Friday, October 5, 2012

i have no idea how i am.

spring at the homefront, just needed an image upon which to rest my wearyeyes.
getting nerves about upcoming labor. normal.
still in my pajamas today and spent a whole day in them earlier this week. not so normal.
off to the left of the computerscreen is the phone list, in case of emergencies, (um, just one in particular actually, and its not really an emergency, but a given event coming down the pike, pun intended!) midwives, families, etc. it makes me nervous too. 

other than the nerves, i am looking forward to the change... painful contraction though it may need.
i think that i'm looking  towards it in a fairly abstract way.  i feel like i've been put on hold for the last few months and I am ready to move on. I need the action to spur me out and onwards.
who knows what the next months will bring? it is better than believing what is 'to be' as a ceaseless repetition.  it is much much better.  and although the belief is make-believe, as much as what one believes of the future must always be make-believe,  it is common around these parts, around my brain. 
there is also the resolution of the mysteries coming... who the hell is this kid in my belly? a boy, a girl, a gymnast, a contortionist? will they be a good sleeper, a wild weeper? will hubsJ be at the birth?
how will the boys handle the sibling growth? 

the kids have been doing wonderfully lately, growing, leaping, bounding, playing with one another as if they enjoyed it, even.  i regularly lose my shit with them between 5 and 6 in the evening but i am going to both blame AND discount my pregnancy gigantorama for this situation.  at that point in the day i can hardly breathe, much less find the rational part of my brain. it is not alltogether unfamiliar, that timeperiod beast.

i wish i could say that my lame-ass posting record of late was because some things busywonderful were going on, but no. just regular, laundry and puttering... childrearing and bellyswelling.