Thursday, August 8, 2013

Sweetness gone sour, and then reversing. people are strange.

back and forth, and back and forth.

I had two boys at camp yesterday. wild freedom, indeed.  Little babe and I tried to watch some tv and some 'freemovies' and then some netflix specials and each time, every time, saw about 10 minutes of some sweetly wistful romantic movie and had to turn it off.  what time does to the romantic soul? the romantic soul requires reality as it ages, the movies and their pretend games, (their bits left out, the 'after' the big dramatic finish? ) don't cut it, make me curious about who the actors are dating in real life, how many marriages they have been through in their tenderness...

I keep thinking about smoking, found myself last night, trudging up the stairs for 'bedtime' full of resentment for everything, *just* wanting a cigarette and i realized that i was all full of struggle for something that *just* wasn't.  i wasn't at all focused on where i was, what i was doing, who i was with, at all.  so i gave up the ghost, and put the kids to bed in a much better frame of mind.  this was a wonderful happening, and i hope to get myself to do it more often.

Yesterday was my first of three days with both boys at camp... I had a hard time filling the space, couldn't watch movies and ended up taking down one string of christmas lights (out of many) that did not work, used another to help prop up a giant tomato plant, and hung more laundry on the line.  I didn't feel overly freed, but i was certainly able to get out of the house more readily, more simply, which has whatever value you give it, i suppose.

In the evening, we had another family supper, extendeds along.  I am so overwhelmingly overwhelmed at this point, need a nice consolidated break from extensions. boy, cigarettes are fantastic after things like that. and boy, not having one was good too.

Today things are quiet, I visited my mom and dad with the wee one, my mom has been in and out of the hospital all summer and has now been home for almost two weeks.  she has a surgery and starts radiation next week, which'll go for three weeks before a reassessment.   It is wildly strange, all this change outside myself. 

Last time I went to Chakra Carol, there had been a mixup of times and I was on the 'can't do it' end of things.  I was so sad, but resigned, and ended up at the grocery store for a slow browse.  Took my big kid for the next time with her and have now been without therapy almost all summer.  I am doing pretty well, considering, although the romantic in me would like to be seeing more in the world, more of the small bits, the cups of coffee made just right, the evenings slow, the evenings with live music and kids dancing and bobbing. what makes the world go round seems to be all those little bits, and it doesn't seem that we share the good as quickly as we share the aggression and the petulance.  meh.

i think i should get a swing and put it in my living room.  its gigantic, so there is room.  yes?