Friday, June 5, 2009

I have always had a deep deep aversion to being out of control. I'm not saying that it makes me mature in any way, in fact probably quite the opposite.. but so it is. ( I should call Chakra Carol, yes) Emotionally, I feel that the only time I've brushed against this has been during my tumultuous love affair with my husband. Never before and never since have I been so nauseated by the wild wailing of my heart. And now, with all this sadness in the air and the feelings surfacing about death and heaven and God and the incompatibility of what I think is coming versus what I 'know' is coming - - - I am pretty sure of what I believe and I think I am putting some sort of 'test' on the table... will Grammie let me know when she goes, for instance?

----my irises bloomed for the first time since we've lived in this house, this town. and thats my sign, the first of many.
----------------------------------------------------------so up to Maine we went, and I visited with Grammie, spent some time alone...told her what I needed to, showed her the boys (for whom she roused to say hello there and to chuckle) and she died the next morning while we all (children, grandchildren, greatgrandchildren) sat in her kitchen having breakfast and debating issues. Some kids were in the gully, some in the tree... and we got the call all together. it was pretty amazing
and I know now that my belief in heaven and where she is , is firm. I truly believe in Grammie playing cards with her brothers now, re-meeting her folks, holding Gerry's hand and laughing at Joyce.

I feel like I am standing on a feather, my life path a drift on the wind. I am learning my balance. some know it and travel with arms wide open. others believe themselves stationary and miss the natural lift. i think i've got the right idea. ( i hope to God that Russell doesn't read this as he'll never forgive my ending)


Mama Mama Quite Contrary said...

So sorry about your grandmother. She sounded like a wonderful woman.

Amanda said...

I have no words, actually. I am standing here with my hands jammed in my pockets, head tilted to the side, just nodding in agreement with all you said. Mmm hmmm.

Kate Hall said...

She was a beautiful woman and she gave sustenance to a beautiful woman. And she will.