Thursday, January 1, 2009

Heart Chakra Walnut

so. I went to Chakra Carol, who makes me feel cared for in a very nice way. However well my sacral chakra may be doing right now, my heart chakra is a walnut. yes, friends, a walnut. Carol had her hands on my heart and said, 'oh, now I'm in... whoops, no, now I'm out. geez, Okay, here goes again... nope, out. " So says the professional nutcracker.. a walnut. I have some issues regarding trust, it seems. I"m not sure that I trust GOd to take care of me anymore. I sure used to. I certainly don't think my husband can. It is sometimes hard to keep self-sufficiency from feeling so lonely . I keep my disappointment in my spleen and my distrust in the walnut shell around my heart.

Got it? My god, i feel like a loon. My moments of Grace these days surround memories of c.s.lewis' lion, aslan, and the feelings that I had when I was a twelve year old and believed unrelentingly in that lion as the hero of all. That year, my mom told me Lewis was a christian and the whole series was nothing but a shade retelling of the bible stories. I was literally crushed, I remember the entire time she was telling me, she was in the bath and I was visiting her to talk about the Last Battle, again. I read them all dozens and dozens of times. I was so angry at the 'trick' of it all. I'd been fooled into church, in a sense. And, while it didn't neccesarily shake my faith, it began or begat some of the cynicism/suspicion I've carried around for so long. My faith is more shaken by the events of my adulthood now, the suspicion/cynicism having grown to nearly unbearable weights. And that probably is where the walnut comes in.