I'm having a hard time with the writing these days, here, because i have to continue to be vague, and its just a real stymie to style. I spent all those days in the past talking about 'ruts' and walnut hearts and all the sorts of pains i was feeling that were unnameable in order to protect j and to mask my own unhappiness with him, although at the time I thought it was more general than that. I don't think I realize the depth of my unhappiness until he chose another. It unmasked a lot of the delusions i had been living with... including many ideas of marriage and vow and faith and even love; what understandings i had of those things were all jumbled up in assumptions that were not real. So.
And now i'm not that interested in protecting j, and i was asked to protect his reputation and so many of the things i want to write about involve facts that i shouldn't share.
So what to do?
Really. Tell me.
One of my kids might be a conduit to the gods. Just so you know. The things he says to me in his moments of clarity between the moments of goof and hilarity are so strong, and so pointed and so challenging, it is really amazing. Amazing.
I do wonder about the magic in that... which is not to say that is is easy. He's asking me to move on in ways that I am not quite sure I am ready to do, but which I know are in my future.
I got some kickass shoes. They are my harken back shoes... like Hollah back, but I was an English Major in school and it spurts out in weird ways like this...
I feel that my last decade was full of things i didn't have a choice about, and i went on a track that felt so out-of-control, and i was just along for the ride, found it thrilling and nauseating but/and now i am much more conscious, and yes, my shoes are a reflection of how flat and close to the earth I would like to be... and color-full.. COLOR FULL!!!!
I may finally have to give up the notion that i will wear heels commonly, like chelsea handler, and i think i'll be pretty okay with that. But i'll meditate on it some more ... :)