Thursday, May 29, 2014

Sorry, a slipup.

Do you really slip UP? well, i am in mid-slip, it seems.  Away from writing, away from not-grieving.  This holiday weekend just jacked me all up.  Between grief and worry, I was a hot mess and did not get no respect, nor relief from any of it, in any way.  The babe had a bugbite which slowly swelled and consumed her entire left leg. (and by 'consumed', i mean, 'made her mother insane with worry'.) Tiny bodies and swelling are not a super mix, and so i was consumed, and my husband had so little patience with it, i really needed to punch him in the head, but didn't, and so sublimation takes on its own radical presence in the days.
i need to start using paper to write. paper, for gods sakes. PAPER.
its time to take a restock, a look at the inventory, an eventual reshelving of the current stock and so on and so forth.  buying, selling, producing to buy, sell.  you dig?

I went to see Chakra Carol yesterday and while she really beseeches me to stop with the self-loathing, i seem to be having a hard time with that one, she also tells me to finish with the 'give it a year' thing of the grief.  also, trouble.
HubsJ covered me so I could go. so there is that. no head punching.
restock, trouble.

slip. up.
I think I am going to take the month off, and check back in again in July.  June is my month to turn 40, avoid many school fieldtrips and school events and shindigs and so on, so there is that.  but i am sick to death of how much time i spend staring at a screen. i don't even think i read anymore. i can't be sure, because i have the memory of the fish.
I hope I'll be reading other people's writings still, cause i enjoy the hell out of them. get the joy. but i just want to get clean, man, and the only way i can see to do it is to go back a few steps, to when i had an inner world full of words and self-unloathed.
some people can their tomatoes, i need to find some PAPER.



MotherOfGooses said...

I am on the verge of or in the midst of slipping up on a regular basis. I think if I drew a graph of my slipups,the pattern would surprise me! I felt compelled to write down something the other day on paper that was not a grocery list or things to do and it was so satisfying. It was like sitting on a log in a forest instead of breezing past it on a mountain bike.Enjoy assembling your supplies.