Sunday, December 28, 2008

alone alone alone

My husband took the kids down to his parents house to catch some football and cousin-playtime. I've had a full four hours plus some to be on my own. Of course I had moments of overly obsessive planning about what to do with my time: laundry, shop for post-christmas decoration bargains, laundry, clean the sink/toilet/table/toys/whathaveyou... and i ended up doing a little bit of this and that and no laundry thus far and even browsed the internet for support groups. how bout that? took some trash out. these are the details of my days, i tell you. It has been so long since I have had a regular time to myself that when I get it , I both implode and explode into a vacuum. - and don't vacuum.
My skin can literally crawl with the tension of the time I am wasting because I am typing instead of doing the things on the list, using this time when everything is easier because I'm not fighting through two children to do the listed things. The complexity of the feeling does not necessarily come across well in type. Forcing oneself to be lazy doesn't mean that there is anyone else who is going to wash the dishes. But enjoying a stupid movie with a soda and a messy sandwich is valuable just for itself- and yet never seems to make anyone's list.
huh. I'm off to bore myself some more, somewhere else.


MotherOfGooses said...

I have these "four hour" times every once in a while and it is paralyzing. So many sweet sweet plans, and in the end I end up eating food that is off limits most of the time and surfing the internet. Sleep does not come, chores do not seem like the right way to spend this precious time...doing essentially nothing seems like a waste and an investment at the same time!