Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Where the wise men are...

Living in the sneakers these days... we all are... in times of difficulty, we're choosing comfort, some of us for speed/ease of motion/escape, some of us for sanity/escape/restlessness... its all in your perspective if there is any difference in all those choices.  sometimes what we choose for comfort is ultimately a miss, a danger to us.  you drink? you smoke? you eat fast food? (me: two of the three)

danger. danger.  what our pleasures are? the long game? are we shorting ourselves? of course moderation makes a difference. of course. but then, sometimes the long game makes it look less like moderation, right?

today i exercised, in my sweatpants and with sweat all included.  sneakers too.  messed up hair,  and flailing, lots of flailing.  there was nothing pretty about it. at all.  but i'm trying to take small steps to make myself stronger, to be 'in it' for the long game.  for my kids, yes, but mostly for me.  to have more faith in my own strength, to open my own doors, so to speak.

this past month i've been exercising every day. one day off a week.  this is the most consistent i've been about ANYTHING in my whole life, possibly.... exception child rearing, but that is different from minute to minute and seems to be all 'fly by the seat of my pants' type action. . . but this consistency?  was there a catalyst? nah.
i don't know.  i'm getting stronger.  i bought a new pair of jeans, and a fitbit bracelet. (expensive pedometer. not sure how i feel about it just yet. its just a pedometer! gah. got it on cyber monday so it was at least not full price... )  but otherwise, its all internal, and i have a quote on the board that says 'nobody but you'.... and it works for me, to remember that the work is mine, and nobody but me is going to know if i work hard, or not, and nobody but me is going to see the changes, and nobody but me is responsible for myself. I've been home with kids for a little over nine years, and I can't say that I've made the most of it, sometimes i feel like i've wasted it, in terms of my own self. and then other times, i just point (internally) to the kids and let it rest at that.  its a betwixt and between space.

I get confused as to what it is that i value.  I HATE that i now want to 'talk' about exercise.  man, i feel like such a chump, downright embarassed by my subject matter.  do you know what a 'surrender' is?  oh my gawd, a killer. (do you see how chumpy i am, holy smokes.) and, after 9 years of being home, and 14 of being married, I realize how little I value housework and domesticity... and thats hard to incorporate into a stay at home mom's self-impression.  and right? i value OTHER people's housework and domesticity, i do.  but just not mine.
what is that about?!
and what do i do about it? geesh.
i don't know.  i could start writing again?  i sure do value THAT.