CLICK HERE FOR BLOGGER TEMPLATES AND MYSPACE LAYOUTS »

Thursday, May 5, 2011

More changed than I know what to deal with...

So, the dog died, right? right. sucky. But my husband made this comment that has stuck around and made me think, remember and think again upon how much this whole motherhood bag has changed the hell out of me, bringing forth powers I knew not ... and while its glib and gladhanding, I think it true.  He described a sense that my grieving for roxanne the beagle and holding her while she was in the dying, was different from his.  Not that he didn't love her as much or hold her as much, but that there was a quality in my grief which contained the 'mothering'. . . which led him to understand why it is that women, in general, do not make war.
so, these are big numbers, yes?
There is something to it.  A sense of identifying with 'life', a 'pro' that cannot be co-opted by some niftycrafty political affiliatiion.  the 'responsibility' for life? holding space for the life and mourning the death of another'child, another's father, another's friend, within our own frame?  I think, looking at the women of all ages around me, that it continues on long after child-bearing is an issue... I'm not sure whether it is a 'feminine' trait, or simply one of parenting, loving, protecting young and/or vulnerable ones? I don't think its a necessity to bear the child yourself, but perhaps that is part of the risk?danger?immediate change in perception about the world and its effect upon a large and small all-at-once innerdimension... (boy, i am thinking in type. hope you can make sense of it..)
 I had no idea,certainly,  and I am still in the midst of grappling with the new elements within, even six years into the game.
I do remember with the first pregnancy, being afraid for the first time, really.  Understanding the vulnerability in the job I was undertaking... and feeling the pressure of the responsibility, the unvarying weight of its permanency.  None of that has really gone away, it just seems a part of my skin now and I can live with it without crying out resentment at all hours.  (although still, sometimes.) I guess I am wondering where it goes from here, if I decide that I am done with pregnancies, what will I do with this motherforce? How does it work in the world?  I believe there to be too much for two boys alone, and the pets, they are a-dwindling...
 Do we deepen and deepen forever and ever? Do we step out of our personal and grab this damn country by the balls and shake sense into it? share the responsibility for life with each other, deepen our knowledge of each other as well?
You?

2 comments:

Pamela Hunt Cloyd said...

Wow, this is beautiful!

I do remember with the first pregnancy, being afraid for the first time, really. Understanding the vulnerability in the job I was undertaking... and feeling the pressure of the responsibility, the unvarying weight of its permanency.

Gorgeous. Thank you for writing this. I understood - and share - every single word!!

xoxo,
Pamela

wifemotherexpletive said...

Thanks Pamela... I have this feeling that there're a whole bunch of women out there who've got this one... :)
and yes, there're is grammatically correct. guffaw.