Friday, January 23, 2009

Why not write more about spouses?

I've thought a lot about how often and much I'd like to write about my husband here. Its my only outlet and sometimes, my only conversation with an adult (supposedly someone else reads this...) for days. So why not use it for therapy and for some sort of release of all marital strife? Again and again, I sit down to vent my anger and spleen- by the by, Chakra Carol says my spleen is full of disappointment- in this space. And again and again, I subvert, divert, slip away from direct expression. And I think its like the way I'm watching the process of my aging, there is a certain distance from it, though some details are shining through. My hands are becoming incredibly beautiful as they age, thinning skin- I have onion paper hands. In looking at my marriage, I already spend too much time on thinking those things that I do not like about my husband. I don't really want to spread anger and resentment throughout the one time I have this 'outlet'. OF course, I am also aware that he reads here, its not simply a 'venting' if one's ventee is watching, it becomes some part of a battle done offstage, but not less warlike. I'd like to believe that I have enough respect for my spouse that I don't need to sputter obscenities online in order to communicate anger or rage. It is hard for me to say sometimes the things that are beautiful about my marriage, but using this place to vent would make it impossible for me to 'unsay' the negatives and would bely the beauty that there is, was and will be again. . .