the car is packed. i'm ready to go.

albeit, a different car from the car that was packed last night. yes, there is suddenness of kaput engines, and a dropping of a sailboat, and other things less fun.

but, we are packed, for the second adventure of the summer, a camp trip that rests itself eight hours from here. yes, eight. . . (and my husband did the shopping for the car ride... do you hear the panic?).  and because it has only been one week since the last adventure, i am in a full spin and spilling out gasoline all around me.  this is not quite what starts us off strong, in case you wondered. not quite. the bags were hardly unpacked, some not unpacked, and i was packing anew, on top of what was left unpacked. who knows what lies beneath? i do have diapers and wipes and babyfood, i do know that. and sleeping bags.  the rest will have to sort itself out.
sometimes i have to remind myself that every day, every experience is 'real life'.  this is it.  families are whacked, things do not go as planned but what happens is what happens, and there isn't a 'dream circumstance' in which what happened, really doesn't.  dig?  grammar gets tricky with my radically unclear sentence structure.  yes, yes it does. 
so here, while i am in this lull before they all awaken, i am drinking leftover coffee so that i can clean the coffee press and bring it with me.  in this lull, i am recovering. i am insistent upon my own recovery. i will aggressively pursue my own recovery, because this whole 'being the linchpin' thing is for real.
what is a lynchpin? does it have something to do with lynching? shoot. the bastards of language.

but i am ready, and i just want to get out of here, and i am caught by 'lull' and the usage of quotation marks is not giving me a verifiable clarity .   shoot. bastards.

BASTARDS.


(in pursuit but not arrived.)