Monday, March 10, 2014

Tree shot sky.

when it comes right down to it, i don't think that people think for themselves very often.

its much more comfortable to do what is 'written', 'right', 'explained', 'advised'... and we are all so connected to so many systems of thought and love and family that we have untold number of sources to look to for advice.  i find, lately, that the impetus to ask my dad's advice, seek out his knowledge, has grown.  well, crapshoot. lost my chance.

my son took this picture on a walk for animals in the woods across the street last spring.  It is tremendous. Do you see all the curves first or later? 

it seems my dad's death has shaken many people.  he was one of those guys people just thought would always be there, til the end... too soon, etc. etc.  i have been knocked right off my mooring and am at sea, while still trying to do this household, mother, wife thing.  i can't say i am doing much at any of them these days.  my mind feels diseased, replaying things that are over and finished, ad nauseum. 

The afterschool coaching gig that I have been doing will be over in one more weekend, and I find myself hanging in and on for dear life.  It began the week my dad has his heart attack, and I missed it... and each week I have been in dread of it, and soon it will end.. and I fear the end while I plan my utter collapse at its end.  I will have to drive home, and so I will. 

may be i should go on one of those nature walks with the boys.  the picture is such a good one.


Noel said...

Yes. Go. Nature heals. Give yourself time. There is no way to make it better any faster, that I know of. IT sucks and you have to go through it. For at least a year. Until you have experienced all your yearly events as they are now, without your Dad. And along the way you will feel like you can't make it, that you're not going to make it, but you will. You have a new life now and little by little you are living it. Be kind to yourself. Rage when you have to. Can you go to the monastery
this year? More than enough unasked for advice, so here's a hug to go with it.