Thursday, May 22, 2014

Mug on a Rail

I set my coffee mug down on the railing of the deck this morning.  It was one of those moments that stand out.  a new deck, a first time with a railing! in my own morningtime life, a first time with a railing that is not at the beachhouse of the past, i almost took a photo...but it was the first time, and i didn't want to miss it in order to get the camera.  blue mug, fresh and unstained wood, green grass beyond... new sun coming over the trees.
the mosquitos chased me away shortly, anyhow, so i've got the minutes to sit here. . .  but i am going to plant them out of commission as soon as i find me some lemongrass.  there is already a plant called 'dusty miller' out there, which makes me remember how much i would like a friend called 'dusty miller'.  wouldn't you?  hey, lets call dusty, see what she's doing today...

dusty miller = artemesia... pretty silver leafed thing that flying bugs think is smelly.

a lot of things settled into me in this moment this morning, as the mug landed.  my dad has died. he has popped off the earth. my mom is a much bigger part of my life right now than i'd ever have envisioned and sometimes that overwhelms me with grief. my moments at 5:30 am are my only quietude, and i'm going to have to use them better with summertime arriving, rely on them for more sustenance than i have been.  some things are finished, some things are not, somethings will never be.

i'm getting 'used to'/'resigned'/'competent at' being busy with the kids afterschool and in the evenings. driving places, ferrying, eating quick carry-able meals... last night we went to a marionette show with/for the kindergartener in our midst.  it was an absolute delight. an amazing dazzle of a moment for kids and beauty and simply complex artistry. similar to the bonsai exhibit i saw in brooklyn at the botanical garden.  even in new york, there isn't any way to make bonsai trees 'fabulous'... they are, in their form, vessels of patience, quietude, observation... bloom. . . artistry of the simple set. no neon need apply.

my husband in his way has challenged me to dream/plan for where i want to be in five years.  i have been home with kids for 7 years now. seven! and my hearing has taken such a turn that i really don't think i would do a good service to a classroom of kids anymore.  so what to do? how to be? who to be?  so far, i've just mildly entertained the thoughts, but i need to really think about it, really mull it, as this next month is my turn 40 month, and i would like to begin a revolution in my path. 
what a phrase.
revolution in my path.  shoot.
and you? 
what lies in your path? 


MotherOfGooses said...

What a lovely way of putting it: "to plant them out of commission as soon as i find me some lemongrass."

That sounds like the beginning of a revolution...Thanks for the tip as well. I'm going to find me some too.

Mama Mama Quite Contrary said...

Seven years this month for me too. I never thought when I decided to stay home that would be for more than a year. I was an idiot. I am looking forward to a big life change just not sure what it is yet either.

Kate Hall said...

evidently you can buy lemongrass at the grocery store, throw it in water, root it and plant it in a container for the antimosquito gang. who knew? ...

big life changes ahead, mamas. . . hopefully in a slow and measured fashion...