Tuesday, September 3, 2013


When I began, I'd just come from Quaker Meeting wherein politics and violence meet their end.  unless they don't, because we live in these United States, and people Will insist on their individuality, and all...

in the hearts and minds of many, in and beyond our Meeting, there is much confusion, much 'don't know what to do!' about Syria, about war in general, about how to go about our daily lives without fear and trembling about the state of the world.  

I think many many people have transformed their fears into angers. and I think it started back in 2001, September... we all lost our minds, our security, our faith in the mundane...  and never got any of them entirely back. we pine for what we have lost, our innocence, our common faith in goodness, whatever it is we have lost track of... and not knowing how to handle such longing, we get mad.  I know I do, personally, and I think it explains the world, to see all these men and women 'outraged' all the time, and to translate it as a deep and abiding fear. . . why should any of us know how to assimilate this kind of fear?  we 'first worlders' know too much and too little, about places far far from us, the earth is being polluted, the waters are rising, the storms are increasing in intensity... its all our fault, the crazies are being led by crazies, breezes now carry toxins, the militance is leading to violence and threat, and assault.  it doesn't seem like anyone is a force for de-escalation, it all seems inevitable.  and to top it off, what once was an effective govt, or so we had believed, is now swamped in incompetence, vitriol and all of the violence and threat and fear and anger that we are all feeling, and so..even the government can't help us see our way free.  (if anything, they are a harbinger of all of our negative feelings about the world.)

In my prayers lately, when I can find the space to focus, I've been trying to quiet myself and my body in order to listen.. for a response, for direction.  I spend an awful lot of time in a litany of requests, a 'seeking' of the Light, a 'how would this look as a post?' or 'in conversation'... drivel which certainly distracts from the arrow direct to the center that I am really looking for.  So I've been really trying it, putting myself into a cyclone of quiet, brushing off the chatter of my mind, and opening up to listen...

and its been good. 
capital G.
There is a lot out there to balance the fear.  It is more than being 'mindful', it is more than focusing on the flowers or the individuals, or even our individual innerworlds. . . but they are within it, yes? the balance? within the maelstrom, the bits of glitter floating or whirling by... the moments our kids are happy and we catch them at it...
I'm not ending this on a positive note, not suggesting that you write down your gratitudes and Syria won't be in turmoil anymore or that thousands of people aren't starving to death as i type. they are, right now.  it isn't fair, it isn't someone else's responsibility either.

God hasn't whispered in my ear, that I know about, he/she does know I'm mostly deaf, i assume. . .  but I am listening, making my ground more fertile for what may come.  and I'm turning away from fear and anger, maybe not dealing with all my feelings of 'resignation' for what is happening, but doing what I can to make my world, and that of my children and my community, more ready for peace. . . blahg.
is this true? sounds good, yes, but so lame, and not big enough to leverage against all that is its opposite. . .  but i feel like i am tucking in, watching my kids ready themselves for their small first days, dealing with my slow transition away from babies and young children into middle childhood and my own middle-age.  mind you, i still have a bonified baby in the house, but i see its end almost as clearly as i see its present moment. 
what to do..when there is nothing to be done? when is there nothing to be done, exactly?

boy, a long one.



MotherOfGooses said...

I think that it is pretty revolutionary to consider listening as a way forward. Maybe not forward, but away from despair. Good reminder, thanks.