Thursday, March 26, 2015

what caged birds? what?

i'm exhausted. deep bone weary. rainy day chill. so, let that be the baseline for today.

not chirping.

wracking cough, keeps me up all night. back up bitch. back it right up. i even took a hot shower in the middle of the night, when i am so loathing of the shower, i can't even tell you.  call me bath girl. someone, please. its just a little weird.

'woke' up, left before the boys got on the bus, got my in-laws settled and took my mother, who wrecked her ankle yesterday, for a procedure which will tell her if she has cancer again. it was so superfast, i was still choking down my luxurious eggs-at-a-restaurant-alone when they called to say the procedure was finished.  i nearly ran down the waitress in my dash. nearly, but she would have coldcocked me if i had, so we're all good that i didn't.

i keep wanting to say 'supahflyyyyy'.  i'm too tired to fight the impulse.  my kids are going to be PSYCHED when they get off the bus- and when the wee gets up.  i'm hoping my mom wakes in a patient and kind mood, because i don't have any of those. i feel sort of stoned, but without the giggles.

the procedure was really routine, but the ankle busting? not routine, and somehow heightened my inner world (and, i think, my mom's) to a nearly paralyzing emotional seizure.  we say, feel, hear... 'well, if your dad was here.... i don't want to be a burden... if your dad was here...i really resent this ' and we have mother and daughter adjustments on a grand scale, a first 'caretaking', a first allowing 'caretaking'.. . and a whole truckload of fear, resignation riding side saddle, if trucks can have sidesaddle riders.  i'm too tired.

 It was the ankle, way more than the possible cancer scenario, way more than the invasion of the speculum... it was the goddamned ankle, the littlest inconvenience, the straw that broke us.
and spring is not yet enough of a force to stop this spin .