Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Menstruation Anniversary

I know its been another month since my dad died, because I've got menstruation going on again.  Its fitting, this small death getting bigger.  I've been so outoftheworld lately, with a sleepless night of mothering a sickone who slept all the way through.... a school vacation of routineless waiting... a baby who believes only in nakedness and grunting... a husband who is trying, trying, trying. . .

I've lost the cord which allows mypictures to appear here. I'm trying to link it to something meaningful, to add meaning to the mundane, but I think I have lost that ability.  I am deeply worried about my levels of mundanity, I have to say... that little girl who got hit in the gut with the crowbar last time i wrote? she's still huddled in the corner, and I'm watching her from around the bend.  She's been with me a very long time, and I don't know what I'll do if she can't get up on her own. 

it makes four months now, and i am removed, but able to recognize my life, at least, maybe the lies, as well. they've been around a lot less than the little girl's faith in aslan, but they are like wintermeal moths... in their flight through a room, they garner a lot of attention, once noticed.

i've been reading ... one chapter apiece of some self-help books... one chapter, then down it goes... i suppose i have no inner resource to tap, no ability to 'do the work'... and so i switch back to the 12 book saga of swordsmashing magical overlord easy reading that is so skimmable.   done with that series, whats the next? the characters all meld, the magics all purely words on the page.

life life life. sparkle die sparkle die.
how do you incorporate that?  HOW?! GHGLKHSDOKJDE!!!!!

oh. brother.