Thursday, September 3, 2009

So. Chakra Carol. (i am not Prince)

I'm thrilled to see her, every time. thrilled. And I'm aware of how rare a sensation it is for me, these days, to spend a thrilling time with someone which is also relaxing and rejuvenating.


and then there is the other side of the coin. which is that Carol is not easy. I mean, I lie there, I'm not in sweat or running on a treadmill, I am just lying there, sometimes talking and sometimes not... just lying there.

Yesterday Carol got me to say that I am legitimately concerned that I may not exist. Hug yourself in your laughter ladies, but it is true and has left me with a large lump of melancholy today. because it is true. all the disappointment that fuels my anger is -more than seriously- about myself and my real sense of disappointment in myself that I am not any super mom, i'm just a struggling, frequently unhappy one. All that mystery that has been mine has morphed into a 'formerly known as..' and, much as I wish, I ain't no purple robed Prince and I just can't carry it off. I am fond of blaming lack of support for my unhappiness and that is not it. I am disappointed that I am unhappy, surprised and saddened that all this isn't really enough for me. or that maybe it is, and I am a loser for it? - probably not that, i admit.

and maybe there aren't enough moments of fun and lightness and maybe i desparately need the routine of school for MYSELF to have more of those moments that other moms talk so blissfully about... the transcendent moments wherein it is all worth it.

and on that coin, what now? you realize how disappointed and angry you are that you are really NOT Prince. and then what? what do you become satisfied with? I am trying to see it as a grand opportunity for more investigation and this weather brings fitting clarity to the mornings, and things are growing, though perhaps their lights be moving under the bushels...

but damnit, carol, damnit.


Athena said...


So many relatable things about that post. Been there, will be there again. Always searching, striving, for what?

Somebody. Lobotomize me please.