Thursday, April 9, 2015

I have low blood pressure. (thrills yet? )

anyhow, i do. i have low blood pressure.  laughably low. rest assured, i am a living thing, i do have blood moving around in here, but it is leisurely... in no hurry to travel the whole shebang at anyone's whim.  and what this means to me is little, but weighty.  my extreme appendages tend to get cold.  aaaah, fingers and toes baby.  i try to keep them swathed in woolens but honestly, now that the winter has been crushed beneath the unfrozen damp, woolens are a chore.  and today is the most perfectly damp spring day, and i am in great sufferance with my chilly digits.  i feel in good wutheringheights-like company... british damp having the most literary presence ever. . .

i kid about the great suffering. i've got a barely sick toddler watching doodlebops, i've turned all the heat in the house down to a no-central-heating temperature, and i'm downright sexual with the coffee mug. i don't kid anyone that this is suffering. but, oye, my digits.

i'm making a real effort to write because i do like this aspect of my personality to have an outlet.  but it is hard.  things are hard here, and i'm weary.  my hubsJ has been gifted my dad's leather coat and while it is on him, its all good.  when it is hanging on the back of the chair, or on the coat hooks, the absence and loss are all that i can see. the small details like the snaps at the cuffs, the way the collar folds, how it would look all zipped up... the hanging of it suggests all its emptiness and i am all forlorn again.

 hubsJ says Yeats has something to say about that too, that only age can make one understand. . . but i can't find it, and yeats is sometimes too beautiful to peruse.

my mom is going to have to have more procedures. all is not clear.

the anticipation this spring is almost like an adrenalin-crash, if that crescendo/fall be possible. i'm waiting so hard it hurts. 

and i have the deepseeded belief in hope. and i'm heavy-lidded with cynicism.  and thats a hard mix. and one for which we must need weep. '

ah. i think i need to go peruse.  

best to you, 



Jen said...

I hospitalized myself last week for just the oppostie. Higher than,.,,, like I should be dead high. We should comingle and get it right.

Kate Hall said...

GAAAH! you okay snowmama? be whomever you chose, but don't be dead. right?

Kerry said...

Don't stop the hope. It's real. And what you wrote about the jacket is really beautiful.

Keep on.

Kate Hall said...

Thanks Kerry. trooping onward and upward...