Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Trust and No Trust

a snazzy name of the game, aye? trust and no trust.
probably should involve some sort of rope, and a helmet or a belay system.
for oneself, for one's mate, for one's friends, the moment-to-moment nature of the insubstantial, repetitious doubt, the self-recrimination for belief...

can one remove the subject and still fill pages with writing?
the attempt will be made.  has been made. could be shared, but can't be ...

there is writing that i love that is so imagistic that i cannot imagine the life of the writer as anything other than a series of fall leaves and salt water tears, periwinkle blues and painted landscapes...  i crave the expression in image. crave.

jealousy springs from nothing less than a lack of trust, in oneself's own power and self-sufficiency.  its not something i've really had to deal with in my life so far, but with a collapse of trust comes the inevitable comparisons, the ill-fated old-feeling of invisibility come back to haunt.     what does a wife and mother do when she realizes that others define her even more narrowly than her struggle had allowed?  what does this matter, its my own definitions, yes? orgh.

i'm in a rut of despondency, feeling the enormity of my situation in so many ways.  the substantial problems of moving something of my girth through the aisles of the grocery store.  taking hours to complete the shop, having to rest in the car before the drive home.  wanting to take a bath but somewhat exhausted-in-advance by the thought of climbing the stairs to get there.
so much hope for 'this is the last time'... waiting, waiting. . . the clouds dispersal...revelation awaited.

i want my mom.  i want my pammylala. i need some comfort and hand-holding, something to get me out of this grown-up loneliness which i have built for myself.  its own periwinkle shell on the winter shore.


MotherOfGooses said...

That is a beautiful image, "its own periwinkle shell on the winter shore". It sounds desolate but it can have its own peace too. Hope the hand holding happens soon.