Monday, May 19, 2014

Day Old Coffee

i'm not proud, i'll drink it.  i usually do, in fact, drink the dregs of yesterdays pot when i wake up.

lately, the sun and i have been tussling and i'm up by 5:30, which, frankly, hurts a little bit.  minor sunburn from 5 hours at the ballfield this weekend.  the sun is exerting her lifeforce, i suppose.

hubsJ is freaking from the busy-ness of the weekend.  i am sad and sorry about that. after all this time, i still try to get him out of that mood, which ends up in an argument and makes it all worse.  why can't i just leave him to that mood? it sucks, but it is his, and not mine.  i am sad and sorry about it all.        i am, at the same time, thrilling because the week-days are finally going to slow down.  afterschool stuff is finished, both kids ride the bus home, mama doesn't even have to turn the engine over if there is food in the house.  pretty amazing. not necessarily great for a slightly agoraphobic me.  so slight it is almost inappropriate wordchoice.  i like individual people a whole lot. and loathe big systems for people. politics, education, politics, etc. 

for a hot minute, i thought i'd get involved in the politics of this town but i am feeling fatalistic this morning, and so, think that minute may have passed.  how can you get involved in something for which failure may be certain? hmm... do you really want to get involved in something for which manipulation of emotions, ( propaganda) is the status quo?

hubsJ and my father in law built a deck off the back of the house.  where previously there was a deathdrop to the ground from the sliding glass doors, there is now a 16 foot long stretch of lumber.  its amazing.  and i'm still able to feel like its not really there, some hallucination of the light.  very weird.

i'm gardening. but the waiting game is on, there is a woodchuck in the yard and i'm finding myself insane with 'checking on the carrots'.  yes, i think there are problems in my emotional makeup, but they are slight.  :) 

i realized in talking to someone i really like that self-deprecation can end up insulting other people as well.  chew on that.  eg.  she says... 'how is one of my favorite families?'... i say,  'oh, you have so many, we're not really your favorites'...
meant it in good nature, and she wasn't slapping me, but i did apologize, take it back and gobble a bit about my own awkwardness. 

maybe i should make some fresh coffee now.  looks like a long day ahead.  sunshiney and all.


MotherOfGooses said...

I hallucinate all the time...the streets I don't have to walk down anymore, the hair I used to have,and on it goes. All washed down with microwaved coffee.

Dana - Old Red Barn Co. said...

you. i so get it. and your writing gets me.