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Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Today, and Rumford

its my birthday today, i'm 39.  the baby with her one tooth is asleep on my lap.  i'm concerned about the life quality of the caterpillar that the kids have 'rescued' and want it to be released.  i'm afraid to interupt my sister-in-law and the kid's exploration time.  it may be that i want nature in 'nature's place'... or that five year old fingers are a danger to us all. . .
tired of badguy mothering.
there are many towns called Rumford around here, in a four or five state range, and i'm not sure why, but do like the sound of it. sounds bucolic, like a cheery town of white paint and picket fences, cute coffee shops and friendly old folk.  the truth is that, of course, the bucolic has an underbelly, always does, its the poop smell from the pastured beef. . . the flies on the strange white bush by the back door... its worth it just to say it a few times.  its a good word.
its my birthday. i'm sort of hungry. since its my birthday, i am free of guilt and will eat a pint of blueberries for my snack.  can share, or not, as i am free of guilt and mothering as sacrifice ideology. would that i could wrap my mind about that one not needing to be a birthday wish.  would.  word.
39.  hum.

today is the last day of school.  we celebrate with dinners with pink lemonade and straws, kids menus, no reading required... backpack retirements... splashes in a wading pool that do the trick, thankfully. 

my oldest turns eight in a week.  eight.  somehow the momentum of that one feels as grand as the 39. and i do feel grand, its an almost impossible feat to truly make my birthday irrelevant, regardless of the wildly changing experience of it, the kid-centeredness of its activity...  sometimes the day, it is enough to bring me back to myself, that recognizable person who makes decisions for my own wishes, my own breath, for reasons of my own, whether i can verbalize/make them conscious or not.
i do feel solitary, but i remember that the world is mine, my solitude being given to me on this day, as i, as well all, crown... one way or another.

kingdom calling, and that sort of thing. 

happy birthday, you.