Thursday, May 10, 2012

Marriage, MOFO.

Don't care what stupid North Carolina has to say about it.  self-centered that way, i suppose.  anyone in love should be able to be married, if that is what they want to do. it is a very hard business.  straight people certainly do not have a corner on doing it well... what a church has to say about it is also their business and it doesn't need to affect my business because I do not belong to the kind of Church that says certain adult consensual love is lesser than another. so there.
and I believe in the separation of Church and State, like, as in, it is a founding principle of what created our country, and is ONE of the few we should hold up as a GOOD ONE.


Do we tell each other the truths about our marriages? Do you talk to your friends about despairs? hopes? desire for change? difficulty? great laughter?  Do you consider it private? too private?
I'm in a marriage which has moments of great difficulty. It does, and sometimes it breaks my heart more than once in a week and it is hard to rebound from that.  I do believe that if a heart breaks, something greater can grow there, in that space, so it is not really broken, but shapeshifting. . . so I have hope when I am not actively self-mate-recriminating/rebounding.  Doesn't mean there isn't pain...
I'm working hard on re-assessing my disappointments... after all, its an 'expectation' that has been disappointed, and not something true.  a wish perhaps, but not 'what is'... it is very hard work, all this re-perceiving... and I often often do not achieve my goal, and disappointment can really eat at you. really.
But I realize that I think its all too private to write about here, for sure, and I realize that it can be many months since I have shared any of the details of the relationship with anyone. anyone.  and there is something in that.  Is it me? my own isolation and desire to spend time with friends in laughter and frivolity rather than gripe and tear? or is it something bigger?  a womanly desire to show a 'good form'? to refuse to acknowledge disappointments? to not show the 'real' to the outer world... how easy it is to believe that they all have it easier, all those other couples... those couples who met in high school, those couples who dated for 5 years before marrying, those couples who make each other laugh and appear to be wildly best friends.... I imagine some of them Must be in good shape, they can't all be suffering (sometimes) and hiding, right? 
How hard is marriage? even when its really good, its hard, right?  the sharing of space, the sharing of life... flip the coin and its great, remarkable, funny, full of light and love and laughter.... my god, look at the kids we make!  flip and flip and flip again. 


MotherOfGooses said...

Indeed. It's hard even when it is easy. Sometimes I swerve into unrelenting griping with my friends, and then something switches and I don't need to anymore. That's how it goes for me.

And I'll Raise You 5 said...

It's really hard. I have a good marriage, and it's really, really hard. I share the difficulties only with people who truly love us both, otherwise I feel like I'm betraying him and only complaining. Only complaining doesn't feel good to me. Trying to understand and be compassionate and make sense of what we have embarked upon (by getting married in the first place) feels right. (Not always good, but right.)

Mama Mama Quite Contrary said...

It is hard. I would say that my marriage is much better now than it was a year ago and a million times better than it was after our twins came along. (Shit. Those man-eating little monsters almost destroyed us.) I don't really talk about it though but I'm sure our husbands do.

brio said...

It's not hard for me. I live together the father of my kids (this year is the 11th year), we are not married, the house is mine, I have my job, he still have his house, his job.
We are indipendent. If it shouldn't work anymore, he can just go to his home. This make it easier because we don't feel as prisoners of each other. Nobody should married... (Paola from Italy)

brio said...