Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Just a little bit...

this morning both boys are at camp, having successfully navigated the steps of the bus.. one on foot, one hand by hand, they are off. 
I successfully navigated a new and very cute breakfast spot for a cuppa coffee which is a rare rare treat and some sort of pastry. and now I am home and under orders and intention to just sit for the full 2.5 hours of alone time.  I'm going to find a book momentarily and then drink my coffee while gazing at the chicken coop.  My birthday was allright, but I was glad when it was finished, as the pressure to 'make it something' sort of ruined it for me.  I did wear a dress and I did treat myself to breakfast at my most favorite spot, and after that it just sort of deflated slowly until it was bedtime.  Part of it was the time alone.  It has been a very challenging week marriage-wise and my birthday was the first time I was really alone to process and feel things and I guess I'm not all that happy to feel things this week, so I ended up feeling sad and lonely and while I did reach out, I got alot of message machines and so had to go ahead and feel things.  so, crap. feeling things.
Its all well and good when its beauty and light and butterflies... but when it sucks, and you're trying to grow and figure out how to change your perspective without feeling like a doormat or a 'victim'... it can just be hard.
and so, for today, I am forcing myself basically into the same spot, the 'feeling' spot, but this time without the added pressure of how happy i should be because its my birthday.  so that is item one on the 'change-your-perspective-and-get-thankful' list.
1. its not my birthday.
2. the chickens do not live in the house anymore and are figuring out how to use the ramp on their chicken coop.
3. chickens are REALLY dumb and don't seem to mind or feel insecure about it.
4. coffee is pretty good, even when its half decaf.
5. the pastry still awaits my attention.
6. I'm so glad people still make pastries, and not machines. (at least, at bakeries...)

see you soon, i'm off to find a book...


MotherOfGooses said...

yeah, handmade pastries are where it is at, and I always feel a tiny bit relieved after big momentuous days like birthdays because as enjoyable as they are supposed to be there is always something that makes them feel atleast a tiny bit less than enjoyable and it is easier to enjoy and not enjoy on a day that doesn't have an official designation.