexamined lies to themselves. i seem to spend an awful lot of time thinking about other people and their stupid stupid selves, and, amazingly, how little they and i value each other.
but i've been trying so hard in these last weeks to cut it out of myself, this judgement of others, my own lie to myself, when its not really about 'them' at all, but just a disjointment somewhere in my own self.  and really, i find its only possible to shut my stupid stupid lying to myself brain down when i am alone.  alone.  otherwise i have to sit quietly in a corner, focusing on the grey in my hair.
does this bode well for my sanity and the sanity of the family which coalesces around me every day? no. no it does not.

(of course, this does not mean that the lies other people tell themselves don't still exist, or that there aren't idiots out there. of course there are, its the natural thing, right? all sorts, all fiddles, etc. )

Sunday School singin':
all god's creatures got a place in the choir. some sing low, some sing higher, some sing out loud on the telephone wire..
some just clap their hands, or paws, or anything they got

plus, the baby is in an incredibly cute phase, on all fours, pre-crawling, full of vim and vigor, but not moving unless she uses her belly as a fulcrum.  it is completely astonishing, heartbreaking and amazing to realize i am going to forget this . . . as i have with the other two.  amazing.  memory is so malleable.  would that i were as well.

so there it is.

man, its occurred tome like ten times in the past week to quit this blog. i am fishing. tell me not to so i have an outer impulse. yes?


MotherOfGooses said...

You know, I am starting to think that a blog is like a drawer I can pull and have a little space that is all mine. No committees have to be formed, no threats issued, no weary arguments are required to enter. I need that space less at certain times and more at others. Sometimes it makes me feel too vulnerable and I wonder, but for the other times it makes me see in new ways. Keep that space.

amyontheroad said...

Don't. Do. It. You're too good at this!